For those of you who used to follow my old blog, you'll know that I sometimes get a little lax in my blogging. Weeks tend to slip by unnoticed before I sit down to write again. What I can say about the past few weeks, however, is that this is not the case. I have been purposefully avoiding my blog, but not for the reason you might think.
This blog, while titled about my babes, is not for the sole purpose of my children. It's about my life, my thoughts, and whatever I feel like recording at the time. To be true to that purpose, I have to write about the first of this month. It's not going to be easy for me, and I might gloss over a few things, but it has to be done.
As most of you know, Ben's brother committed suicide on his birthday in 2007. It was the year he turned 27, and so is listed in the "27 Club" - a list of musicians who died at the age of 27. His birthday was May 8th, so it was on Mother's Day this year (more on that in my next blog). Even though I never met Jack, I took his loss hard - he was the one person I could call my brother and have it actually be true. I had been waiting to get married with excitement at finally having siblings. But by the time I met Ben, the man who was supposed to be my brother was already gone. I was angry, and had to grieve in my own way. One of the things I was most angry about was that I felt that Jack had stolen from my children. They will have plenty of aunts and uncles through our friends, but they will never have their one true uncle, or any cousins. It was very upsetting for me. I tell you this, so you can understand my state of mind for what happened May 1st.
My friend, Sam, took his own life.
We hadn't been close for quite some time, but years ago, Sam and I called each other sibling. He wasn't the typical super-close-awesome-guy-friend-so-I'll-call-you-my-brother kid. He was half super-close-awesome-guy-friend-so-I'll-call-you-my-brother kid and half I'm-going-to-bug-the-crap-out-of-you-just-like-a-REAL-little-brother kid. Sam and I had our ups and downs, but he was the type of person who no matter what he was going through, would drop everything and be there if you needed him. After his first suicide attempt, he was in the hospital and told to write down a list of people who were allowed to visit him. He wrote two names. One of them was mine. I immediately got in the car and went to see him. And once I got there, he just looked at me and asked, "How are you?" There he was in the hospital, and he was worried about me. Not only me, but some of the other patients. He met a little 9 year old anorexic girl, and convinced her to eat by promising to make her things. Half a donut? He made her a shrinky-dink. Sam spent his time recuperating by helping others. That was Sam. Also known as Sammycake, Sam My Cake, or just Cake.
One of the hardest things for Ben and I was the similarities between Jack and Sam. Both were musicians and artists. Both were addicted to drugs. Both would change their look about every 6 months (or so it would seem). In fact, every color that Jack dyed his hair, Sam had dyed his hair. Both went through the goth/punk eyeliner phase (there were pictures that looked exactly alike). Unfortunately, because Ben had gone through the loss of Jack, he was the perfect one to help me through my grieving for Sam. Everything I said, Ben understood without judgement. And, unfortunately, my loss of Sam made me better understand how Ben felt when he lost his brother. For the both of us, there had been a separation before hand. I had drifted apart from Sam, and not wanted to get closer because of his drug addiction (I couldn't put myself in that kind of relationship when my family was beginning), and Ben had pretty much given up on Jack because of his drug addiction. One major difference was that Sam was sober, and fighting to stay that way. The other is that Ben and I saw Sam two hours before it happened. Jack had been states away from his family.
One thing that is of a comfort to us is that we know we'll get to see them again. I don't believe that people who commit suicide aren't allowed into Heaven. My God would not make that one sin worse than any other. People who lie before being hit by a bus aren't any more likely to be kept from Heaven than those who commit adultery before having a heart attack. Sin is sin, and God looks at the heart. Jack and Sam made professions of faith at one point in their lives. I fully believe I will see them again.
Until then, every time I hear thunder, I'll think of Sam and Jack rockin' out in front of Jesus.
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