I can not believe how quickly these boys are growing. It's so upsetting!!! Admittedly, there are some new things they are doing that I absolutely love, but the fact that before I know it they won't be babies anymore makes me want to cry! My little munchkins. If they knew what was good for them, they would stay little! Ha!
Monkey is the epitome of Daddy's boy. It is so freaking adorable to watch! When Ben comes home from work and walks into the living room, Micah gets so excited and will jump like mad if he's in his exersaucer. If Ben walks past him and sits down on the couch, Mymy starts to cry and will not stop until his daddy picks him up. The way that the two of them interact is just darling. I have never seen a boy more in love with his daddy.
Darius, on the other hand, is just content. He loves to be cuddled and held, but he doesn't seem to have a preference for one of us. He does, however, do the cutest thing. If you get him excited or praise him, he acts shy and buries his face in your neck. Too cute!! My little snuggle bug. Ducky really is a total sweetheart. My little man. I love his cuddles!
The both of them have learned how to let you know they want to be picked up. Instead of raising their arms like I've seen most kids do, they stick them out to the sides. If they are on all fours on the floor, the both of them will only lift their left arm. Darry seems to pick up everything from his brother. Mikey started with high pitched squeals, lifting his arm, and the crawling position first. Now Dar does all of them. The only thing that Micah does that Ducky doesn't is he pulls himself forward with his hands to get where he wants. They both sit so well and will pull themselves to standing if you're holding their hands. Two nights ago we even started bathing them together. I just can't believe what they will pick up even in two weeks time. They are such bright little boys!
Ben and I went away for the weekend to see his friend get married. We left Friday and came back Sunday. The boys stayed with my in-laws. Ben started missing them on Saturday. I was fine the whole weekend. I think if we had stayed until Monday I would have started missing them, but I was totally ok not having them. Don't get me wrong, it was great to walk in and see their little faces again. But I think I just get so much baby time that I thoroughly enjoy my time away. I love my children more than I can put into words. But Mama also loves her sleep!!
Somebody is up from his nap. So this blog is over. Laters!
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Monday, August 8, 2011
I Make My Living Singing Girl Songs
Once again it has been a ridiculously long time since I've blogged. That wasn't my intention. I consistently start writing blogs in my head throughout my day, but I never seem to actually sit down to type them out. There is so much that has been going on with the boys, I'm not really sure where to begin.
I suppose the bad is the best place to start, that way you can end on the good, right? We had our first trip to the ER with Darius. We're still not quite sure what happened, but when I went in to check on him during his nap (the only reason I actually went in there was because Micah was screaming to get up) he was smushed up against the bumper of his crib with his blanket pulled over his nose and mouth. He looked like a fish out of water, gasping so much that I thought he was hiccuping; and he was just staring at the bumper. It didn't click in my head immediately, so I told Ben to come look at him because I thought he was being "weird." As soon as he saw him, Ben said "That's not right...." The poor boy was soaked with sweat from head to toe, and he was trapped with his legs up against the bottom of the crib and his torso/head against the side. Ben picked him up and he was like a limp little rag doll, unable to even keep his head up. His eyes were somewhat glassy and wouldn't focus, and it was like he couldn't keep his lids up. Ben called his name a few times, but Darry wouldn't even attempt to look in his direction. He brought him out into the living room and stuck him in front of the air conditioner, and the cool air seemed to perk him up a bit, but not by much. Ben looked to me and said "We need to call the doctor." I just shook my head and told him, "Nope. We're going to the hospital."
While I grabbed the diaper bag and got Mikey in the car, Ben took Dar's temperature. I think it was around 100.2 or so. By the time I got back inside, Ben was sitting on a chair with him, and Ducky was at least holding his head up. We got him in the car and then drove the 5 minutes to the hospital. While Ben parked the car, I took Darius inside and started getting him checked in. When we got into triage, his temp was down to 99.8 and he was holding himself up completely. He still seemed a little off, though. He would look at you, but was very subdued and not his usual cheerful self.
It was a long ER stay (at least it seemed like it. I think it was four hours or so...), and luckily my parents came to take Micah home with them. They brought us dinner because we hadn't been able to eat and were going to be there for a while, and then kept Mymy until after I had to bring Darius to the doctor the next day. While in the hospital, Darry had to have chest x-rays, bloodwork, and a urine sample taken (they had to do the catheter twice, because the first one wouldn't go in all the way. He was NOT happy about being held down for the tests.)
Everything came back negative, and his pediatrician said she didn't think it was a seizure. Basically, they have no idea what happened and only if it happens again will they be able to get some answers. Ben and I think that he must have rolled in just the wrong way to get stuck (because he couldn't move his legs forward so he could roll away from the bumper) and was pretty much suffocating himself.
First ER trip at 5 months old, what fun. Since then we've found out that the boys are "tongue tied." It's kind of hard to describe, but the piece of skin beneath the tongue that holds it to the bottom the the mouth is too short. It keeps them from being able to stick their tongues out of their mouths and can cause gastroentorological problems (something about the tongue somehow making them swallow too much air...), which could be the heart of all the feeding issues we've had with them. We have an appointment at the end of this month to have it fixed. Unfortunately, they are older than when most babies have it fixed, so if the doctor decides they are too old to have it done right in the office, we will have to schedule an OR and they will be sedated for it. Granted, that's better for the pain, but I'm so upset that their doctors never realized this when they were younger. They used to check as soon as a baby was born, but they don't do it anymore.
It's one of the reasons that breastfeeding didn't work for us. Tongue tied can actually make breastfeeding nearly impossible (and it makes it painful even if they have a good latch - since the tongue can't come out of the mouth on the breast). I plan on telling every woman I know who's pregnant to check their newborns, or insist that the doctors look when they're born so that they can prevent the problems we've had. I'm just hearbroken that we didn't have it fixed earlier. Not only does it effect feeding, but it can actually cause problems when they are trying to learn language. I can't wait for this to be over with.
On to the happier topics. Micah has been rocking on his hands and knees for about a month now. Darius started up with it a week or two ago, and I swear they will be crawling any day now. In fact, lil My will actually "walk" if you hold his hands, and Ben is the only one to have witnessed him "army crawling." He tried to get a video of it, but the booger stopped once the camera came out. My in-laws have a walker at their house, and they told us that both boys will walk forward when in the walker. They are growing so fast, and this Mama is NOT happy about it. My little men!
Darius got his first tooth!! Whoever heard of a duck with teeth??? lol. He actually had some vomiting, a few days of diarrhea, and a low grade temp from the teething, and I pray to God that it will not happen every time he gets a tooth. I don't know how happy I'd be getting covered in throw up every time another tooth comes in. Thus far, the Monkey has yet to show any signs of a tooth coming in (other than copious amounts of drool), but I'm sure he won't be too far behind.
The boys are also sitting completely by themselves. Just 2 weeks ago they couldn't do it without you propping them up, and then I turned around and Ducky was sitting by himself, no hands on the ground. Within just a few days, they were both sitting no problem. There are still a few instances of wobbles that lead to toppling over, but they are unbelievably good at it. Part of me is so proud to watch my babies accomplishing new "feats," but the other mourns the loss of the tiny babes. They're never going to be able to fit in one arm again. And soon enough they won't want to be carried anymore. They are growing so fast, and it's so very bittersweet. I adore my boys, and I do look forward to what will come. I just wish it took a little longer to get there.
I suppose the bad is the best place to start, that way you can end on the good, right? We had our first trip to the ER with Darius. We're still not quite sure what happened, but when I went in to check on him during his nap (the only reason I actually went in there was because Micah was screaming to get up) he was smushed up against the bumper of his crib with his blanket pulled over his nose and mouth. He looked like a fish out of water, gasping so much that I thought he was hiccuping; and he was just staring at the bumper. It didn't click in my head immediately, so I told Ben to come look at him because I thought he was being "weird." As soon as he saw him, Ben said "That's not right...." The poor boy was soaked with sweat from head to toe, and he was trapped with his legs up against the bottom of the crib and his torso/head against the side. Ben picked him up and he was like a limp little rag doll, unable to even keep his head up. His eyes were somewhat glassy and wouldn't focus, and it was like he couldn't keep his lids up. Ben called his name a few times, but Darry wouldn't even attempt to look in his direction. He brought him out into the living room and stuck him in front of the air conditioner, and the cool air seemed to perk him up a bit, but not by much. Ben looked to me and said "We need to call the doctor." I just shook my head and told him, "Nope. We're going to the hospital."
While I grabbed the diaper bag and got Mikey in the car, Ben took Dar's temperature. I think it was around 100.2 or so. By the time I got back inside, Ben was sitting on a chair with him, and Ducky was at least holding his head up. We got him in the car and then drove the 5 minutes to the hospital. While Ben parked the car, I took Darius inside and started getting him checked in. When we got into triage, his temp was down to 99.8 and he was holding himself up completely. He still seemed a little off, though. He would look at you, but was very subdued and not his usual cheerful self.
It was a long ER stay (at least it seemed like it. I think it was four hours or so...), and luckily my parents came to take Micah home with them. They brought us dinner because we hadn't been able to eat and were going to be there for a while, and then kept Mymy until after I had to bring Darius to the doctor the next day. While in the hospital, Darry had to have chest x-rays, bloodwork, and a urine sample taken (they had to do the catheter twice, because the first one wouldn't go in all the way. He was NOT happy about being held down for the tests.)
Everything came back negative, and his pediatrician said she didn't think it was a seizure. Basically, they have no idea what happened and only if it happens again will they be able to get some answers. Ben and I think that he must have rolled in just the wrong way to get stuck (because he couldn't move his legs forward so he could roll away from the bumper) and was pretty much suffocating himself.
First ER trip at 5 months old, what fun. Since then we've found out that the boys are "tongue tied." It's kind of hard to describe, but the piece of skin beneath the tongue that holds it to the bottom the the mouth is too short. It keeps them from being able to stick their tongues out of their mouths and can cause gastroentorological problems (something about the tongue somehow making them swallow too much air...), which could be the heart of all the feeding issues we've had with them. We have an appointment at the end of this month to have it fixed. Unfortunately, they are older than when most babies have it fixed, so if the doctor decides they are too old to have it done right in the office, we will have to schedule an OR and they will be sedated for it. Granted, that's better for the pain, but I'm so upset that their doctors never realized this when they were younger. They used to check as soon as a baby was born, but they don't do it anymore.
It's one of the reasons that breastfeeding didn't work for us. Tongue tied can actually make breastfeeding nearly impossible (and it makes it painful even if they have a good latch - since the tongue can't come out of the mouth on the breast). I plan on telling every woman I know who's pregnant to check their newborns, or insist that the doctors look when they're born so that they can prevent the problems we've had. I'm just hearbroken that we didn't have it fixed earlier. Not only does it effect feeding, but it can actually cause problems when they are trying to learn language. I can't wait for this to be over with.
On to the happier topics. Micah has been rocking on his hands and knees for about a month now. Darius started up with it a week or two ago, and I swear they will be crawling any day now. In fact, lil My will actually "walk" if you hold his hands, and Ben is the only one to have witnessed him "army crawling." He tried to get a video of it, but the booger stopped once the camera came out. My in-laws have a walker at their house, and they told us that both boys will walk forward when in the walker. They are growing so fast, and this Mama is NOT happy about it. My little men!
Darius got his first tooth!! Whoever heard of a duck with teeth??? lol. He actually had some vomiting, a few days of diarrhea, and a low grade temp from the teething, and I pray to God that it will not happen every time he gets a tooth. I don't know how happy I'd be getting covered in throw up every time another tooth comes in. Thus far, the Monkey has yet to show any signs of a tooth coming in (other than copious amounts of drool), but I'm sure he won't be too far behind.
The boys are also sitting completely by themselves. Just 2 weeks ago they couldn't do it without you propping them up, and then I turned around and Ducky was sitting by himself, no hands on the ground. Within just a few days, they were both sitting no problem. There are still a few instances of wobbles that lead to toppling over, but they are unbelievably good at it. Part of me is so proud to watch my babies accomplishing new "feats," but the other mourns the loss of the tiny babes. They're never going to be able to fit in one arm again. And soon enough they won't want to be carried anymore. They are growing so fast, and it's so very bittersweet. I adore my boys, and I do look forward to what will come. I just wish it took a little longer to get there.
Thursday, June 30, 2011
It's True Guys. I Got A MySpace Bulletin On It.
The boys are growing so quickly - it's so upsetting. There is part of me that can't wait for them to get bigger and enjoy the cuddles and hear "Mama" and watch them figure things out, but I love where they are. I love how tiny and pudgy they are. I love the baby face, the cooing, the giggles. They are such sweet little boys.
Mymy can now roll from belly to back and back to belly. He still gets stuck sometimes, but he's pretty much got it figured out. His newest thing is "singing" when he's tired. As we're bouncing him in his chair, he just goes "Ahhhhhhhhhh ahhhhhhhhhhhh ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh" until he passes out. It's so cute. It's also a great way of telling us that he's about to fall asleep. Sometimes you don't even have to look at him to know he's sleeping - he's just stopped his singing. He literally "sang" until his eyes closed one night. We have to stop ourselves from laughing sometimes. If you do wind up waking him inadvertently, he'll just look at you all confused and then close his eyes or just go back to singing.
A few days ago we were at the grocery store and Ben was putting Ducky into the stroller. When he snapped the buckle, it accidentally caught his belly. Poor lil man started crying; but I held him a little while and he was good. There's still a little red mark, but it doesn't bother him anymore. We just feel a bit extra bad because everything seems to happen to the Duck Man. He's the one who had a hard time being delivered; he's the one who couldn't breathe for 2 minutes after he was born; he's the one who got jaundice; he's the one who rolled off our bed at a month old. Poor guy. I don't think Monkey has had anything happen to him yet, it's all been Darry.
We tried green beans with the boys on Sunday. They liked them! Mikey, I think, will eat anything. He loves peas, loves green beans. I think he just likes eating. Ducky seems to like green beans a little more than peas. He'll actually open his mouth for the green beans (sometimes). When Ben was feeding him last night, he grabbed onto the spoon and pulled it into his mouth! He's such a smart boy! And while Micah will typically polish off an entire container of baby food, Darius has only done it twice - and only with the green beans. On Friday we'll try carrots. I'm assuming Monkey will like them. Not so sure about Darry yet. Mymy is so good with baby food, though. He figured it out quickly and now whines at me if I don't feed him as quickly as he'd like. Duck Man took some time figuring out that what was on the spoon was food, and he seems to eat better for his Daddy.
They love Ben so much. Darius has figured out that the sound of the door means that someone is here, and he'll usually light up as soon as Ben walks into the room (if he's mid-meltdown, Daddy's arrival doesn't rank on his list of cares at that moment). I love to watch the three of them interact. It's enough to melt your heart. Daddy Ben thrills me. Almost as much as Husband Ben. God has blessed me with the most wonderful man.
I love my guys.
Mymy can now roll from belly to back and back to belly. He still gets stuck sometimes, but he's pretty much got it figured out. His newest thing is "singing" when he's tired. As we're bouncing him in his chair, he just goes "Ahhhhhhhhhh ahhhhhhhhhhhh ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh" until he passes out. It's so cute. It's also a great way of telling us that he's about to fall asleep. Sometimes you don't even have to look at him to know he's sleeping - he's just stopped his singing. He literally "sang" until his eyes closed one night. We have to stop ourselves from laughing sometimes. If you do wind up waking him inadvertently, he'll just look at you all confused and then close his eyes or just go back to singing.
