What a fun day it's been so far! Well ... half of that is sarcastic. This morning I'm pretty sure I broke my toe. Not exactly what I would call fun. I thought it would hurt a lot more, but if I don't move it it doesn't really hurt much. I was walking past our lantern and stubbed my toe on it. Afterward, I wiggled it back and forth and could feel it clicking... which my other toe doesn't do... And then it swelled up and got all bruise colored. So, I think it's broken, but I'm not doing anything about it. The doctors can't really do anything for a broken toe, so why bother going to get it checked?
Anyways, today I went down to Sarah's house. She was having an Easter egg hunt in her yard for the kids (and my Lord, she has a HUGE yard!) but she said I was welcome to come even though the boys aren't ready for Easter egg hunts yet. So we went. It was so nice getting together with some of the moms from MOPS. Roxanne and Jennifer were there too, with their two munchkins (each). Honestly, I feel like talking to other moms makes me relax about what I'm doing with the boys. The reassurance I get from them means more than from my parents or even Ben. They know what I'm going through, and I get some of the best advice. One thing that Roxanne does is when she gets frustrated with one of her boys she just puts on this teeth-gritting grin and says "Ohhh, I love you. I love you so much." It's a little funny to watch, but I can so understand what would prompt something like that. I told her I may be stealing her catch phrase. Yes, it sounds a little sarcastic to say it when you're beyond frustrated, but I take it as a personal reminder. "Kid, you are driving me up the freaking wall, making me want to drop you off at a safe haven, but wait ... I do love you. Maybe I don't feel it so much right now, but I love you, kiddo." I know I could use a reminder, sarcastic or not, when I'm getting frustrated with the munchkins.
Sometimes I'm surprised by how honest I am with the other moms. The fears I have about how I'm doing that bubble below the surface, the things that I think people would view as absolutely horrible, I find them tumbling out of my mouth. And typically one of the other moms will say "Oh, me too." It's such a relief! The knowledge that I'm not alone with how I feel, that what I'm going through is normal... it takes a huge weight off my shoulders. I find that every time I leave one of the MOPS meetings or even this little playdate today, I feel so much better. My spirit so needs the salve of these gatherings. I guess I never realized just how much mom friendships would mean to me. I think I thought I'd be ok just doing it on my own. But having these other women to talk to has maintained my sanity.
Just today I confessed that I worry if I'm properly bonding with the boys. Sometimes they just seem like a weight on my shoulders. Others I just want to squish them and kiss their chubby cheeks. Having worked in two daycares, I find myself treating it like I'm back at work - just get them through this fussy patch, just put them in their bouncers and rock them, just get them to sleep so I can have a few minutes to myself. Maybe it wouldn't be like this if I had just one to devote myself to, but sometimes it feels more like I'm babysitting. I don't know. It's not often, and I love my kids beyond measure. It's just so tiring. I feel like "If I really loved my kids, I'd want to hold them all the time." But most of the day they're in their bounceys or swings or having tummy time. I only pick them up if they're crying or eating. I suppose there's all different kinds of ways to be a mom. Maybe I'm just more of a "hands off" Mama. I just don't know what to do with them right now. They aren't ticklish, can't grab onto toys ... I can't really play with them yet. They're finally at the stage where they just smile and laugh when you talk to them. (Man, I love those little laughs!) I love how little and snuggly they are. But I sometimes find myself looking forward to when they are just a little more interactive. I want to be able to play with them.
Of course, I really want to just enjoy whatever stage they're in. I've always been impatient, though. I'm trying to change that. I don't want to look forward to the next stage so much that I miss out on all the great things going on now.
I love my boys. I think I just haven't gotten used to the fact that they're mine yet. It took me about 6 months before I finally got to the point where it felt normal to be married. It's going to take some time before I feel settled as Mommy. I just have to stare at them sometimes and remind myself "... Hey ... I made you." It's just still so weird... Hasn't cemented in my head yet. Maybe I'll feel more bonded to them once I'm used to being Mommy.
Yesterday morning I had the scare of my life. I thought Darius was dead... He slept for 12 hours. I had to check to make sure he was still breathing. Neither of them had ever slept that long before! My mind went crazy, imagining how I'd have to call Ben, call 911 because there's no way I could drive them to the hospital, how I'd manage telling people. Such a cruel imagination I have...
Speaking of odd sleeping habits... Micah has now slept for 2+ hours. They typically take cat naps - 20 or 30 minutes. But he's just out. And Darius is on half an hour. I just have to wonder how long it's going to last...
They're going to their Pepe and Nonni's tonight. I'm so excited - especially since Ben has tomorrow off. They went over there Monday night too, but Ben had to work Tuesday. At least this time we'll get to sleep in together. <3 AND, depending on how Ben's mom feels, she may be staying over Friday night and watching them for us. If so, all I can say is WOW. Three baby free nights? Yes, please! Haha. We've never had three baby free nights in one week.
I'm so very blessed. Not only do I have the best husband to be Daddy to my kids, I have the most supportive and loving Grandparents for my children too. I've spent my whole life looking forward to having my own family. And now I have the most amazing family anyone could ever ask for. <3<3<3
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