I'll Be There For You

First same day blog. I usually don't update for a least a couple days if not longer, so this is pretty new for me. But I find myself unable to sleep, and once again I have swirling thoughts in my head.

I feel like I have no friends. In fact, I feel like I have all of one person that I could call without the worry that I'm bothering them gnawing in the back of my head. She's the only one I've invited over within the last month, and the only one I've actually been able to make plans with, with any sort of ease. (Love you, Mama Cass!) I have been able to visit with a few other people within the last couple weeks, and I really enjoyed myself. But I'm now looking back and wondering if any kind of real connection was made.

I feel stupid trying to talk about this with Ben, so I haven't bothered bringing it up. I just really don't think he'd be able to understand. He's had the same group of friends since he was, like, 5. And even if he hasn't talked to one of them in three weeks, a single text between them and nothing has changed. He has managed to hold onto friends in a way that makes me, I'll admit it, jealous. Aren't girls supposed to be the ones with the life long friendships that start in preschool? Yet here I am, with not one same close friend as when I first met Ben.

I love going to the Mom's Group. And I can see some potential friendships there. But I walk in every meeting, and sit by myself until someone else starts a conversation. Or I stupidly stand by a group of women, just to look like I'm not alone. It may not seem it, since I'll share just about anything and I'm super talkative, but I am painfully shy. Every time I open my mouth, when someone else hasn't asked me a question first, I feel like a complete and total idiot. I'm just waiting for the other person to look at me like there's a chicken growing out of my head and ask why I'm talking to them.

I talk a good game. I say "I'll definitely give you a call if I need anything!" "Oh, we should so get together sometime." "All I do is sit at home, bored. We'll have to have a play date." "Let's get our families together! I bet the guys would really like each other too!" But I know it's not going to happen. I'm certainly not going to make the first move. Because I'm positive that you have absolutely no interest in me.

There are so many women that I respect and admire and just adore. But everything inside me says it's all one way. They don't care about me. And why should they?

It's happened just too many times. I've made these super close friendships, found these girls who are like sisters to me. And now I have no idea what's going on with them. I've lost them, one way or another. Maybe I'm afraid of getting hurt again, of losing another friend. Or maybe I'm just scarred. The only thing that was the same in all those relationships was me. What is it about me that makes so many people just walk away?

I can't put a number to the times that Ben and I have left Mini Church on Wednesday night, and I have spent the whole ride home feeling like no one cares, completely unwanted, and just plain awkward. When we go, I pretty much keep to myself because I feel like no one wants to hear what I have to say. People ask me questions about the boys and I answer, sometimes I try to add to conversations, but there is this dynamic that has been there for so long ... I feel like an intruder. And it's the same at Mom's Group. All the women have these stories, these memories, their kids love each other. And then there's me. Don't get me wrong, all the women are so welcoming. But I feel like an outsider. Like I don't matter.

So I guess there you have it. If I say I'm going to make plans with you, or I say I'm going to call you, don't expect it to happen. Because before I can pick up the phone, or type out that Facebook message, I have to get over the voice in my head that tells me I'll just be annoying you, the one that says I'm not worth your time. And past experience has shown that it's nearly impossible to get over that voice.