A few days ago we were at the grocery store and Ben was putting Ducky into the stroller. When he snapped the buckle, it accidentally caught his belly. Poor lil man started crying; but I held him a little while and he was good. There's still a little red mark, but it doesn't bother him anymore. We just feel a bit extra bad because everything seems to happen to the Duck Man. He's the one who had a hard time being delivered; he's the one who couldn't breathe for 2 minutes after he was born; he's the one who got jaundice; he's the one who rolled off our bed at a month old. Poor guy. I don't think Monkey has had anything happen to him yet, it's all been Darry.
We tried green beans with the boys on Sunday. They liked them! Mikey, I think, will eat anything. He loves peas, loves green beans. I think he just likes eating. Ducky seems to like green beans a little more than peas. He'll actually open his mouth for the green beans (sometimes). When Ben was feeding him last night, he grabbed onto the spoon and pulled it into his mouth! He's such a smart boy! And while Micah will typically polish off an entire container of baby food, Darius has only done it twice - and only with the green beans. On Friday we'll try carrots. I'm assuming Monkey will like them. Not so sure about Darry yet. Mymy is so good with baby food, though. He figured it out quickly and now whines at me if I don't feed him as quickly as he'd like. Duck Man took some time figuring out that what was on the spoon was food, and he seems to eat better for his Daddy.
They love Ben so much. Darius has figured out that the sound of the door means that someone is here, and he'll usually light up as soon as Ben walks into the room (if he's mid-meltdown, Daddy's arrival doesn't rank on his list of cares at that moment). I love to watch the three of them interact. It's enough to melt your heart. Daddy Ben thrills me. Almost as much as Husband Ben. God has blessed me with the most wonderful man.
I love my guys.
Friday, June 24, 2011
I Bet You Hate Rainbows Too
The boys' doctor's appointment went really well. They had to get their four month shots, which they weren't so thrilled about. Darius had been so very cranky the whole time we were at the doctor's; he would scream every time he was put down on the table. Turns out the poor kid was just exhausted. He fell asleep on Donna while we were waiting for the nurse to come in the shots. Darry weighs nearly 17 pounds now (16, 15.5) and Micah is almost 16 (15, 14.5). Still one pound apart, but growing so well! I asked the doctor if we needed to wait until they were doing well with cereal before starting real foods, and she said it was fine. She suggested we give them mashed banana, but I don't want to start with sweet fruits and run the risk of them not accepting vegetables. Once we left the appointment and I was scheduling the 6 month one, I requested the primary change. We're finally going to be seeing our preferred doctor, and I am so happy about it.
When Ben got home on Wednesday (the day of the appointment), I asked if he wanted to start with veggies. So the boys got their first taste of peas. They did so well! Ducky ate more than he had with cereal (though didn't finish his half of the jar), and Mymy not only ate all of his, he finished what was left of Darry's! Peas are definitely approved by the munchkins. When they got them the next morning, though, they each only ate about half of what I gave them. I think they were just tired and overly hungry when I tried, though. They both sucked down a bottle and fell asleep as soon as I took them out of their high chairs. I saved what was left of their breakfast (a little less than half the container) to give them for dinner, but we wound up skipping it. Ben's parents stopped by, since his mom is going on vacation and his dad won't take them overnight by himself. They haven't had the boys in a while, so I think they were just missing them. I would have tried the peas anyways, but Duck Man was beyond cranky. We had hung out with Auntie Nikki during the day (and she watched them while I went to my WIC appointment - we finally got the right formula on the WIC checks!!) and I wound up leaving to go home with them only because they were both being crankpots. I hadn't thought of it, but Ben's dad suggested that their legs were sore from the shots. We wound up giving both of them Tylenol and starting the tubby earlier than normal. D Man was asleep by 6:30/quarter of 7. And he slept until quarter of 8 this morning! I was shocked, but I guess he just really need to go to bed last night. They didn't really nap much during the day yesterday, so I shouldn't be so surprised.
This morning's peas went so well! Ducky probably ate about half a jar, maybe a little less, but the Monkey ate an entire container! That boy loves peas! My one complaint is that he shoves his fingers in his mouth even as the spoon is in there, but he opens his mouth for the spoon and swallows easily. Darius is still figuring it out, but he's getting better. I think he may have been too full when we started because he'd had 6 ounces of formula about half an hour before we started the peas. After watching Mikey take 6-7 spoonfuls, Dar ate 2 more himself. I think seeing how much Monkey likes it helps to convince him that it's good.
I'm so excited to try the next vegetable! I'll probably wait until about Monday before trying anything else.
When Ben got home on Wednesday (the day of the appointment), I asked if he wanted to start with veggies. So the boys got their first taste of peas. They did so well! Ducky ate more than he had with cereal (though didn't finish his half of the jar), and Mymy not only ate all of his, he finished what was left of Darry's! Peas are definitely approved by the munchkins. When they got them the next morning, though, they each only ate about half of what I gave them. I think they were just tired and overly hungry when I tried, though. They both sucked down a bottle and fell asleep as soon as I took them out of their high chairs. I saved what was left of their breakfast (a little less than half the container) to give them for dinner, but we wound up skipping it. Ben's parents stopped by, since his mom is going on vacation and his dad won't take them overnight by himself. They haven't had the boys in a while, so I think they were just missing them. I would have tried the peas anyways, but Duck Man was beyond cranky. We had hung out with Auntie Nikki during the day (and she watched them while I went to my WIC appointment - we finally got the right formula on the WIC checks!!) and I wound up leaving to go home with them only because they were both being crankpots. I hadn't thought of it, but Ben's dad suggested that their legs were sore from the shots. We wound up giving both of them Tylenol and starting the tubby earlier than normal. D Man was asleep by 6:30/quarter of 7. And he slept until quarter of 8 this morning! I was shocked, but I guess he just really need to go to bed last night. They didn't really nap much during the day yesterday, so I shouldn't be so surprised.
This morning's peas went so well! Ducky probably ate about half a jar, maybe a little less, but the Monkey ate an entire container! That boy loves peas! My one complaint is that he shoves his fingers in his mouth even as the spoon is in there, but he opens his mouth for the spoon and swallows easily. Darius is still figuring it out, but he's getting better. I think he may have been too full when we started because he'd had 6 ounces of formula about half an hour before we started the peas. After watching Mikey take 6-7 spoonfuls, Dar ate 2 more himself. I think seeing how much Monkey likes it helps to convince him that it's good.
I'm so excited to try the next vegetable! I'll probably wait until about Monday before trying anything else.
Aw, peas!
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
You'd Better Change It Back Or We Will Both Be Sorry
I've had so much on my mind that I wanted to write about, but of course I've forgotten just about all of it. I really need to start keeping a little notepad with me, so I can write things down. Not just for this, but for everything in life - tasks I want to accomplish, things we need at the store, funny stories I want to tell Ben (these I usually remember once we've gotten into bed and are ready to go to sleep). As my mommy friends have agreed, pregnancy brain sticks around after the baby is born. I swear they steal your brain cells so that you're just a little more stupid once they're here. And I've heard it gets worse with each one. I think for the safety of my brain, I need to not have any more kids...
The boys are growing so fast. I can't believe they're almost 5 months old! Darius is still the little bruiser. He's my gross motor boy. Not only does he flip from back to belly and belly to back, I watched him pull himself forward on his arms the other day. I swear this child is going to be crawling any day now. He loves to jump when you've got him standing on your lap. It makes him absolutely crack up laughing. I had him leaning back on my arm so I could feed him, and he actually sat up on his own. Of course, the effort of pulling himself into a sitting position with his stomach muscles used a little too much momentum and he went flopping forward. But I'm pretty sure he'll be sitting on his own soon too. The one problem with him being able to roll over is that he sometimes smacks his head on the floor when he goes from belly to back. This kid has got to have one tough noggin. And his newest thing is to wake up at all hours of the night and talk to himself. Then he rolls over and goes back to sleep. It's so cute. And as long as he's quiet, I'm good. Ben's heard it more than I have; I sleep through it. Sometimes when he talks, he sounds like a duck. He's got such a low voice for a baby! Mikey's is higher pitched, and D's got this slight gravely-ness to his voice. I love to hear him chatter.
Lil Mymy has figured out how to flip from his belly to his back, and can go from back to belly only when he's in his bouncy chair. We have to buckle him in whenever he sits in it. I'm so nervous he'll wind up rolling completely out of the chair. He still chatters up a storm, though Ducky has caught up to his babbling. They'll talk to each other if they're facing each other lying down, but I haven't seen them do it while in chairs. The one problem with having a social-emotional child is that he wants to be involved in everything. He hates when you leave him alone (though now his brother is an acceptable playmate. Unlike before, he'll be ok if you put the two of them in a playpen and leave the room), and he is now fighting sleep like you wouldn't believe. It took an hour to get him to go down last night. We've had to resort to cry-it-out on occasion. As long as we know he's fed and dry and safe, it has to be done. He'll eventually learn that bedtime is bedtime and there's no changing that. At least I hope so. His new thing is to scream bloody murder at the drop of a hat. It's his new cry - beyond high pitched and makes you feel like your ears are about to bleed. In fact he was sleeping in his bouncy and startled himself awake. He immediately began screaming so much that I thought he was in pain. But once I picked him up, he stopped and settled back to sleep. I hate when he cries like that. There was one day that he did it so much I was ready to take him to the hospital. It sounds just like the pain cry they used to have. I really hope he gets over crying like that. It's awful.
I've tried cereal a couple more times, but they don't seem to like it much. I can't get them to even take a tablespoon of it in one sitting. I know it's not a necessity for them to eat solids yet, but I want to give them new experiences. I don't like that they pretty much go through the same thing everyday. I know babies love repetition, but I know that new things help their brains develop. We're going to the doctor today for their four month check up and shots (5 days before they turn 5 months. Don't get me started on this), and I'm going to ask if they have to be on cereal for a full week before we start with vegetables. I'm wondering if flavor will get them more interested. And they've had cereal in their bottles for quite a while now, so it's not like they haven't experienced it at all. I also need to ask about poor Duck Man's back. It's so dry and almost scaly. I don't know if it's a rash or just really bad dry skin, but I'm hoping we can do something about it. Ben thinks it's heat rash. I suppose it's possible, but I didn't think it had gotten hot enough for that to happen.
The boys are so young, but already our summer is so busy! We've got birthdays coming up, staycations with the church, beach days... and, of course, Bing and Erin's wedding (squee!). I can't even imagine how much busier summers will be when they get older. I love my little men, but I'm so excited for when they're older and we can go on vacations and make memories. There's great things about every age. Ben says that in his mind they're 20 and moved out, but I think that's just him joking. They're at the age where we can (kind of) play with them, and get them to laugh, and I know he loves that. He comes home and immediately picks one of them up and just holds him for a while. In fact, when they stayed with my parents this weekend, Ben said he missed them when he woke up the next morning. He's started taking them for walks after dinner. I know he loves his boys. And I think as they get older, it will just get easier to love them. Each stage will bring something new to adore, and we'll get to relive things as they experience them for the first time. I can't wait to take them to the aquarium or the zoo or museums. I can't wait to see their eyes light up for the first time (though the concentration face is so adorable right now). I love my boys. Helping them grow is so fun, and I know it's just going to get better.
The boys are growing so fast. I can't believe they're almost 5 months old! Darius is still the little bruiser. He's my gross motor boy. Not only does he flip from back to belly and belly to back, I watched him pull himself forward on his arms the other day. I swear this child is going to be crawling any day now. He loves to jump when you've got him standing on your lap. It makes him absolutely crack up laughing. I had him leaning back on my arm so I could feed him, and he actually sat up on his own. Of course, the effort of pulling himself into a sitting position with his stomach muscles used a little too much momentum and he went flopping forward. But I'm pretty sure he'll be sitting on his own soon too. The one problem with him being able to roll over is that he sometimes smacks his head on the floor when he goes from belly to back. This kid has got to have one tough noggin. And his newest thing is to wake up at all hours of the night and talk to himself. Then he rolls over and goes back to sleep. It's so cute. And as long as he's quiet, I'm good. Ben's heard it more than I have; I sleep through it. Sometimes when he talks, he sounds like a duck. He's got such a low voice for a baby! Mikey's is higher pitched, and D's got this slight gravely-ness to his voice. I love to hear him chatter.
Lil Mymy has figured out how to flip from his belly to his back, and can go from back to belly only when he's in his bouncy chair. We have to buckle him in whenever he sits in it. I'm so nervous he'll wind up rolling completely out of the chair. He still chatters up a storm, though Ducky has caught up to his babbling. They'll talk to each other if they're facing each other lying down, but I haven't seen them do it while in chairs. The one problem with having a social-emotional child is that he wants to be involved in everything. He hates when you leave him alone (though now his brother is an acceptable playmate. Unlike before, he'll be ok if you put the two of them in a playpen and leave the room), and he is now fighting sleep like you wouldn't believe. It took an hour to get him to go down last night. We've had to resort to cry-it-out on occasion. As long as we know he's fed and dry and safe, it has to be done. He'll eventually learn that bedtime is bedtime and there's no changing that. At least I hope so. His new thing is to scream bloody murder at the drop of a hat. It's his new cry - beyond high pitched and makes you feel like your ears are about to bleed. In fact he was sleeping in his bouncy and startled himself awake. He immediately began screaming so much that I thought he was in pain. But once I picked him up, he stopped and settled back to sleep. I hate when he cries like that. There was one day that he did it so much I was ready to take him to the hospital. It sounds just like the pain cry they used to have. I really hope he gets over crying like that. It's awful.
I've tried cereal a couple more times, but they don't seem to like it much. I can't get them to even take a tablespoon of it in one sitting. I know it's not a necessity for them to eat solids yet, but I want to give them new experiences. I don't like that they pretty much go through the same thing everyday. I know babies love repetition, but I know that new things help their brains develop. We're going to the doctor today for their four month check up and shots (5 days before they turn 5 months. Don't get me started on this), and I'm going to ask if they have to be on cereal for a full week before we start with vegetables. I'm wondering if flavor will get them more interested. And they've had cereal in their bottles for quite a while now, so it's not like they haven't experienced it at all. I also need to ask about poor Duck Man's back. It's so dry and almost scaly. I don't know if it's a rash or just really bad dry skin, but I'm hoping we can do something about it. Ben thinks it's heat rash. I suppose it's possible, but I didn't think it had gotten hot enough for that to happen.
The boys are so young, but already our summer is so busy! We've got birthdays coming up, staycations with the church, beach days... and, of course, Bing and Erin's wedding (squee!). I can't even imagine how much busier summers will be when they get older. I love my little men, but I'm so excited for when they're older and we can go on vacations and make memories. There's great things about every age. Ben says that in his mind they're 20 and moved out, but I think that's just him joking. They're at the age where we can (kind of) play with them, and get them to laugh, and I know he loves that. He comes home and immediately picks one of them up and just holds him for a while. In fact, when they stayed with my parents this weekend, Ben said he missed them when he woke up the next morning. He's started taking them for walks after dinner. I know he loves his boys. And I think as they get older, it will just get easier to love them. Each stage will bring something new to adore, and we'll get to relive things as they experience them for the first time. I can't wait to take them to the aquarium or the zoo or museums. I can't wait to see their eyes light up for the first time (though the concentration face is so adorable right now). I love my boys. Helping them grow is so fun, and I know it's just going to get better.
Monday, June 13, 2011
Penny For Your Thoughts, Oh No, I'll Sell Them For A Dollar
I don't like when it takes me a while to get to blog again. I feel like there are so many things that I intended to write that I just forget. But every time I wanted to, one or both of my little men decided to act up and need Mommy's attention.
