Penny For Your Thoughts, Oh No, I'll Sell Them For A Dollar

I don't like when it takes me a while to get to blog again. I feel like there are so many things that I intended to write that I just forget. But every time I wanted to, one or both of my little men decided to act up and need Mommy's attention.

They seem to be doing well on the medication. It's been nearly 2 weeks, and while they are eating more than they had been, they're still not quite to where they need to be. Two days they got about 27 ounces, which was awesome, but we haven't seen that for a while. I think yesterday they were both around 22/24. Then again, they had been in the nursery at church in the morning, and I think that if they had been at home we would have wound up feeding them more. I don't blame the nursery workers, though. They had 7 or 8 kids in there! I can't ask them to concentrate on my two when they've got so many to look after! Including another set of twins!

I'm hoping that we'll just keep getting better as far as intake is concerned. I'm trying my hardest not to stress about it. While I want them to get to the 30/32 ounce minimum, I know that they are gaining weight properly. As long as they're not staying the same or losing, I'm not going to freak out. Mainly because when I do, I tend to force-feed, and I don't want the boys to learn to eat when they're not hungry. I know it's a problem with formula fed babies, and if they learn the American way of eating not solely based on hunger, then they will have a higher risk of childhood obesity and juvenile diabetes. And I don't even want to think about going down that road. If I'm stressed out now, I can't even imagine how I would be then!

Saturday night I was taking Ducky out of the tub and I had him standing while I held his hands. His feet slipped backwards and his face smacked into the lip of the tub wall. One moment of shock and the screaming started. I was surprisingly calm and just set to calming him. When I pulled him from my shoulder, I saw the blood coming from his mouth. Poor little boy. Everything seems to happen to him. He was the one who had a hard time being delivered (and wound up with a bruise that covered his entire forehead from the vacuum), and he was the one to roll off the bed at only a few weeks. It just seems like if anyone is going to get hurt, it's my Duck Man. Ben came in and took him from me (only because he thought I would be freaking out) and told me to go feed Mymy. Darius seemed to calm right down once Daddy had him. Ben checked his mouth, and said that there was a cut where his upper lip met the gums. While I wasn't too worried about it, Ben was concerned about the risk of infection, so I called the pediatrician. Whoever it was that called me back said that the risk of infection in the mouth is very low, and it will show by fever, redness, or swelling in the first 48 hours. He then said that we would be fine to treat at home with a cold compress and Tylenol. My first encounter with my son bleeding, and I think I handled it pretty well.

Of course, that got me upset later. I wound up crying to Ben that I fear I don't love them enough. After all, if I was a "normal" Mommy, I'd have been freaking out that he was hurt ... wouldn't I? While I do have my head-over-heels-crazy-parent-love moments with them, they are not a consistent, or even daily thing. I guess my biggest fear right now is that they will grow to feel that I don't love them. When I was hanging out with Cassie on Friday, I told her how we're going to Bing and Erin's wedding at Loon Mountain in August, and we're going to have to stay 2 nights because of the minimums the hotels have, so the boys will be spending the weekend at Granny Grace and Grampy Jack's. She was in shock that I would leave them for the weekend, and asked how I could do it. For me, it's such an exciting thing. I can't wait to have a whole weekend for just me and Ben. I explained that we've had a baby free night at least once a week since the boys have been born, so I'm pretty much used to it. Of course, this is the first time we'll actually be going away instead of just being at home, so I really have no idea how I'll be when I'm so far from them. ... But that's part of what makes me question myself. If I "truly" loved them, wouldn't I be anxious about leaving them for a weekend? Or is it that I've had so many nights without them to prep myself for the prospect of going away? I've never been a parent before, so I can only judge by how I've seen others do it. I know everyone is different, but I worry that I'm not doing anything right. Even loving my kids.

My main prayer for right now is that if I were to be able to bond more easily to another child, or feel "in-love" with them all the time, or just overall have an easier time loving on them, that God would not give us any more children. As much as I have that dream of a daughter in the back of my head (and God knows the desire to have a little girl), I would rather go without her than to have one or both of my sons feel that I love her more than them. Or even if we were to wind up with another boy, I don't want either of them to think that I love their little brother more than them. I know the dynamic is completely different with each of your children, but I don't ever want to hurt Mikey or Darius by having them feel that I love someone else more than them. So that is the cry of my heart right now - Lord, do not give us any more children if I will have an easier time feeling my love for them.

I really do stress about everything...

Saturday was the fifth Particle Accelerator. It was, unfortunately, a dreary and cold day. We didn't have as good a turnout as last year, but it still seemed to go well. My dad wrote a song called "Choose Life" and performed it at the event. It was beautiful, and I cried from the first line. He had been so nervous, since he hadn't performed in about 15 years, but he did an absolutely amazing job. I'm hoping he'll sing it again next year. :)

I think I've babbled long enough. Since the boys are sleeping, I may try to do a little reading. Ben had gotten me so many books for Mother's Day, and I haven't gotten through a single one. Father's Day is this Sunday! I'm so excited. :)