They seem to be doing well on the medication. It's been nearly 2 weeks, and while they are eating more than they had been, they're still not quite to where they need to be. Two days they got about 27 ounces, which was awesome, but we haven't seen that for a while. I think yesterday they were both around 22/24. Then again, they had been in the nursery at church in the morning, and I think that if they had been at home we would have wound up feeding them more. I don't blame the nursery workers, though. They had 7 or 8 kids in there! I can't ask them to concentrate on my two when they've got so many to look after! Including another set of twins!
I'm hoping that we'll just keep getting better as far as intake is concerned. I'm trying my hardest not to stress about it. While I want them to get to the 30/32 ounce minimum, I know that they are gaining weight properly. As long as they're not staying the same or losing, I'm not going to freak out. Mainly because when I do, I tend to force-feed, and I don't want the boys to learn to eat when they're not hungry. I know it's a problem with formula fed babies, and if they learn the American way of eating not solely based on hunger, then they will have a higher risk of childhood obesity and juvenile diabetes. And I don't even want to think about going down that road. If I'm stressed out now, I can't even imagine how I would be then!
Saturday night I was taking Ducky out of the tub and I had him standing while I held his hands. His feet slipped backwards and his face smacked into the lip of the tub wall. One moment of shock and the screaming started. I was surprisingly calm and just set to calming him. When I pulled him from my shoulder, I saw the blood coming from his mouth. Poor little boy. Everything seems to happen to him. He was the one who had a hard time being delivered (and wound up with a bruise that covered his entire forehead from the vacuum), and he was the one to roll off the bed at only a few weeks. It just seems like if anyone is going to get hurt, it's my Duck Man. Ben came in and took him from me (only because he thought I would be freaking out) and told me to go feed Mymy. Darius seemed to calm right down once Daddy had him. Ben checked his mouth, and said that there was a cut where his upper lip met the gums. While I wasn't too worried about it, Ben was concerned about the risk of infection, so I called the pediatrician. Whoever it was that called me back said that the risk of infection in the mouth is very low, and it will show by fever, redness, or swelling in the first 48 hours. He then said that we would be fine to treat at home with a cold compress and Tylenol. My first encounter with my son bleeding, and I think I handled it pretty well.
Of course, that got me upset later. I wound up crying to Ben that I fear I don't love them enough. After all, if I was a "normal" Mommy, I'd have been freaking out that he was hurt ... wouldn't I? While I do have my head-over-heels-crazy-parent-love moments with them, they are not a consistent, or even daily thing. I guess my biggest fear right now is that they will grow to feel that I don't love them. When I was hanging out with Cassie on Friday, I told her how we're going to Bing and Erin's wedding at Loon Mountain in August, and we're going to have to stay 2 nights because of the minimums the hotels have, so the boys will be spending the weekend at Granny Grace and Grampy Jack's. She was in shock that I would leave them for the weekend, and asked how I could do it. For me, it's such an exciting thing. I can't wait to have a whole weekend for just me and Ben. I explained that we've had a baby free night at least once a week since the boys have been born, so I'm pretty much used to it. Of course, this is the first time we'll actually be going away instead of just being at home, so I really have no idea how I'll be when I'm so far from them. ... But that's part of what makes me question myself. If I "truly" loved them, wouldn't I be anxious about leaving them for a weekend? Or is it that I've had so many nights without them to prep myself for the prospect of going away? I've never been a parent before, so I can only judge by how I've seen others do it. I know everyone is different, but I worry that I'm not doing anything right. Even loving my kids.
My main prayer for right now is that if I were to be able to bond more easily to another child, or feel "in-love" with them all the time, or just overall have an easier time loving on them, that God would not give us any more children. As much as I have that dream of a daughter in the back of my head (and God knows the desire to have a little girl), I would rather go without her than to have one or both of my sons feel that I love her more than them. Or even if we were to wind up with another boy, I don't want either of them to think that I love their little brother more than them. I know the dynamic is completely different with each of your children, but I don't ever want to hurt Mikey or Darius by having them feel that I love someone else more than them. So that is the cry of my heart right now - Lord, do not give us any more children if I will have an easier time feeling my love for them.
I really do stress about everything...
Saturday was the fifth Particle Accelerator. It was, unfortunately, a dreary and cold day. We didn't have as good a turnout as last year, but it still seemed to go well. My dad wrote a song called "Choose Life" and performed it at the event. It was beautiful, and I cried from the first line. He had been so nervous, since he hadn't performed in about 15 years, but he did an absolutely amazing job. I'm hoping he'll sing it again next year. :)
I think I've babbled long enough. Since the boys are sleeping, I may try to do a little reading. Ben had gotten me so many books for Mother's Day, and I haven't gotten through a single one. Father's Day is this Sunday! I'm so excited. :)
They seem to be doing well on the medication. It's been nearly 2 weeks, and while they are eating more than they had been, they're still not quite to where they need to be. Two days they got about 27 ounces, which was awesome, but we haven't seen that for a while. I think yesterday they were both around 22/24. Then again, they had been in the nursery at church in the morning, and I think that if they had been at home we would have wound up feeding them more. I don't blame the nursery workers, though. They had 7 or 8 kids in there! I can't ask them to concentrate on my two when they've got so many to look after! Including another set of twins!
I'm hoping that we'll just keep getting better as far as intake is concerned. I'm trying my hardest not to stress about it. While I want them to get to the 30/32 ounce minimum, I know that they are gaining weight properly. As long as they're not staying the same or losing, I'm not going to freak out. Mainly because when I do, I tend to force-feed, and I don't want the boys to learn to eat when they're not hungry. I know it's a problem with formula fed babies, and if they learn the American way of eating not solely based on hunger, then they will have a higher risk of childhood obesity and juvenile diabetes. And I don't even want to think about going down that road. If I'm stressed out now, I can't even imagine how I would be then!
Saturday night I was taking Ducky out of the tub and I had him standing while I held his hands. His feet slipped backwards and his face smacked into the lip of the tub wall. One moment of shock and the screaming started. I was surprisingly calm and just set to calming him. When I pulled him from my shoulder, I saw the blood coming from his mouth. Poor little boy. Everything seems to happen to him. He was the one who had a hard time being delivered (and wound up with a bruise that covered his entire forehead from the vacuum), and he was the one to roll off the bed at only a few weeks. It just seems like if anyone is going to get hurt, it's my Duck Man. Ben came in and took him from me (only because he thought I would be freaking out) and told me to go feed Mymy. Darius seemed to calm right down once Daddy had him. Ben checked his mouth, and said that there was a cut where his upper lip met the gums. While I wasn't too worried about it, Ben was concerned about the risk of infection, so I called the pediatrician. Whoever it was that called me back said that the risk of infection in the mouth is very low, and it will show by fever, redness, or swelling in the first 48 hours. He then said that we would be fine to treat at home with a cold compress and Tylenol. My first encounter with my son bleeding, and I think I handled it pretty well.
Of course, that got me upset later. I wound up crying to Ben that I fear I don't love them enough. After all, if I was a "normal" Mommy, I'd have been freaking out that he was hurt ... wouldn't I? While I do have my head-over-heels-crazy-parent-love moments with them, they are not a consistent, or even daily thing. I guess my biggest fear right now is that they will grow to feel that I don't love them. When I was hanging out with Cassie on Friday, I told her how we're going to Bing and Erin's wedding at Loon Mountain in August, and we're going to have to stay 2 nights because of the minimums the hotels have, so the boys will be spending the weekend at Granny Grace and Grampy Jack's. She was in shock that I would leave them for the weekend, and asked how I could do it. For me, it's such an exciting thing. I can't wait to have a whole weekend for just me and Ben. I explained that we've had a baby free night at least once a week since the boys have been born, so I'm pretty much used to it. Of course, this is the first time we'll actually be going away instead of just being at home, so I really have no idea how I'll be when I'm so far from them. ... But that's part of what makes me question myself. If I "truly" loved them, wouldn't I be anxious about leaving them for a weekend? Or is it that I've had so many nights without them to prep myself for the prospect of going away? I've never been a parent before, so I can only judge by how I've seen others do it. I know everyone is different, but I worry that I'm not doing anything right. Even loving my kids.
My main prayer for right now is that if I were to be able to bond more easily to another child, or feel "in-love" with them all the time, or just overall have an easier time loving on them, that God would not give us any more children. As much as I have that dream of a daughter in the back of my head (and God knows the desire to have a little girl), I would rather go without her than to have one or both of my sons feel that I love her more than them. Or even if we were to wind up with another boy, I don't want either of them to think that I love their little brother more than them. I know the dynamic is completely different with each of your children, but I don't ever want to hurt Mikey or Darius by having them feel that I love someone else more than them. So that is the cry of my heart right now - Lord, do not give us any more children if I will have an easier time feeling my love for them.
I really do stress about everything...
Saturday was the fifth Particle Accelerator. It was, unfortunately, a dreary and cold day. We didn't have as good a turnout as last year, but it still seemed to go well. My dad wrote a song called "Choose Life" and performed it at the event. It was beautiful, and I cried from the first line. He had been so nervous, since he hadn't performed in about 15 years, but he did an absolutely amazing job. I'm hoping he'll sing it again next year. :)
I think I've babbled long enough. Since the boys are sleeping, I may try to do a little reading. Ben had gotten me so many books for Mother's Day, and I haven't gotten through a single one. Father's Day is this Sunday! I'm so excited. :)
Friday, June 3, 2011
By research, do you mean Glamour magazine? Because I read that article, too.
What a crazy week it's been. Last weekend my mum came up to visit with us, and she is a force of nature! For four days she was a whirlwind and accomplished more than we could have in a week. I can't believe the mountains of laundry that she did, the pile of dishes, steam-cleaning the floors (so they are also sterilized), and general tidying. Our bedroom looks fantastic. The bathroom is amazing. I love having a fresh, clean kitchen. There is still some de-cluttering that needs to be done, but I am so appreciative of how wonderful she made the apartment look.
The first day she came up we went to get portraits done at Sears. I, of course, dressed the boys in their pirate skull onesies from John and Melissa, and they looked AWESOME in them! We got some of the cutest pictures. Mum insisted we go back Sunday (since we'd had more prints to pick out) with the boys in different outfits because she wanted a certain pose. She admitted afterward that she wanted them in non-pirate wear for the picture she wanted to hang. I still prefer my pirate boys. (I can't wait for their hair to be long enough to faux-hawk!)
For the boys' first Memorial Day, it rained all morning. It was a disappointment because they cancelled the parade. I wanted to take them to it, and it was the first year that Particle Accelerator would have a float. Ben's family was disappointed. I can't believe Particle is one week away. And it's the fifth year running! I can only hope that it does better than ever (last year was the best year yet!). I don't know how many people they've reached, but I truly believe that many people are touched and saved by the benefit concert to raise money for suicide prevention and awareness. This is the first year that Sam's family will be a part of it. It's going to be a hard day for them. I hope my mother-in-law can help Ginny. They just had to go through their fourth anniversary of Jack's death. It will never be easier, but somehow it becomes more tolerable. At least I hope so. It would have been his 31st birthday...
Anyways, Tuesday we had Liz and Natalya-Rose's baby sprinkle! She is such a beautiful baby. The boys were mostly behaved, but it was outside and hot, and they don't appreciate being too warm. Those two hours were great, though. It was almost like having a mini mom's group! Missy was a wonderful hostess, and she really pulled off a great event. (Of course, I brought the brownies and cookies while everyone else had fruit dishes!! I laughed about it later with Ben.)
Wednesday the boys did not do well with eating. Ben came home, and Micah had only had 8 1/2 ounces of formula, while Darius had only had 11. I called the pediatrician and they had us come in at 7:30. I couldn't believe how much they spat up while we were there. I had never seen them spit up like that. They were super grumpy, since it was bedtime, but they did well. We left the appointment surprised to find that even with their eating issues, the boys had gained a pound each in two weeks, and with medication (FINALLY) for them! We're on day two of the meds, and I'm not sure yet how they're doing. I was told by a friend that it can take a week to work, so I'm willing to give it time. For now we're keeping the upper GI appointments (to rule out any anatomy issues) and praying that the Zantac will work for them. They didn't eat so well yesterday, but it was definitely better than the day before. And Mikey wouldn't settle in the middle of the night (after having 7 1/2 ounces before bed! He hasn't eaten like that in a long time!) so Ben got up and fed him another 4 ounces. I hope things get better for them. I hate when they're not feeling well.
I'm surprised I was able to get all this down. I thought I'd have to step away from the blog to tend to the boys, as they hadn't woken yet and it's after 6. But I hear Ducky chirping in his crib, so I guess I've finished right on time!
The first day she came up we went to get portraits done at Sears. I, of course, dressed the boys in their pirate skull onesies from John and Melissa, and they looked AWESOME in them! We got some of the cutest pictures. Mum insisted we go back Sunday (since we'd had more prints to pick out) with the boys in different outfits because she wanted a certain pose. She admitted afterward that she wanted them in non-pirate wear for the picture she wanted to hang. I still prefer my pirate boys. (I can't wait for their hair to be long enough to faux-hawk!)
For the boys' first Memorial Day, it rained all morning. It was a disappointment because they cancelled the parade. I wanted to take them to it, and it was the first year that Particle Accelerator would have a float. Ben's family was disappointed. I can't believe Particle is one week away. And it's the fifth year running! I can only hope that it does better than ever (last year was the best year yet!). I don't know how many people they've reached, but I truly believe that many people are touched and saved by the benefit concert to raise money for suicide prevention and awareness. This is the first year that Sam's family will be a part of it. It's going to be a hard day for them. I hope my mother-in-law can help Ginny. They just had to go through their fourth anniversary of Jack's death. It will never be easier, but somehow it becomes more tolerable. At least I hope so. It would have been his 31st birthday...
Anyways, Tuesday we had Liz and Natalya-Rose's baby sprinkle! She is such a beautiful baby. The boys were mostly behaved, but it was outside and hot, and they don't appreciate being too warm. Those two hours were great, though. It was almost like having a mini mom's group! Missy was a wonderful hostess, and she really pulled off a great event. (Of course, I brought the brownies and cookies while everyone else had fruit dishes!! I laughed about it later with Ben.)
Wednesday the boys did not do well with eating. Ben came home, and Micah had only had 8 1/2 ounces of formula, while Darius had only had 11. I called the pediatrician and they had us come in at 7:30. I couldn't believe how much they spat up while we were there. I had never seen them spit up like that. They were super grumpy, since it was bedtime, but they did well. We left the appointment surprised to find that even with their eating issues, the boys had gained a pound each in two weeks, and with medication (FINALLY) for them! We're on day two of the meds, and I'm not sure yet how they're doing. I was told by a friend that it can take a week to work, so I'm willing to give it time. For now we're keeping the upper GI appointments (to rule out any anatomy issues) and praying that the Zantac will work for them. They didn't eat so well yesterday, but it was definitely better than the day before. And Mikey wouldn't settle in the middle of the night (after having 7 1/2 ounces before bed! He hasn't eaten like that in a long time!) so Ben got up and fed him another 4 ounces. I hope things get better for them. I hate when they're not feeling well.
I'm surprised I was able to get all this down. I thought I'd have to step away from the blog to tend to the boys, as they hadn't woken yet and it's after 6. But I hear Ducky chirping in his crib, so I guess I've finished right on time!
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
I Fear You Are Underestimating The Sneakiness, Sir
I finally got some kind of answer about the boys' upper GIs. After waiting until Thursday to start my daily calls (after the appointment had been on Monday...), and getting "oh, I see you've already called" on Friday (ugh! Yes, I already called. But no one called me back. Do you not understand the I'm going to call til I get an answer thing? Cuz I'm sure I'm not the first Mom to try it!), I decided to try being a little sneaky on Monday. (You know, cuz it's not like I'd been waiting a whole week for some kind of answer...) Since the boys are four months on Friday (SOB!) I called the ped center to ask about feedings. When the nurse called me back (since they always answer for a question like that) I asked her if it would be ok to start cereal, since that's the age I had been reading online was the typical start time. She said it should be fine, then asked a few questions. When she asked if they spat up, I told her that we think they have acid reflux and are waiting for upper GI appointments. She said that they don't suggest starting cereal until that is figured out, because it can make it worse (which is weird, since they tell you to put cereal in their bottles...), and then said she would look into the appointments for me. When she called back a few hours later, she told me that she'd sent the referral to UMASS (a whole week and they hadn't even sent the referral yet!!! ARGH!) and to give them until the end of this week to contact me to make the appointment. So at least we're getting somewhere. I'm still beyond frustrated though. At least she gave me their number, so I can call them Friday. I just want to get the boys seen. I hate this.
So, a little sneakiness paid off. I don't care. I'll do what I have to to take care of my boys. Speaking of which, Monkey's getting fussy so I think he needs to eat. SUPER SHORT BLOOOOOOGGGG! Yeah... later.
So, a little sneakiness paid off. I don't care. I'll do what I have to to take care of my boys. Speaking of which, Monkey's getting fussy so I think he needs to eat. SUPER SHORT BLOOOOOOGGGG! Yeah... later.
Friday, May 20, 2011
"I'm not tossing the baby out with the bathwater here" "I've totally done that"
Again, it's been a while since I've posted. This time due more to stress than anything else. We've been having such issues with the boys. I took them to the doctor (since they've had this cold for well over a month, and all the issues we're having with feedings) and she gave us nebulizers to break up the congestion of the cold, and wants to make appointments for upper GIs to diagnose reflux in the babies. Due to my history of moderate to severe acid reflux, she's pretty sure that's what it is, but we have to wait for the tests in order to get any kind of medicine. As of right now, we don't even have a date on the appointment. I'm calling them every day until I get some kind of resolution. I don't even know what STATE the appointment will be in. They may send us out of state to one of the bigger hospitals. I'm just so upset, because they are having such problems. Ben nearly drove Darius to the ER the other day, because the boy was screaming in pain for so long. It's a fight to get them to eat, and yesterday they only had about 20 ounces. That's it. I've been told at this age the minimum they should be eating is 30. What am I supposed to do? If I try to feed them when they aren't crying for it, they will not eat. Even when they ARE crying for it, they don't eat much. I'm so frustrated. I worry about their brains developing properly, about their growth. If I can't get them to take at least 6 ounces before going to bed, they're up every hour. We have to keep going down and giving them their binkies. And they fall right back to sleep. So it's not even like we could feed them more. They'd just pass out in the first few sips.
I'm getting run down. My lungs started hurting again, I wake with a headache (today was migraine level pain) just about every day, I'm getting body aches - maybe from getting sick, or perhaps just how I'm sleeping. When I actually sleep, I fall so quickly into such a deep sleep that my body doesn't move. I'll usually turn over a few times during the night, which I think keeps my muscles a little loose. When I stay in the same position all night, I wake up feeling sore and hurt all day long. I've gotten to the point where I'm sleeping through them crying because I'm just that tired, and poor Ben jumps up to take care of them until he's so wiped he has to wake me. This morning he came to wake me up because Micah was at the point of hunger and not just fussy for a binky, and I was in so much pain from my headache, and it felt like I'd only slept a few hours. I truly thought it was midnight. I looked at the clock and saw it was 4:45 - normal wake up time for one of them. I'd slept all night, and it felt like I hadn't really slept at all. It was a bad morning. Mikey ate fine, but then was awake and just so babbly. All I wanted was for him to go back to bed so I could try to get a few more hours and hopefully be more awake/in less pain by the time I got up again. At 5:30, he was ready to go back to bed, so I got him down, laid down myself, and slept another one and a half hours. My headache is less, but still so very there, and both boys are currently napping again.
We've tried cereal in the bottles to help with the spit up/reflux, but then the problem was that the nipples would get clogged, and they would scream out of hunger and frustration. Ben bought cereal nipples, and they couldn't suck hard enough to get the Y-cut to open. Again, screams of hunger and frustration. No more cereal in the bottles, but they only have really bad spit up on occasion. They'll spit up almost every feeding, but it seems to be less (especially since they're on the soy - the doctor wants them to stay on soy for now). The biggest problem we have with them (especially at night - I read that GERD symptoms tend to be worse at night, joy) is the arching and pain cries. Ducky usually does the screaming, Mikey just arches so bad he nearly tosses himself out of your arms/the chair (he would if he wasn't strapped in), and doesn't want to eat. Infants with GERD either want to eat all the time (it soothes the pain as they're sucking) or very little (the food agitates the reflux). It seems like they go back and forth with it, but mostly don't want to eat. They're gaining weight ok, and I think that makes the doctor feel like it's a slight enough case that they can take their time with it. I'm sorry, but hearing my kids scream and watching them arch so much I wonder if they're going to snap in half is NOT something I can keep doing day after day! I know what it's like to have a fire in your chest. To be so hungry it starts the reflux, and then have it continue because you've eaten. They're just babies. They shouldn't have to suffer. I'm so upset, but I can't make them give me medicine. But I can call them day after day until they get so annoyed they give me the appointment. The boys need to be seen. I need to have them not be in pain all the time.
The weather is not helping. I want to take them outside on walks - get us all some fresh air and get me out of cabin fever mode. But the dreary, rainy, somewhat chilly weather keeps us homebound and I hate it. I hate being cooped up. Adding insult to injury, it just makes me antsy and, I feel, tends to make me get frustrated easier. I have no outlet except for complaining on facebook, and don't get me started on that. I hate feeling like all I do is tell the world I hate my children. I love them, but what we're going through is stressful and I don't know how to handle it. I honestly think that some of my FB friends think I hate my kids. I just need to get it out, for fear I'll explode otherwise. Maybe facebook isn't the best outlet, but I don't think feel like I have any other way.
This is just a phase. It will come to an end. I keep reminding myself that this will not last forever, even though it feels like it will sometimes. Eventually this will just be a memory. One day the boys won't scream every time they eat. ... One day...
I'm getting run down. My lungs started hurting again, I wake with a headache (today was migraine level pain) just about every day, I'm getting body aches - maybe from getting sick, or perhaps just how I'm sleeping. When I actually sleep, I fall so quickly into such a deep sleep that my body doesn't move. I'll usually turn over a few times during the night, which I think keeps my muscles a little loose. When I stay in the same position all night, I wake up feeling sore and hurt all day long. I've gotten to the point where I'm sleeping through them crying because I'm just that tired, and poor Ben jumps up to take care of them until he's so wiped he has to wake me. This morning he came to wake me up because Micah was at the point of hunger and not just fussy for a binky, and I was in so much pain from my headache, and it felt like I'd only slept a few hours. I truly thought it was midnight. I looked at the clock and saw it was 4:45 - normal wake up time for one of them. I'd slept all night, and it felt like I hadn't really slept at all. It was a bad morning. Mikey ate fine, but then was awake and just so babbly. All I wanted was for him to go back to bed so I could try to get a few more hours and hopefully be more awake/in less pain by the time I got up again. At 5:30, he was ready to go back to bed, so I got him down, laid down myself, and slept another one and a half hours. My headache is less, but still so very there, and both boys are currently napping again.
We've tried cereal in the bottles to help with the spit up/reflux, but then the problem was that the nipples would get clogged, and they would scream out of hunger and frustration. Ben bought cereal nipples, and they couldn't suck hard enough to get the Y-cut to open. Again, screams of hunger and frustration. No more cereal in the bottles, but they only have really bad spit up on occasion. They'll spit up almost every feeding, but it seems to be less (especially since they're on the soy - the doctor wants them to stay on soy for now). The biggest problem we have with them (especially at night - I read that GERD symptoms tend to be worse at night, joy) is the arching and pain cries. Ducky usually does the screaming, Mikey just arches so bad he nearly tosses himself out of your arms/the chair (he would if he wasn't strapped in), and doesn't want to eat. Infants with GERD either want to eat all the time (it soothes the pain as they're sucking) or very little (the food agitates the reflux). It seems like they go back and forth with it, but mostly don't want to eat. They're gaining weight ok, and I think that makes the doctor feel like it's a slight enough case that they can take their time with it. I'm sorry, but hearing my kids scream and watching them arch so much I wonder if they're going to snap in half is NOT something I can keep doing day after day! I know what it's like to have a fire in your chest. To be so hungry it starts the reflux, and then have it continue because you've eaten. They're just babies. They shouldn't have to suffer. I'm so upset, but I can't make them give me medicine. But I can call them day after day until they get so annoyed they give me the appointment. The boys need to be seen. I need to have them not be in pain all the time.
The weather is not helping. I want to take them outside on walks - get us all some fresh air and get me out of cabin fever mode. But the dreary, rainy, somewhat chilly weather keeps us homebound and I hate it. I hate being cooped up. Adding insult to injury, it just makes me antsy and, I feel, tends to make me get frustrated easier. I have no outlet except for complaining on facebook, and don't get me started on that. I hate feeling like all I do is tell the world I hate my children. I love them, but what we're going through is stressful and I don't know how to handle it. I honestly think that some of my FB friends think I hate my kids. I just need to get it out, for fear I'll explode otherwise. Maybe facebook isn't the best outlet, but I don't think feel like I have any other way.
This is just a phase. It will come to an end. I keep reminding myself that this will not last forever, even though it feels like it will sometimes. Eventually this will just be a memory. One day the boys won't scream every time they eat. ... One day...
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
God could not be everywhere and therefore He made mothers. ~Jewish Proverb
The boys are growing by leaps and bounds. Ben will often comment that he'll come home from work to find them different. They're doing wonderfully, but there is still so much that we are just learning.
On Saturday we started the boys on soy formula. After three weeks of unbelievably hungry babies who screamed through every nighttime feeding, we knew we had to try something different. At their 2 month appointment, we had told the doctor how gassy and spit uppy they were, and he suggested trying different formulas. But since we are on WIC, I told Ben we couldn't do that. So we went through many nights of screaming matches, stress, and some anger. Finally I asked Ben what he thought about trying soy. We figured, it can't hurt to try, right? So we tried soy Saturday night and for the first time, Micah drank a full 4 ounce bottle without a peep. Ben was so happy that he cried. (Talk about melting your heart. It brought tears to my eyes to see him like that) And, for the first time, Mikey took 8 ounces before finally falling asleep. We've had him on soy ever since. Darius we weren't so sure about. We thought that maybe he still needed regular but after Sunday where he was pretty grumpy, we've got him on soy too. They're still gassy and have spit up, but it seems to be less of an amount than they used to. I still might make a doctor's appointment for them, though. Not only are they STILL super congested, but they will spit up hours after eating. I'm not sure if that's normal...
Sunday was our first Mother's Day. It was also the first day that we put the boys in 3-6 month clothes (talk about an unhappy Mama. I was mad when they grew out of Newborn stuff!) Not only were they in matching outfits, but Ben and I had gotten shirts the same color as what they were going to wear. Yes, we did make sure to get a family picture. And, of course, Micah has to look minorly grumpy in the one where we look the best. It has to be someone, right? :P
Our first Mother's Day was pretty busy. We went to first service at church so that we could go to the nursing home to see my grandmother for noon. My parents bought Chinese food for everyone, so we had a nice lunch with her. After visiting with Grandma L, we went to my in-law's to have birthday cake. Ben's mom had made one for Jack, since he would have been 31. It was the first Mother's Day that fell on his birthday since his passing, and so it was a very difficult day for her. I truly hope that having some time with the babies managed to brighten it for her. Not only did Mikey tell her lots of stories, Duck Man fell asleep on Dad. And Grandma Joan got to snuggle the Monkey and make him laugh.
By the time we finally got home, I was wiped. Going to an earlier service made the day seem so much longer, but at least we got some time to ourselves at home.
Monday night the boys went to their Nonni and Pepe's house. Luckily, they were well behaved and slept really well for them. I always feel bad when they have a hard time. But everyone enjoyed their sleepover. And Mommy and Daddy enjoyed a night of uninterrupted sleep.
Yesterday was not the best of days. Well, it was good until the end. I went to MOPS, picked up the boys, went to buy formula, then had to exchange it (the WIC checks have to be used for the regular formula, since that's what they list, but luckily Wal*Mart will exchange regular for soy), got the boys home and fed them, then went on a walk with Auntie Cassie and Lillie. Once we got home from that, my car had to be taken to the mechanic for an oil change, and when Ben got home we had dinner. After that we were able to video chat with my mum for the first time! It was really nice to be able to see her.
Once that was all over, the trouble started. The boys had been napping, but when Micah woke up he was very unhappy. I started his bath, but he had been straining, so I checked his diaper to find he needed a change. Not surprising, since he hadn't pooped yet that day, and they usually go at least once. When I went to change him, he was screaming bloody murder. I laid him down, and it got even worse. For the first (and hopefully only) time, I saw some blood in his stool. I made Ben call the doctor while I changed him, and the poor thing screamed the whole time. He was still trying to go, but it just wasn't working. It was hard as a rock and very difficult for him to pass. I felt so bad, I nearly cried. But after getting a new diaper on, and picking him up, the crying stopped. In fact, once he got into the tub, he was downright cheerful (amazing how babies can bounce back, huh?). Ben was told by the doctor (or nurse, whoever called) that it could be from the change in diet, or even because we had been trying cereal (we gave it an attempt to try and get them to go longer that 2 hours in between feedings. Hasn't worked. Giving up on cereal for now), but that we could give them juice. 1 ounce per month old per day. So right now they can have up to 3 ounces per day. Apple and pear work best, so after putting the boys to bed, Ben went to the store to buy juice. I'll be trying it once they wake up. I hope that it helps (Ducky never pooped yesterday, so I'm nervous about him), because I can not go through that again. My poor little boy.
It's nearly 6, and neither one has woken up yet, though I've been hearing some fidgeting. They went to bed between 8:30 and 9 so I'm not surprised they're still sleeping. We may start putting them to bed later, if it will help them to sleep in. They'll be going to bed late tonight because we're going to try going to Mini Church again. I hope it works out. I really hate not going.
Time to go make coffee.......
On Saturday we started the boys on soy formula. After three weeks of unbelievably hungry babies who screamed through every nighttime feeding, we knew we had to try something different. At their 2 month appointment, we had told the doctor how gassy and spit uppy they were, and he suggested trying different formulas. But since we are on WIC, I told Ben we couldn't do that. So we went through many nights of screaming matches, stress, and some anger. Finally I asked Ben what he thought about trying soy. We figured, it can't hurt to try, right? So we tried soy Saturday night and for the first time, Micah drank a full 4 ounce bottle without a peep. Ben was so happy that he cried. (Talk about melting your heart. It brought tears to my eyes to see him like that) And, for the first time, Mikey took 8 ounces before finally falling asleep. We've had him on soy ever since. Darius we weren't so sure about. We thought that maybe he still needed regular but after Sunday where he was pretty grumpy, we've got him on soy too. They're still gassy and have spit up, but it seems to be less of an amount than they used to. I still might make a doctor's appointment for them, though. Not only are they STILL super congested, but they will spit up hours after eating. I'm not sure if that's normal...
Sunday was our first Mother's Day. It was also the first day that we put the boys in 3-6 month clothes (talk about an unhappy Mama. I was mad when they grew out of Newborn stuff!) Not only were they in matching outfits, but Ben and I had gotten shirts the same color as what they were going to wear. Yes, we did make sure to get a family picture. And, of course, Micah has to look minorly grumpy in the one where we look the best. It has to be someone, right? :P
Our first Mother's Day was pretty busy. We went to first service at church so that we could go to the nursing home to see my grandmother for noon. My parents bought Chinese food for everyone, so we had a nice lunch with her. After visiting with Grandma L, we went to my in-law's to have birthday cake. Ben's mom had made one for Jack, since he would have been 31. It was the first Mother's Day that fell on his birthday since his passing, and so it was a very difficult day for her. I truly hope that having some time with the babies managed to brighten it for her. Not only did Mikey tell her lots of stories, Duck Man fell asleep on Dad. And Grandma Joan got to snuggle the Monkey and make him laugh.
By the time we finally got home, I was wiped. Going to an earlier service made the day seem so much longer, but at least we got some time to ourselves at home.
Monday night the boys went to their Nonni and Pepe's house. Luckily, they were well behaved and slept really well for them. I always feel bad when they have a hard time. But everyone enjoyed their sleepover. And Mommy and Daddy enjoyed a night of uninterrupted sleep.
Yesterday was not the best of days. Well, it was good until the end. I went to MOPS, picked up the boys, went to buy formula, then had to exchange it (the WIC checks have to be used for the regular formula, since that's what they list, but luckily Wal*Mart will exchange regular for soy), got the boys home and fed them, then went on a walk with Auntie Cassie and Lillie. Once we got home from that, my car had to be taken to the mechanic for an oil change, and when Ben got home we had dinner. After that we were able to video chat with my mum for the first time! It was really nice to be able to see her.
Once that was all over, the trouble started. The boys had been napping, but when Micah woke up he was very unhappy. I started his bath, but he had been straining, so I checked his diaper to find he needed a change. Not surprising, since he hadn't pooped yet that day, and they usually go at least once. When I went to change him, he was screaming bloody murder. I laid him down, and it got even worse. For the first (and hopefully only) time, I saw some blood in his stool. I made Ben call the doctor while I changed him, and the poor thing screamed the whole time. He was still trying to go, but it just wasn't working. It was hard as a rock and very difficult for him to pass. I felt so bad, I nearly cried. But after getting a new diaper on, and picking him up, the crying stopped. In fact, once he got into the tub, he was downright cheerful (amazing how babies can bounce back, huh?). Ben was told by the doctor (or nurse, whoever called) that it could be from the change in diet, or even because we had been trying cereal (we gave it an attempt to try and get them to go longer that 2 hours in between feedings. Hasn't worked. Giving up on cereal for now), but that we could give them juice. 1 ounce per month old per day. So right now they can have up to 3 ounces per day. Apple and pear work best, so after putting the boys to bed, Ben went to the store to buy juice. I'll be trying it once they wake up. I hope that it helps (Ducky never pooped yesterday, so I'm nervous about him), because I can not go through that again. My poor little boy.
It's nearly 6, and neither one has woken up yet, though I've been hearing some fidgeting. They went to bed between 8:30 and 9 so I'm not surprised they're still sleeping. We may start putting them to bed later, if it will help them to sleep in. They'll be going to bed late tonight because we're going to try going to Mini Church again. I hope it works out. I really hate not going.
Time to go make coffee.......
Ever'body Like Parf- ... Cake
For those of you who used to follow my old blog, you'll know that I sometimes get a little lax in my blogging. Weeks tend to slip by unnoticed before I sit down to write again. What I can say about the past few weeks, however, is that this is not the case. I have been purposefully avoiding my blog, but not for the reason you might think.
This blog, while titled about my babes, is not for the sole purpose of my children. It's about my life, my thoughts, and whatever I feel like recording at the time. To be true to that purpose, I have to write about the first of this month. It's not going to be easy for me, and I might gloss over a few things, but it has to be done.
As most of you know, Ben's brother committed suicide on his birthday in 2007. It was the year he turned 27, and so is listed in the "27 Club" - a list of musicians who died at the age of 27. His birthday was May 8th, so it was on Mother's Day this year (more on that in my next blog). Even though I never met Jack, I took his loss hard - he was the one person I could call my brother and have it actually be true. I had been waiting to get married with excitement at finally having siblings. But by the time I met Ben, the man who was supposed to be my brother was already gone. I was angry, and had to grieve in my own way. One of the things I was most angry about was that I felt that Jack had stolen from my children. They will have plenty of aunts and uncles through our friends, but they will never have their one true uncle, or any cousins. It was very upsetting for me. I tell you this, so you can understand my state of mind for what happened May 1st.
My friend, Sam, took his own life.
We hadn't been close for quite some time, but years ago, Sam and I called each other sibling. He wasn't the typical super-close-awesome-guy-friend-so-I'll-call-you-my-brother kid. He was half super-close-awesome-guy-friend-so-I'll-call-you-my-brother kid and half I'm-going-to-bug-the-crap-out-of-you-just-like-a-REAL-little-brother kid. Sam and I had our ups and downs, but he was the type of person who no matter what he was going through, would drop everything and be there if you needed him. After his first suicide attempt, he was in the hospital and told to write down a list of people who were allowed to visit him. He wrote two names. One of them was mine. I immediately got in the car and went to see him. And once I got there, he just looked at me and asked, "How are you?" There he was in the hospital, and he was worried about me. Not only me, but some of the other patients. He met a little 9 year old anorexic girl, and convinced her to eat by promising to make her things. Half a donut? He made her a shrinky-dink. Sam spent his time recuperating by helping others. That was Sam. Also known as Sammycake, Sam My Cake, or just Cake.
One of the hardest things for Ben and I was the similarities between Jack and Sam. Both were musicians and artists. Both were addicted to drugs. Both would change their look about every 6 months (or so it would seem). In fact, every color that Jack dyed his hair, Sam had dyed his hair. Both went through the goth/punk eyeliner phase (there were pictures that looked exactly alike). Unfortunately, because Ben had gone through the loss of Jack, he was the perfect one to help me through my grieving for Sam. Everything I said, Ben understood without judgement. And, unfortunately, my loss of Sam made me better understand how Ben felt when he lost his brother. For the both of us, there had been a separation before hand. I had drifted apart from Sam, and not wanted to get closer because of his drug addiction (I couldn't put myself in that kind of relationship when my family was beginning), and Ben had pretty much given up on Jack because of his drug addiction. One major difference was that Sam was sober, and fighting to stay that way. The other is that Ben and I saw Sam two hours before it happened. Jack had been states away from his family.
One thing that is of a comfort to us is that we know we'll get to see them again. I don't believe that people who commit suicide aren't allowed into Heaven. My God would not make that one sin worse than any other. People who lie before being hit by a bus aren't any more likely to be kept from Heaven than those who commit adultery before having a heart attack. Sin is sin, and God looks at the heart. Jack and Sam made professions of faith at one point in their lives. I fully believe I will see them again.
Until then, every time I hear thunder, I'll think of Sam and Jack rockin' out in front of Jesus.
This blog, while titled about my babes, is not for the sole purpose of my children. It's about my life, my thoughts, and whatever I feel like recording at the time. To be true to that purpose, I have to write about the first of this month. It's not going to be easy for me, and I might gloss over a few things, but it has to be done.
As most of you know, Ben's brother committed suicide on his birthday in 2007. It was the year he turned 27, and so is listed in the "27 Club" - a list of musicians who died at the age of 27. His birthday was May 8th, so it was on Mother's Day this year (more on that in my next blog). Even though I never met Jack, I took his loss hard - he was the one person I could call my brother and have it actually be true. I had been waiting to get married with excitement at finally having siblings. But by the time I met Ben, the man who was supposed to be my brother was already gone. I was angry, and had to grieve in my own way. One of the things I was most angry about was that I felt that Jack had stolen from my children. They will have plenty of aunts and uncles through our friends, but they will never have their one true uncle, or any cousins. It was very upsetting for me. I tell you this, so you can understand my state of mind for what happened May 1st.
My friend, Sam, took his own life.
We hadn't been close for quite some time, but years ago, Sam and I called each other sibling. He wasn't the typical super-close-awesome-guy-friend-so-I'll-call-you-my-brother kid. He was half super-close-awesome-guy-friend-so-I'll-call-you-my-brother kid and half I'm-going-to-bug-the-crap-out-of-you-just-like-a-REAL-little-brother kid. Sam and I had our ups and downs, but he was the type of person who no matter what he was going through, would drop everything and be there if you needed him. After his first suicide attempt, he was in the hospital and told to write down a list of people who were allowed to visit him. He wrote two names. One of them was mine. I immediately got in the car and went to see him. And once I got there, he just looked at me and asked, "How are you?" There he was in the hospital, and he was worried about me. Not only me, but some of the other patients. He met a little 9 year old anorexic girl, and convinced her to eat by promising to make her things. Half a donut? He made her a shrinky-dink. Sam spent his time recuperating by helping others. That was Sam. Also known as Sammycake, Sam My Cake, or just Cake.
One of the hardest things for Ben and I was the similarities between Jack and Sam. Both were musicians and artists. Both were addicted to drugs. Both would change their look about every 6 months (or so it would seem). In fact, every color that Jack dyed his hair, Sam had dyed his hair. Both went through the goth/punk eyeliner phase (there were pictures that looked exactly alike). Unfortunately, because Ben had gone through the loss of Jack, he was the perfect one to help me through my grieving for Sam. Everything I said, Ben understood without judgement. And, unfortunately, my loss of Sam made me better understand how Ben felt when he lost his brother. For the both of us, there had been a separation before hand. I had drifted apart from Sam, and not wanted to get closer because of his drug addiction (I couldn't put myself in that kind of relationship when my family was beginning), and Ben had pretty much given up on Jack because of his drug addiction. One major difference was that Sam was sober, and fighting to stay that way. The other is that Ben and I saw Sam two hours before it happened. Jack had been states away from his family.
One thing that is of a comfort to us is that we know we'll get to see them again. I don't believe that people who commit suicide aren't allowed into Heaven. My God would not make that one sin worse than any other. People who lie before being hit by a bus aren't any more likely to be kept from Heaven than those who commit adultery before having a heart attack. Sin is sin, and God looks at the heart. Jack and Sam made professions of faith at one point in their lives. I fully believe I will see them again.
Until then, every time I hear thunder, I'll think of Sam and Jack rockin' out in front of Jesus.
Friday, April 29, 2011
I'll Be There For You
First same day blog. I usually don't update for a least a couple days if not longer, so this is pretty new for me. But I find myself unable to sleep, and once again I have swirling thoughts in my head.
I feel like I have no friends. In fact, I feel like I have all of one person that I could call without the worry that I'm bothering them gnawing in the back of my head. She's the only one I've invited over within the last month, and the only one I've actually been able to make plans with, with any sort of ease. (Love you, Mama Cass!) I have been able to visit with a few other people within the last couple weeks, and I really enjoyed myself. But I'm now looking back and wondering if any kind of real connection was made.
I feel stupid trying to talk about this with Ben, so I haven't bothered bringing it up. I just really don't think he'd be able to understand. He's had the same group of friends since he was, like, 5. And even if he hasn't talked to one of them in three weeks, a single text between them and nothing has changed. He has managed to hold onto friends in a way that makes me, I'll admit it, jealous. Aren't girls supposed to be the ones with the life long friendships that start in preschool? Yet here I am, with not one same close friend as when I first met Ben.
I love going to the Mom's Group. And I can see some potential friendships there. But I walk in every meeting, and sit by myself until someone else starts a conversation. Or I stupidly stand by a group of women, just to look like I'm not alone. It may not seem it, since I'll share just about anything and I'm super talkative, but I am painfully shy. Every time I open my mouth, when someone else hasn't asked me a question first, I feel like a complete and total idiot. I'm just waiting for the other person to look at me like there's a chicken growing out of my head and ask why I'm talking to them.
I talk a good game. I say "I'll definitely give you a call if I need anything!" "Oh, we should so get together sometime." "All I do is sit at home, bored. We'll have to have a play date." "Let's get our families together! I bet the guys would really like each other too!" But I know it's not going to happen. I'm certainly not going to make the first move. Because I'm positive that you have absolutely no interest in me.
There are so many women that I respect and admire and just adore. But everything inside me says it's all one way. They don't care about me. And why should they?
It's happened just too many times. I've made these super close friendships, found these girls who are like sisters to me. And now I have no idea what's going on with them. I've lost them, one way or another. Maybe I'm afraid of getting hurt again, of losing another friend. Or maybe I'm just scarred. The only thing that was the same in all those relationships was me. What is it about me that makes so many people just walk away?
I can't put a number to the times that Ben and I have left Mini Church on Wednesday night, and I have spent the whole ride home feeling like no one cares, completely unwanted, and just plain awkward. When we go, I pretty much keep to myself because I feel like no one wants to hear what I have to say. People ask me questions about the boys and I answer, sometimes I try to add to conversations, but there is this dynamic that has been there for so long ... I feel like an intruder. And it's the same at Mom's Group. All the women have these stories, these memories, their kids love each other. And then there's me. Don't get me wrong, all the women are so welcoming. But I feel like an outsider. Like I don't matter.
So I guess there you have it. If I say I'm going to make plans with you, or I say I'm going to call you, don't expect it to happen. Because before I can pick up the phone, or type out that Facebook message, I have to get over the voice in my head that tells me I'll just be annoying you, the one that says I'm not worth your time. And past experience has shown that it's nearly impossible to get over that voice.
I feel like I have no friends. In fact, I feel like I have all of one person that I could call without the worry that I'm bothering them gnawing in the back of my head. She's the only one I've invited over within the last month, and the only one I've actually been able to make plans with, with any sort of ease. (Love you, Mama Cass!) I have been able to visit with a few other people within the last couple weeks, and I really enjoyed myself. But I'm now looking back and wondering if any kind of real connection was made.
I feel stupid trying to talk about this with Ben, so I haven't bothered bringing it up. I just really don't think he'd be able to understand. He's had the same group of friends since he was, like, 5. And even if he hasn't talked to one of them in three weeks, a single text between them and nothing has changed. He has managed to hold onto friends in a way that makes me, I'll admit it, jealous. Aren't girls supposed to be the ones with the life long friendships that start in preschool? Yet here I am, with not one same close friend as when I first met Ben.
I love going to the Mom's Group. And I can see some potential friendships there. But I walk in every meeting, and sit by myself until someone else starts a conversation. Or I stupidly stand by a group of women, just to look like I'm not alone. It may not seem it, since I'll share just about anything and I'm super talkative, but I am painfully shy. Every time I open my mouth, when someone else hasn't asked me a question first, I feel like a complete and total idiot. I'm just waiting for the other person to look at me like there's a chicken growing out of my head and ask why I'm talking to them.
I talk a good game. I say "I'll definitely give you a call if I need anything!" "Oh, we should so get together sometime." "All I do is sit at home, bored. We'll have to have a play date." "Let's get our families together! I bet the guys would really like each other too!" But I know it's not going to happen. I'm certainly not going to make the first move. Because I'm positive that you have absolutely no interest in me.
There are so many women that I respect and admire and just adore. But everything inside me says it's all one way. They don't care about me. And why should they?
It's happened just too many times. I've made these super close friendships, found these girls who are like sisters to me. And now I have no idea what's going on with them. I've lost them, one way or another. Maybe I'm afraid of getting hurt again, of losing another friend. Or maybe I'm just scarred. The only thing that was the same in all those relationships was me. What is it about me that makes so many people just walk away?
I can't put a number to the times that Ben and I have left Mini Church on Wednesday night, and I have spent the whole ride home feeling like no one cares, completely unwanted, and just plain awkward. When we go, I pretty much keep to myself because I feel like no one wants to hear what I have to say. People ask me questions about the boys and I answer, sometimes I try to add to conversations, but there is this dynamic that has been there for so long ... I feel like an intruder. And it's the same at Mom's Group. All the women have these stories, these memories, their kids love each other. And then there's me. Don't get me wrong, all the women are so welcoming. But I feel like an outsider. Like I don't matter.
So I guess there you have it. If I say I'm going to make plans with you, or I say I'm going to call you, don't expect it to happen. Because before I can pick up the phone, or type out that Facebook message, I have to get over the voice in my head that tells me I'll just be annoying you, the one that says I'm not worth your time. And past experience has shown that it's nearly impossible to get over that voice.
Wash Away The Thoughts Inside That Keep My Mind Away From You
Let me start with the promised recap of our first playdate at the W's. Unfortunately, the boys were complete and total crankypants, and didn't want to let us eat in peace like they did on Easter. It was, however, really nice to see some old friends. I hadn't gotten together with both W's since... gosh, before they were married! And their sweet little babe is over 7 months now! So, yeah, it had been a while. It was Ben's first time hanging out with them, and I would love it if they became a good couples/parents friends of ours. Dinner was wonderful, and the conversation was really natural. Their baby was mildly interested in the boys, as long as Mommy wasn't holding one! And since they only have the one, Mrs. W had a hard time with the whole "brothers" thing. She'll get it when they have another. :) It was a great time, and I hope to get together again some time relatively soon. We've already been invited for a game night at some point. (The only reason I'm not using names is because it could cause some issues for them. Someone we both know has a problem with me, and I'd rather not cause drama for them. I'd like to say they're the only ones who know someone who has issues with me personally. That's not the case. But I'm glad it doesn't stop people from being friends with me.)
I suppose it's time to move on to my main point for this blog. Admittedly, I am a paranoid glass-is-half-empty type. How I wish that were different! I don't like the pessimistic way I view the world, the way my fears worm themselves into my brain and dig their claws in so that there is no way to remove them. Sometimes airing out my thoughts helps to eradicate them (as was the case with my previous blog where I raked myself over the coals. Within 10 minutes of writing, I felt infinitely better), though sometimes rehashing my thoughts only suffices in solidifying them. I never know which way it will turn out, so don't be surprised if you often read some brutally honest things. My blog is not a place to hide things - I'd rather own up to what I think. Even if it means that some people will think less of me.
Lately the thought I've been having is the endless wonder of whether or not I am properly bonding with the boys. I mentioned it to Ben, and his response was incredulousness - that they LOVE me. Yes, they watch my every move, often ignoring Daddy when he holds them to instead look my way. I can get them to smile in ways that no one else can. But my thoughts are not of them bonding to me, but of me bonding to them. It pains me to say this, but sometimes I just don't want them to be so in need of me. (And they're not even at the point where they can follow and hang on me yet!) I find myself getting irritated when they begin crying for my attentions. Mikey especially will cry until I look at him and say something. Then he just starts smiling and laughing. Instead of enjoying that I can make my son stop crying with just a look, I'm so annoyed that he's crying just for attention. I don't have the time to interact as much as he wants, because he's not my only baby. I'm tired of washing bottles and feedings and diaper changings every few hours. Sometimes I just need to step out of the room, and they begin to cry because they are alone. I don't like that they want me around so much. I know it's not separation anxiety yet, but just the fact that they need someone in the room with them all the time (and I'm the only one here most of the time) weighs on me heavily. If I need to take a shower, I pretty much have to wait til they're asleep, wait til Ben gets home, or know that they will be screaming by the time I'm done. I'm sure that part of my irritations and lack of patience has to do with the fact that I am majorly PMS-ing right now. (I've also got a cold) But this isn't something that has started within the last week. I've felt this way for a while.
Don't get me wrong, I love my kids. I would never wish to not have them. But sometimes I miss the freedom of not being a Mommy. I had so much more time to myself even when I was just pregnant. I know babies are needy, but having two little demanders is so tough. I also think that maybe I wouldn't worry about my bonding with them if I had never worked in daycares. I so loved the munchkins I took care of. And right now, I don't see a whole lot of difference in the way I love my own. If I had one, maybe the devotion I could give one-on-one would clearly show the difference. I could never choose just one baby (as in - say I wish we'd just had Monkey, or I wish we'd just had Darry), but having the two of them so reminds me of my days in the infant rooms of the daycares I worked in. Two-on-one does not make for easy days. I know that just one is hard, and so many women have a lot of trouble handling it. But there is a part of me that just does not understand how one baby can be that hard. There are times when I can't help but think how much easier it would be with just one baby. Again, I could never choose between my children. But two in the same stage is beyond anything I could have thought I could handle. (I can't even IMAGINE how moms of triplets do it.)
I hate this about myself. I wish I was one of those women who just loves being a mom - every part of it. After all, this is the job I always wanted. And there is a huge part of me that is so happy with the way things are. I love my husband, I love my kids. I love that I have my own family. But sometimes these thoughts circle in my brain, and the weight of my job bears down in ways I never expected. I'm not just a babysitter, watching two little boys. I'm the one who is responsible for who they will become. I'm the one instilling morals and teaching God's love and acceptance. I'm the one they'll be blaming all their issues on (after all, isn't it always Mom's fault later in life??). No one is a perfect parent. But I just stress so much about making mistakes with them.
Ben is beyond understanding. I really have lucked out with him. He comes home and takes over with the boys, or does dishes or cooks if I'm just so exhausted from the day. Just the other day he came home and cleaned the kitchen while the boys napped and I just watched a TV show on the computer. He totally gets that my days are exhausting and I can't always get to the house upkeep that I want to. I have the very best husband. I am so grateful to God for providing me with His very best. I may not always deserve him, but I so love my husband.
I know that things will change. The boys will grow. There will be new hassles, new stresses, new marvels. It will go from crying for a bottle to crying because they've fallen off the bookcase (I'm pretty positive my two will be climbers from the very start... -_-). I'm sure that one day I will look back on this and laugh about how I thought I wasn't bonding with them. They'll wake up one day and call me Mama, and my heart will be so melted I'll wonder why I ever feared. I love my children. And that love will change and grow as they do. They're my boys, my babies, my heart. Even now, as Monkey babbles away in his swing, I feel the tears well in my eyes. I love them so very much. I still can't believe that they came from me, that they're actually mine. God is so good to me.
All I know is, when I'm in full swing PMS mode, I pretty much become my mother-in-law. I question myself, I cry at a song or just they way my little men are smiling at me. If you know my mother-in-law at all, you will understand what I'm saying. And you will know that I am in no way putting her down or upset at the parallels. Ben and I often talk about how similar we are. And he and I are both ok with that. :) She's a great lady.
I can only hope that one day my sons will find a girl they love, and be ok with the ways she's similar to me.
I suppose it's time to move on to my main point for this blog. Admittedly, I am a paranoid glass-is-half-empty type. How I wish that were different! I don't like the pessimistic way I view the world, the way my fears worm themselves into my brain and dig their claws in so that there is no way to remove them. Sometimes airing out my thoughts helps to eradicate them (as was the case with my previous blog where I raked myself over the coals. Within 10 minutes of writing, I felt infinitely better), though sometimes rehashing my thoughts only suffices in solidifying them. I never know which way it will turn out, so don't be surprised if you often read some brutally honest things. My blog is not a place to hide things - I'd rather own up to what I think. Even if it means that some people will think less of me.
Lately the thought I've been having is the endless wonder of whether or not I am properly bonding with the boys. I mentioned it to Ben, and his response was incredulousness - that they LOVE me. Yes, they watch my every move, often ignoring Daddy when he holds them to instead look my way. I can get them to smile in ways that no one else can. But my thoughts are not of them bonding to me, but of me bonding to them. It pains me to say this, but sometimes I just don't want them to be so in need of me. (And they're not even at the point where they can follow and hang on me yet!) I find myself getting irritated when they begin crying for my attentions. Mikey especially will cry until I look at him and say something. Then he just starts smiling and laughing. Instead of enjoying that I can make my son stop crying with just a look, I'm so annoyed that he's crying just for attention. I don't have the time to interact as much as he wants, because he's not my only baby. I'm tired of washing bottles and feedings and diaper changings every few hours. Sometimes I just need to step out of the room, and they begin to cry because they are alone. I don't like that they want me around so much. I know it's not separation anxiety yet, but just the fact that they need someone in the room with them all the time (and I'm the only one here most of the time) weighs on me heavily. If I need to take a shower, I pretty much have to wait til they're asleep, wait til Ben gets home, or know that they will be screaming by the time I'm done. I'm sure that part of my irritations and lack of patience has to do with the fact that I am majorly PMS-ing right now. (I've also got a cold) But this isn't something that has started within the last week. I've felt this way for a while.
Don't get me wrong, I love my kids. I would never wish to not have them. But sometimes I miss the freedom of not being a Mommy. I had so much more time to myself even when I was just pregnant. I know babies are needy, but having two little demanders is so tough. I also think that maybe I wouldn't worry about my bonding with them if I had never worked in daycares. I so loved the munchkins I took care of. And right now, I don't see a whole lot of difference in the way I love my own. If I had one, maybe the devotion I could give one-on-one would clearly show the difference. I could never choose just one baby (as in - say I wish we'd just had Monkey, or I wish we'd just had Darry), but having the two of them so reminds me of my days in the infant rooms of the daycares I worked in. Two-on-one does not make for easy days. I know that just one is hard, and so many women have a lot of trouble handling it. But there is a part of me that just does not understand how one baby can be that hard. There are times when I can't help but think how much easier it would be with just one baby. Again, I could never choose between my children. But two in the same stage is beyond anything I could have thought I could handle. (I can't even IMAGINE how moms of triplets do it.)
I hate this about myself. I wish I was one of those women who just loves being a mom - every part of it. After all, this is the job I always wanted. And there is a huge part of me that is so happy with the way things are. I love my husband, I love my kids. I love that I have my own family. But sometimes these thoughts circle in my brain, and the weight of my job bears down in ways I never expected. I'm not just a babysitter, watching two little boys. I'm the one who is responsible for who they will become. I'm the one instilling morals and teaching God's love and acceptance. I'm the one they'll be blaming all their issues on (after all, isn't it always Mom's fault later in life??). No one is a perfect parent. But I just stress so much about making mistakes with them.
Ben is beyond understanding. I really have lucked out with him. He comes home and takes over with the boys, or does dishes or cooks if I'm just so exhausted from the day. Just the other day he came home and cleaned the kitchen while the boys napped and I just watched a TV show on the computer. He totally gets that my days are exhausting and I can't always get to the house upkeep that I want to. I have the very best husband. I am so grateful to God for providing me with His very best. I may not always deserve him, but I so love my husband.
I know that things will change. The boys will grow. There will be new hassles, new stresses, new marvels. It will go from crying for a bottle to crying because they've fallen off the bookcase (I'm pretty positive my two will be climbers from the very start... -_-). I'm sure that one day I will look back on this and laugh about how I thought I wasn't bonding with them. They'll wake up one day and call me Mama, and my heart will be so melted I'll wonder why I ever feared. I love my children. And that love will change and grow as they do. They're my boys, my babies, my heart. Even now, as Monkey babbles away in his swing, I feel the tears well in my eyes. I love them so very much. I still can't believe that they came from me, that they're actually mine. God is so good to me.
All I know is, when I'm in full swing PMS mode, I pretty much become my mother-in-law. I question myself, I cry at a song or just they way my little men are smiling at me. If you know my mother-in-law at all, you will understand what I'm saying. And you will know that I am in no way putting her down or upset at the parallels. Ben and I often talk about how similar we are. And he and I are both ok with that. :) She's a great lady.
I can only hope that one day my sons will find a girl they love, and be ok with the ways she's similar to me.
Monday, April 25, 2011
Alive, Alive, Alive Hallelujah
Welp, yesterday was Easter. They boys' first one! Of course, we had to dress them in matching outfits. ^_^ Unlike some twin parents, Ben and I don't like dressing the boys the same all the time - just on holidays/special occasions. I had wanted to get them those super cute vest/dress shirt combos, but I couldn't find any when I went to Wal*Mart last weekend (except in the older boy section. Grrr.) so we just picked up polo onesies and blue pants. I know I could have gotten them at Babies R Us (since I had seen them there the last time I'd been there) but I just couldn't justify spending $20+ an outfit when I was able to get both for $12 at Wally's. Sorry, but when you've got two little ones and one income, you need to be a little careful with money.
We have yet to put the boys in the nursery when we go to church. The first week we decided to do it, we had to skip church because I was waiting on the pediatrician to get back to me (I wasn't sure if I'd have to bring Darry in and didn't want to get ready for church if we weren't going to be able to go) and by the time the doc called back, it was too late to go. Last week Ben stayed home because he was sick, and so I'd asked his mom to help me bring them. I didn't want to put them in the nursery without Ben (I don't know why. I'm weird. :P). And then yesterday was Easter, so we didn't want that to be their first week in the nursery. Hopefully next week will work out. I like having the boys in the nursery so that they can get some socialization (and be used to being taken care of by someone else). They already spend time in there on MOPS days, so hopefully the transition on Sundays will be an easy one.
After church (and being stopped by many many people who had to fawn), we went to Donna's family's house. Auntie Maria made a wonderful Italian Easter dinner (seriously, you could get full just on the appetizers. Then there's the pasta course, and then the normal Easter dinner foods.) The boys were pretty well behaved. They got mad once we got off the highway on our way, since there wasn't as much motion lulling them to sleep and they were hungry. But once we were there, they were well-behaved. They even took a nap during dinner (which made it so much easier to eat in peace!) I can't believe how many pictures we took. Since we don't typically dress them alike, I tend to take a lot of pictures when they're so adorably similar.
Once we left, we made an appearance at Ben's parents' house. Grandma Y. was coming over so we stayed until she got there. She hasn't gotten to see much of them yet, since she lives in FL, but hopefully she'll be able to see them a lot while she's here for the summer. We weren't able to stay very long since Mikey started crying for a bottle and it was too close to bathtime to feed him (our nightly routine is bath at 6:30 - whoever is fussier gets the first bath - then bottle and then bed. Typically they get into bed around 8). So we just headed home and gave the boys and early bath. They were both in bed by 7:15, so we actually had some time to ourselves before we needed to go to bed. (Once the boys are in bed, we usually just get ready and go to bed ourselves - typically by 8:30) It was a nice end to a busy holiday. I love the few moments I get alone with Ben. It reminds me that I'm not just a Mommy. It's during that time that I get to be a wife again. It's such a recharge of my batteries. Man. I love my husband. <3
I suppose I should have written about our first playdate at the W's on Saturday before writing the Easter blog, but Easter was more on my mind. I suppose I'll just include it in the next blog. Unless I forget. I'd write in now but Monkey's already up with me in the living room, and Ducky is waking. Time to go be a Mommy. ^_^
We have yet to put the boys in the nursery when we go to church. The first week we decided to do it, we had to skip church because I was waiting on the pediatrician to get back to me (I wasn't sure if I'd have to bring Darry in and didn't want to get ready for church if we weren't going to be able to go) and by the time the doc called back, it was too late to go. Last week Ben stayed home because he was sick, and so I'd asked his mom to help me bring them. I didn't want to put them in the nursery without Ben (I don't know why. I'm weird. :P). And then yesterday was Easter, so we didn't want that to be their first week in the nursery. Hopefully next week will work out. I like having the boys in the nursery so that they can get some socialization (and be used to being taken care of by someone else). They already spend time in there on MOPS days, so hopefully the transition on Sundays will be an easy one.
After church (and being stopped by many many people who had to fawn), we went to Donna's family's house. Auntie Maria made a wonderful Italian Easter dinner (seriously, you could get full just on the appetizers. Then there's the pasta course, and then the normal Easter dinner foods.) The boys were pretty well behaved. They got mad once we got off the highway on our way, since there wasn't as much motion lulling them to sleep and they were hungry. But once we were there, they were well-behaved. They even took a nap during dinner (which made it so much easier to eat in peace!) I can't believe how many pictures we took. Since we don't typically dress them alike, I tend to take a lot of pictures when they're so adorably similar.
Once we left, we made an appearance at Ben's parents' house. Grandma Y. was coming over so we stayed until she got there. She hasn't gotten to see much of them yet, since she lives in FL, but hopefully she'll be able to see them a lot while she's here for the summer. We weren't able to stay very long since Mikey started crying for a bottle and it was too close to bathtime to feed him (our nightly routine is bath at 6:30 - whoever is fussier gets the first bath - then bottle and then bed. Typically they get into bed around 8). So we just headed home and gave the boys and early bath. They were both in bed by 7:15, so we actually had some time to ourselves before we needed to go to bed. (Once the boys are in bed, we usually just get ready and go to bed ourselves - typically by 8:30) It was a nice end to a busy holiday. I love the few moments I get alone with Ben. It reminds me that I'm not just a Mommy. It's during that time that I get to be a wife again. It's such a recharge of my batteries. Man. I love my husband. <3
I suppose I should have written about our first playdate at the W's on Saturday before writing the Easter blog, but Easter was more on my mind. I suppose I'll just include it in the next blog. Unless I forget. I'd write in now but Monkey's already up with me in the living room, and Ducky is waking. Time to go be a Mommy. ^_^
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Did You Know That Dolphins Are Just Gay Sharks?
What a fun day it's been so far! Well ... half of that is sarcastic. This morning I'm pretty sure I broke my toe. Not exactly what I would call fun. I thought it would hurt a lot more, but if I don't move it it doesn't really hurt much. I was walking past our lantern and stubbed my toe on it. Afterward, I wiggled it back and forth and could feel it clicking... which my other toe doesn't do... And then it swelled up and got all bruise colored. So, I think it's broken, but I'm not doing anything about it. The doctors can't really do anything for a broken toe, so why bother going to get it checked?
Anyways, today I went down to Sarah's house. She was having an Easter egg hunt in her yard for the kids (and my Lord, she has a HUGE yard!) but she said I was welcome to come even though the boys aren't ready for Easter egg hunts yet. So we went. It was so nice getting together with some of the moms from MOPS. Roxanne and Jennifer were there too, with their two munchkins (each). Honestly, I feel like talking to other moms makes me relax about what I'm doing with the boys. The reassurance I get from them means more than from my parents or even Ben. They know what I'm going through, and I get some of the best advice. One thing that Roxanne does is when she gets frustrated with one of her boys she just puts on this teeth-gritting grin and says "Ohhh, I love you. I love you so much." It's a little funny to watch, but I can so understand what would prompt something like that. I told her I may be stealing her catch phrase. Yes, it sounds a little sarcastic to say it when you're beyond frustrated, but I take it as a personal reminder. "Kid, you are driving me up the freaking wall, making me want to drop you off at a safe haven, but wait ... I do love you. Maybe I don't feel it so much right now, but I love you, kiddo." I know I could use a reminder, sarcastic or not, when I'm getting frustrated with the munchkins.
Sometimes I'm surprised by how honest I am with the other moms. The fears I have about how I'm doing that bubble below the surface, the things that I think people would view as absolutely horrible, I find them tumbling out of my mouth. And typically one of the other moms will say "Oh, me too." It's such a relief! The knowledge that I'm not alone with how I feel, that what I'm going through is normal... it takes a huge weight off my shoulders. I find that every time I leave one of the MOPS meetings or even this little playdate today, I feel so much better. My spirit so needs the salve of these gatherings. I guess I never realized just how much mom friendships would mean to me. I think I thought I'd be ok just doing it on my own. But having these other women to talk to has maintained my sanity.
Just today I confessed that I worry if I'm properly bonding with the boys. Sometimes they just seem like a weight on my shoulders. Others I just want to squish them and kiss their chubby cheeks. Having worked in two daycares, I find myself treating it like I'm back at work - just get them through this fussy patch, just put them in their bouncers and rock them, just get them to sleep so I can have a few minutes to myself. Maybe it wouldn't be like this if I had just one to devote myself to, but sometimes it feels more like I'm babysitting. I don't know. It's not often, and I love my kids beyond measure. It's just so tiring. I feel like "If I really loved my kids, I'd want to hold them all the time." But most of the day they're in their bounceys or swings or having tummy time. I only pick them up if they're crying or eating. I suppose there's all different kinds of ways to be a mom. Maybe I'm just more of a "hands off" Mama. I just don't know what to do with them right now. They aren't ticklish, can't grab onto toys ... I can't really play with them yet. They're finally at the stage where they just smile and laugh when you talk to them. (Man, I love those little laughs!) I love how little and snuggly they are. But I sometimes find myself looking forward to when they are just a little more interactive. I want to be able to play with them.
Of course, I really want to just enjoy whatever stage they're in. I've always been impatient, though. I'm trying to change that. I don't want to look forward to the next stage so much that I miss out on all the great things going on now.
I love my boys. I think I just haven't gotten used to the fact that they're mine yet. It took me about 6 months before I finally got to the point where it felt normal to be married. It's going to take some time before I feel settled as Mommy. I just have to stare at them sometimes and remind myself "... Hey ... I made you." It's just still so weird... Hasn't cemented in my head yet. Maybe I'll feel more bonded to them once I'm used to being Mommy.
Yesterday morning I had the scare of my life. I thought Darius was dead... He slept for 12 hours. I had to check to make sure he was still breathing. Neither of them had ever slept that long before! My mind went crazy, imagining how I'd have to call Ben, call 911 because there's no way I could drive them to the hospital, how I'd manage telling people. Such a cruel imagination I have...
Speaking of odd sleeping habits... Micah has now slept for 2+ hours. They typically take cat naps - 20 or 30 minutes. But he's just out. And Darius is on half an hour. I just have to wonder how long it's going to last...
They're going to their Pepe and Nonni's tonight. I'm so excited - especially since Ben has tomorrow off. They went over there Monday night too, but Ben had to work Tuesday. At least this time we'll get to sleep in together. <3 AND, depending on how Ben's mom feels, she may be staying over Friday night and watching them for us. If so, all I can say is WOW. Three baby free nights? Yes, please! Haha. We've never had three baby free nights in one week.
I'm so very blessed. Not only do I have the best husband to be Daddy to my kids, I have the most supportive and loving Grandparents for my children too. I've spent my whole life looking forward to having my own family. And now I have the most amazing family anyone could ever ask for. <3<3<3
Anyways, today I went down to Sarah's house. She was having an Easter egg hunt in her yard for the kids (and my Lord, she has a HUGE yard!) but she said I was welcome to come even though the boys aren't ready for Easter egg hunts yet. So we went. It was so nice getting together with some of the moms from MOPS. Roxanne and Jennifer were there too, with their two munchkins (each). Honestly, I feel like talking to other moms makes me relax about what I'm doing with the boys. The reassurance I get from them means more than from my parents or even Ben. They know what I'm going through, and I get some of the best advice. One thing that Roxanne does is when she gets frustrated with one of her boys she just puts on this teeth-gritting grin and says "Ohhh, I love you. I love you so much." It's a little funny to watch, but I can so understand what would prompt something like that. I told her I may be stealing her catch phrase. Yes, it sounds a little sarcastic to say it when you're beyond frustrated, but I take it as a personal reminder. "Kid, you are driving me up the freaking wall, making me want to drop you off at a safe haven, but wait ... I do love you. Maybe I don't feel it so much right now, but I love you, kiddo." I know I could use a reminder, sarcastic or not, when I'm getting frustrated with the munchkins.
Sometimes I'm surprised by how honest I am with the other moms. The fears I have about how I'm doing that bubble below the surface, the things that I think people would view as absolutely horrible, I find them tumbling out of my mouth. And typically one of the other moms will say "Oh, me too." It's such a relief! The knowledge that I'm not alone with how I feel, that what I'm going through is normal... it takes a huge weight off my shoulders. I find that every time I leave one of the MOPS meetings or even this little playdate today, I feel so much better. My spirit so needs the salve of these gatherings. I guess I never realized just how much mom friendships would mean to me. I think I thought I'd be ok just doing it on my own. But having these other women to talk to has maintained my sanity.
Just today I confessed that I worry if I'm properly bonding with the boys. Sometimes they just seem like a weight on my shoulders. Others I just want to squish them and kiss their chubby cheeks. Having worked in two daycares, I find myself treating it like I'm back at work - just get them through this fussy patch, just put them in their bouncers and rock them, just get them to sleep so I can have a few minutes to myself. Maybe it wouldn't be like this if I had just one to devote myself to, but sometimes it feels more like I'm babysitting. I don't know. It's not often, and I love my kids beyond measure. It's just so tiring. I feel like "If I really loved my kids, I'd want to hold them all the time." But most of the day they're in their bounceys or swings or having tummy time. I only pick them up if they're crying or eating. I suppose there's all different kinds of ways to be a mom. Maybe I'm just more of a "hands off" Mama. I just don't know what to do with them right now. They aren't ticklish, can't grab onto toys ... I can't really play with them yet. They're finally at the stage where they just smile and laugh when you talk to them. (Man, I love those little laughs!) I love how little and snuggly they are. But I sometimes find myself looking forward to when they are just a little more interactive. I want to be able to play with them.
Of course, I really want to just enjoy whatever stage they're in. I've always been impatient, though. I'm trying to change that. I don't want to look forward to the next stage so much that I miss out on all the great things going on now.
I love my boys. I think I just haven't gotten used to the fact that they're mine yet. It took me about 6 months before I finally got to the point where it felt normal to be married. It's going to take some time before I feel settled as Mommy. I just have to stare at them sometimes and remind myself "... Hey ... I made you." It's just still so weird... Hasn't cemented in my head yet. Maybe I'll feel more bonded to them once I'm used to being Mommy.
Yesterday morning I had the scare of my life. I thought Darius was dead... He slept for 12 hours. I had to check to make sure he was still breathing. Neither of them had ever slept that long before! My mind went crazy, imagining how I'd have to call Ben, call 911 because there's no way I could drive them to the hospital, how I'd manage telling people. Such a cruel imagination I have...
Speaking of odd sleeping habits... Micah has now slept for 2+ hours. They typically take cat naps - 20 or 30 minutes. But he's just out. And Darius is on half an hour. I just have to wonder how long it's going to last...
They're going to their Pepe and Nonni's tonight. I'm so excited - especially since Ben has tomorrow off. They went over there Monday night too, but Ben had to work Tuesday. At least this time we'll get to sleep in together. <3 AND, depending on how Ben's mom feels, she may be staying over Friday night and watching them for us. If so, all I can say is WOW. Three baby free nights? Yes, please! Haha. We've never had three baby free nights in one week.
I'm so very blessed. Not only do I have the best husband to be Daddy to my kids, I have the most supportive and loving Grandparents for my children too. I've spent my whole life looking forward to having my own family. And now I have the most amazing family anyone could ever ask for. <3<3<3
Saturday, April 16, 2011
Because Unlike Other Robin Hoods Before Me, I Can Speak With An English Accent
It was definitely a "I'm having a crappy day, I need to vent" moment that inspired my last blog. I just needed to air out some worries, to bring some perspective into my mind. Mum reminded me of a gentleman she sat next to on the plane on her way home from visiting with us. Not only did he live in her area, work in a building that she used to work in, and was returning from visiting family three towns away from us, but he was a twin! He asked who was helping me with the babies. Mum replied that Ben did all he could while he was home, my dad and step-mom helped when they could, as did my mother-in-law, but during the day I had them on my own. Apparently this man began sputtering, and repeatedly asking if I was really all by myself with them (they were about one month old at that point). Mum told him that I was a stay-at-home mom, and yes, I had them alone most of the time. He was shocked. Apparently, his mother - when he and his brother were young - had an army of people helping her until they were about 6 months old. She was never alone, and relied on all these other people for assistance. That story really helped ease my mind. Ok, maybe I have a hard time sometimes, maybe I lose my patience or get frustrated, but I have two newborns that need my attention. There are moms who go through the same thing when they have just one at home. A little change of perspective for me. I'll have more bad days, I'm sure. But for now my heart is soothed.
I'm mildly bummed. We were supposed to go to our friends' house this afternoon, so that we could have some adult time and a game night and the boys could have a playdate with their daughter. But since the boys still have a cold they asked that we reschedule. I totally get it. I wouldn't want to risk getting the boys sick if they had been supposed to visit someone and their kid had a cold. Still, I'm a little bummed. Hopefully they'll be better so that next Saturday we can go over.
Ben's sort of made up for it, though. He stayed home from work today! He only works a few hours of overtime on Saturdays, but I hate when he goes in. I'm so jealous of his time - always have been. When it's finally the weekend, I just want to have him home with me. I want to be able to see him and spend time together. Those few hours at work I just don't like. But I guess he woke up too tired or something, because he decided to skip on overtime and just stay home with me. ^_^ We're planning on going shopping today. It'll be nice to take the boys out as a family.
Yesterday I surprised Ben at work by bringing the boys by on his lunch break. He got to cart them around the shop, show us where he worked, and show off his babies to his work friends. He was thrilled. I'll wait a while before I do it again. I'd like the boys to grow up with fun little trips to surprise Daddy. I can't wait for the day that they ask me if we can go see him. Unfortunately, because I hadn't told him we were coming so he could tell others not to leave on lunch, he got in a little bit of trouble with some of his workmates. I'll have to plan my next visit with him knowing so he can let everyone who wants to meet the lil men know we're coming. I'm sure it will create quite the buzz, lol.
Once we got back home, I prepped a couple bottles, and my step-mom called. She was wondering if we were up for surprising my Grandma in the nursing home. So they ate, got packed up, and we carted them down to visit my grandmother, who had yet to meet them. When we got there, Donna woke her up and said she had a surprise for her. Actually, she had two surprises. My grandmother's face just lit up and she let out this "Oooooo!" I have never in my life heard her make a noise like that! She held them and kissed them and just got to snuggle. Once everyone else heard about the boys being there, my grandmother had a few extra visitors, haha! Donna took Darius out and showed him around while I visited and Grandma held Micah. Our visit was shortened when Ducky decided he wasn't happy anymore and just wanted to go to bed. But at least she finally got to see them. I guess she had been talking about them to anyone who would listen. I feel bad that it took so long, but first they weren't going anywhere, then they were too little to visit because there was too much sickness in that place, then Grandma herself got sick. I know we'll go again. Hopefully we'll be able to stay longer next time.
I feel so content right now. I love my life. Yes, it's hard. Yes, it is far more than I ever expected. It takes so much out of me. But I'm still getting in the swing of things. I'll get used to a stage, and then the boys will progress into the next and I'll have to start all over. But I get to watch these beautiful little boys grow. I get to see their smiles and hear their laughs. I get to be splashed when they're just so happy in the tub. I get to help them learn and discover. I get to hear their cries stop when I walk in the room (something they just started and makes me feel so good). These little miracles fill my heart. I have the most important job in the world - I'm training two little boys to become strong, healthy, smart, open-hearted young men. I love these boys. I love my husband. I love being a mommy. Things get hard, and will get harder, and I'll have my bad days. But I'm living the life I always wanted. God has blessed me beyond measure.
I'm mildly bummed. We were supposed to go to our friends' house this afternoon, so that we could have some adult time and a game night and the boys could have a playdate with their daughter. But since the boys still have a cold they asked that we reschedule. I totally get it. I wouldn't want to risk getting the boys sick if they had been supposed to visit someone and their kid had a cold. Still, I'm a little bummed. Hopefully they'll be better so that next Saturday we can go over.
Ben's sort of made up for it, though. He stayed home from work today! He only works a few hours of overtime on Saturdays, but I hate when he goes in. I'm so jealous of his time - always have been. When it's finally the weekend, I just want to have him home with me. I want to be able to see him and spend time together. Those few hours at work I just don't like. But I guess he woke up too tired or something, because he decided to skip on overtime and just stay home with me. ^_^ We're planning on going shopping today. It'll be nice to take the boys out as a family.
Yesterday I surprised Ben at work by bringing the boys by on his lunch break. He got to cart them around the shop, show us where he worked, and show off his babies to his work friends. He was thrilled. I'll wait a while before I do it again. I'd like the boys to grow up with fun little trips to surprise Daddy. I can't wait for the day that they ask me if we can go see him. Unfortunately, because I hadn't told him we were coming so he could tell others not to leave on lunch, he got in a little bit of trouble with some of his workmates. I'll have to plan my next visit with him knowing so he can let everyone who wants to meet the lil men know we're coming. I'm sure it will create quite the buzz, lol.
Once we got back home, I prepped a couple bottles, and my step-mom called. She was wondering if we were up for surprising my Grandma in the nursing home. So they ate, got packed up, and we carted them down to visit my grandmother, who had yet to meet them. When we got there, Donna woke her up and said she had a surprise for her. Actually, she had two surprises. My grandmother's face just lit up and she let out this "Oooooo!" I have never in my life heard her make a noise like that! She held them and kissed them and just got to snuggle. Once everyone else heard about the boys being there, my grandmother had a few extra visitors, haha! Donna took Darius out and showed him around while I visited and Grandma held Micah. Our visit was shortened when Ducky decided he wasn't happy anymore and just wanted to go to bed. But at least she finally got to see them. I guess she had been talking about them to anyone who would listen. I feel bad that it took so long, but first they weren't going anywhere, then they were too little to visit because there was too much sickness in that place, then Grandma herself got sick. I know we'll go again. Hopefully we'll be able to stay longer next time.
I feel so content right now. I love my life. Yes, it's hard. Yes, it is far more than I ever expected. It takes so much out of me. But I'm still getting in the swing of things. I'll get used to a stage, and then the boys will progress into the next and I'll have to start all over. But I get to watch these beautiful little boys grow. I get to see their smiles and hear their laughs. I get to be splashed when they're just so happy in the tub. I get to help them learn and discover. I get to hear their cries stop when I walk in the room (something they just started and makes me feel so good). These little miracles fill my heart. I have the most important job in the world - I'm training two little boys to become strong, healthy, smart, open-hearted young men. I love these boys. I love my husband. I love being a mommy. Things get hard, and will get harder, and I'll have my bad days. But I'm living the life I always wanted. God has blessed me beyond measure.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Going Down In Flames
I have so many people tell me that I'm a good mom. That I'm doing so well, that the babies are flourishing, that they can't believe how well I'm handling things. I just feel that they're wrong. My mum, my mother-in-law, my step-mom, the in-home visitor from the hospital, my friends ... they're all just wrong. They see how great everything is. All is see is what's wrong.
I see a dirty house, a constant state of dishes needing to be done in the sink, mountains of laundry, clutter building exponentially, two little boys who don't get held enough, read to enough, shown black and white pictures to stimulate their brains enough, who desperately need love and attention and cuddles but have a mom who doesn't have enough arms and time to give it to them. I see a husband who comes home to a mess, and a wife who is so tired of baby care that he gets his children thrown at him so she can escape to the kitchen to try to prepare him a good meal. I see a man who works so hard for his family, but doesn't get a break when he gets home because his wife hasn't done dishes and needs him to do them, or just a wife who is so at her wits end that he has to now juggle two babies on his own so she can have five minutes of escape. I see a woman who is failing. Failing in the job she has dreamed of since she was a teenager - the one thing she always wanted - to be a stay-at-home wife and mother.
If this were a regular job, I'd have been fired by now.
I want - need - so desperately to be a good mother, to be proud of my home, to have Ben be proud that I am his wife. And I'm failing. When people tell me that I'm doing well, that I'm a good mom, I just want to scream at them that they're wrong. "Don't you see my house? Don't you see the mess? If you put a camera in my living room and watched me all day, there is no way you would say this!! You'd criticize me! You'd snatch my babies and snuggle them and whisper that you're sorry that I'm their mom. You'd praise Ben for putting up with me. Why can't you see that I'm a failure?!"
I can't keep up. I'm drowning in my shortcomings. I'm embarrassed when people see my house. I'm terrified that my kids will look back and pray they don't end up with a woman like their mom. I'm afraid that one day Ben will wake up and think, "Where did my life turn wrong?"
Maybe I'm just over-emotional because I'm in the midst of my period (yeah, TMI, I don't care.) Maybe I'm experiencing the first clutches of Post-Partum Depression. Maybe I'm wired to only see the bad in myself - it's always been that way. I can't see what I do right. Maybe I'm just having a bad day and need to vent everything out to save my sanity.
Or maybe I'm right.
Dear God in Heaven, please don't let me be right. I can't fail at this job. I can't fail these precious little boys. They need me to be the best mom I can. God, give me the strength and the ability to be that for them. Give me the power to be the wife that Ben deserves. I need You. I need Your strength. You've got to get me through. I can't do it on my own.
I can't let my family down.
I see a dirty house, a constant state of dishes needing to be done in the sink, mountains of laundry, clutter building exponentially, two little boys who don't get held enough, read to enough, shown black and white pictures to stimulate their brains enough, who desperately need love and attention and cuddles but have a mom who doesn't have enough arms and time to give it to them. I see a husband who comes home to a mess, and a wife who is so tired of baby care that he gets his children thrown at him so she can escape to the kitchen to try to prepare him a good meal. I see a man who works so hard for his family, but doesn't get a break when he gets home because his wife hasn't done dishes and needs him to do them, or just a wife who is so at her wits end that he has to now juggle two babies on his own so she can have five minutes of escape. I see a woman who is failing. Failing in the job she has dreamed of since she was a teenager - the one thing she always wanted - to be a stay-at-home wife and mother.
If this were a regular job, I'd have been fired by now.
I want - need - so desperately to be a good mother, to be proud of my home, to have Ben be proud that I am his wife. And I'm failing. When people tell me that I'm doing well, that I'm a good mom, I just want to scream at them that they're wrong. "Don't you see my house? Don't you see the mess? If you put a camera in my living room and watched me all day, there is no way you would say this!! You'd criticize me! You'd snatch my babies and snuggle them and whisper that you're sorry that I'm their mom. You'd praise Ben for putting up with me. Why can't you see that I'm a failure?!"
I can't keep up. I'm drowning in my shortcomings. I'm embarrassed when people see my house. I'm terrified that my kids will look back and pray they don't end up with a woman like their mom. I'm afraid that one day Ben will wake up and think, "Where did my life turn wrong?"
Maybe I'm just over-emotional because I'm in the midst of my period (yeah, TMI, I don't care.) Maybe I'm experiencing the first clutches of Post-Partum Depression. Maybe I'm wired to only see the bad in myself - it's always been that way. I can't see what I do right. Maybe I'm just having a bad day and need to vent everything out to save my sanity.
Or maybe I'm right.
Dear God in Heaven, please don't let me be right. I can't fail at this job. I can't fail these precious little boys. They need me to be the best mom I can. God, give me the strength and the ability to be that for them. Give me the power to be the wife that Ben deserves. I need You. I need Your strength. You've got to get me through. I can't do it on my own.
I can't let my family down.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Paging Dr. Acula
First experience with sick babes! Not something I was looking forward to, but as Ben kept saying, they have to get sick sometime. :( Doesn't mean I have to like it! Poor munchkins. Luckily it's not anything too bad. They just have a cold/virus. It started with Darry on Friday. A very croupy sounding cough. By Sunday, I called the Pediatrician to make sure that he didn't need to be seen immediately. After keeping an eye on him for Sunday, I took him in yesterday morning. Luckily it hadn't gotten into his ears or lungs - just nose congestion. This morning he's sounding SO much better, but Mikey is catching up on the congestion. Hopefully I won't have two miserable babies on my hands!! Darius has stayed pretty cheerful throughout. Micah is the grumpy man, though. I'll see how he deals with his first cold.
My mum came up this weekend to see the boys. Unfortunately she caught the stomach bug that had been going around and missed her Monday morning flight. She's back home now, and hopefully feeling much better! Saturday she took Ben and I to Olive Garden (hadn't been there since we went with Jon and Maria - when she was still pregnant! Elijah is 10/11 months now!!) after she and I had the boys out shopping pretty much all day Saturday. Sunday was a home day - just cleaning/laundry/baby care. She got sick in the afternoon, and was able to sleep pretty much all day Monday. Just hoping Ben or I don't wind up a third round of stomach bug after her stay! It was just awful.
Today was supposed to be a Mom's Group day, but with the boys being sick I didn't want to run the risk of getting any of the other babies sick, so I just kept them home. I'm bummed, but it's not like this was my last chance to go. I've got another 5 years to look forward to! At least we're still able to go to Cassie's later for lunch and a movie. Adults having a cold don't get quite so miserable as little ones do. Plus, Auntie Cassie works at a school. I think her immune system is pretty used to exposure to colds, lol. The one minor worry I have is Lillie - her dog. Lillie's never been around babies, but Cassie said that if she gets bad, she'll lock her in another room. I hope Lillie doesn't mind babies! She's going to have to get used to them sooner or later. ;)
Sunday into Monday I got a grand total of 2 1/2 hours of sleep. I just wasn't tired in the slightest, and luckily I didn't start getting tired until the evening on Monday. Sleep last night was great though! And when Duck man (Darius) woke up at 3, Ben graciously got up with him. He knew I hadn't gotten much sleep on Monday, so he wanted me to catch up. Such a wonderful hubby I have!! Monkey (Micah) woke up at 4, and I got up with him. Both boys ate quickly and went right back to sleep though. And they didn't get up until 8:45! They really are rock star sleepers. We're so lucky. I just hope that they manage to stay through-the-night sleepers. I hear it goes away sometimes...
Well, Monkey is grumping in his bouncey, and Mama needs a shower. Guess that means this blog is done.
My mum came up this weekend to see the boys. Unfortunately she caught the stomach bug that had been going around and missed her Monday morning flight. She's back home now, and hopefully feeling much better! Saturday she took Ben and I to Olive Garden (hadn't been there since we went with Jon and Maria - when she was still pregnant! Elijah is 10/11 months now!!) after she and I had the boys out shopping pretty much all day Saturday. Sunday was a home day - just cleaning/laundry/baby care. She got sick in the afternoon, and was able to sleep pretty much all day Monday. Just hoping Ben or I don't wind up a third round of stomach bug after her stay! It was just awful.
Today was supposed to be a Mom's Group day, but with the boys being sick I didn't want to run the risk of getting any of the other babies sick, so I just kept them home. I'm bummed, but it's not like this was my last chance to go. I've got another 5 years to look forward to! At least we're still able to go to Cassie's later for lunch and a movie. Adults having a cold don't get quite so miserable as little ones do. Plus, Auntie Cassie works at a school. I think her immune system is pretty used to exposure to colds, lol. The one minor worry I have is Lillie - her dog. Lillie's never been around babies, but Cassie said that if she gets bad, she'll lock her in another room. I hope Lillie doesn't mind babies! She's going to have to get used to them sooner or later. ;)
Sunday into Monday I got a grand total of 2 1/2 hours of sleep. I just wasn't tired in the slightest, and luckily I didn't start getting tired until the evening on Monday. Sleep last night was great though! And when Duck man (Darius) woke up at 3, Ben graciously got up with him. He knew I hadn't gotten much sleep on Monday, so he wanted me to catch up. Such a wonderful hubby I have!! Monkey (Micah) woke up at 4, and I got up with him. Both boys ate quickly and went right back to sleep though. And they didn't get up until 8:45! They really are rock star sleepers. We're so lucky. I just hope that they manage to stay through-the-night sleepers. I hear it goes away sometimes...
Well, Monkey is grumping in his bouncey, and Mama needs a shower. Guess that means this blog is done.
Friday, April 8, 2011
Down the Rabbit Hole
I'm sitting here at 6 in the morning, tooling around on the interwebs as my babes sleep. After getting up at 4 when Micah started crying for a bottle, and then getting back up around 5 (after lying down for 2 minutes, woo!) when Darius decided it was time for him to eat too, I decided there wasn't much use to going back to sleep when I'm feeling wide awake and have nearly finished the cup of coffee Ben prepared for me before he left. While I love being up with Ben in the morning (I get to see a little more of him this way!!), I'm awful about missing sleep. I just get so grumpy when I'm tired. Though we go to bed when the babies do (typically around 8/8:30, sheesh!) I find that when 4/5 rolls around and I've had a good 8 hours of sleep, I still feel tired. Honestly, I should be doing the mountain of dishes in the kitchen, but I just don't feel like it. Like I said, I'm pretty grumpy in the mornings.
After having a dear (close, then lost, then close, then lost, now very happily reunited) friend of mine comment that I needed to update my pregnancy blog, I decided to just make a new one. I couldn't see the point in updating when I would just want to revamp for this newest stage in life. Besides, I like the layout of my preggo blog. I'ma just leave it the way it is. Completely unfinished. ... Hmm ... maybe I will update at some point. At the very least, I can type up my birth story. What fun that was!! ha...
Anyways, I don't think I have a real point to this blog. It's more just for my thoughts, my life, a chronicle of the boys. Allowing strangers to have access to my kids' pictures is super unsettling for me, so don't plan on seeing pics posted here. If I was paranoid before babies, I'm SUPER paranoid now. Don't touch my kid in the grocery store. Don't come near them if you're sick. And for the dear Lord's sakes, don't ask me if you can have one! Ben jokes to people that we've got two, we have an extra to give away. But, uh uhhh, Mama don't play that game. Sorry. They're mine. Go make your own.
I suppose in the future my blogs will be a bit more introspective. Right now it's just rambling thoughts of a tired Mama. One of my little men is making noises in the nursery, so I'm sure he'll be up soon. Sounds like as good a time as any to sign off. Til next time.
After having a dear (close, then lost, then close, then lost, now very happily reunited) friend of mine comment that I needed to update my pregnancy blog, I decided to just make a new one. I couldn't see the point in updating when I would just want to revamp for this newest stage in life. Besides, I like the layout of my preggo blog. I'ma just leave it the way it is. Completely unfinished. ... Hmm ... maybe I will update at some point. At the very least, I can type up my birth story. What fun that was!! ha...
Anyways, I don't think I have a real point to this blog. It's more just for my thoughts, my life, a chronicle of the boys. Allowing strangers to have access to my kids' pictures is super unsettling for me, so don't plan on seeing pics posted here. If I was paranoid before babies, I'm SUPER paranoid now. Don't touch my kid in the grocery store. Don't come near them if you're sick. And for the dear Lord's sakes, don't ask me if you can have one! Ben jokes to people that we've got two, we have an extra to give away. But, uh uhhh, Mama don't play that game. Sorry. They're mine. Go make your own.
I suppose in the future my blogs will be a bit more introspective. Right now it's just rambling thoughts of a tired Mama. One of my little men is making noises in the nursery, so I'm sure he'll be up soon. Sounds like as good a time as any to sign off. Til next time.
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