First same day blog. I usually don't update for a least a couple days if not longer, so this is pretty new for me. But I find myself unable to sleep, and once again I have swirling thoughts in my head.
I feel like I have no friends. In fact, I feel like I have all of one person that I could call without the worry that I'm bothering them gnawing in the back of my head. She's the only one I've invited over within the last month, and the only one I've actually been able to make plans with, with any sort of ease. (Love you, Mama Cass!) I have been able to visit with a few other people within the last couple weeks, and I really enjoyed myself. But I'm now looking back and wondering if any kind of real connection was made.
I feel stupid trying to talk about this with Ben, so I haven't bothered bringing it up. I just really don't think he'd be able to understand. He's had the same group of friends since he was, like, 5. And even if he hasn't talked to one of them in three weeks, a single text between them and nothing has changed. He has managed to hold onto friends in a way that makes me, I'll admit it, jealous. Aren't girls supposed to be the ones with the life long friendships that start in preschool? Yet here I am, with not one same close friend as when I first met Ben.
I love going to the Mom's Group. And I can see some potential friendships there. But I walk in every meeting, and sit by myself until someone else starts a conversation. Or I stupidly stand by a group of women, just to look like I'm not alone. It may not seem it, since I'll share just about anything and I'm super talkative, but I am painfully shy. Every time I open my mouth, when someone else hasn't asked me a question first, I feel like a complete and total idiot. I'm just waiting for the other person to look at me like there's a chicken growing out of my head and ask why I'm talking to them.
I talk a good game. I say "I'll definitely give you a call if I need anything!" "Oh, we should so get together sometime." "All I do is sit at home, bored. We'll have to have a play date." "Let's get our families together! I bet the guys would really like each other too!" But I know it's not going to happen. I'm certainly not going to make the first move. Because I'm positive that you have absolutely no interest in me.
There are so many women that I respect and admire and just adore. But everything inside me says it's all one way. They don't care about me. And why should they?
It's happened just too many times. I've made these super close friendships, found these girls who are like sisters to me. And now I have no idea what's going on with them. I've lost them, one way or another. Maybe I'm afraid of getting hurt again, of losing another friend. Or maybe I'm just scarred. The only thing that was the same in all those relationships was me. What is it about me that makes so many people just walk away?
I can't put a number to the times that Ben and I have left Mini Church on Wednesday night, and I have spent the whole ride home feeling like no one cares, completely unwanted, and just plain awkward. When we go, I pretty much keep to myself because I feel like no one wants to hear what I have to say. People ask me questions about the boys and I answer, sometimes I try to add to conversations, but there is this dynamic that has been there for so long ... I feel like an intruder. And it's the same at Mom's Group. All the women have these stories, these memories, their kids love each other. And then there's me. Don't get me wrong, all the women are so welcoming. But I feel like an outsider. Like I don't matter.
So I guess there you have it. If I say I'm going to make plans with you, or I say I'm going to call you, don't expect it to happen. Because before I can pick up the phone, or type out that Facebook message, I have to get over the voice in my head that tells me I'll just be annoying you, the one that says I'm not worth your time. And past experience has shown that it's nearly impossible to get over that voice.
Friday, April 29, 2011
Wash Away The Thoughts Inside That Keep My Mind Away From You
Let me start with the promised recap of our first playdate at the W's. Unfortunately, the boys were complete and total crankypants, and didn't want to let us eat in peace like they did on Easter. It was, however, really nice to see some old friends. I hadn't gotten together with both W's since... gosh, before they were married! And their sweet little babe is over 7 months now! So, yeah, it had been a while. It was Ben's first time hanging out with them, and I would love it if they became a good couples/parents friends of ours. Dinner was wonderful, and the conversation was really natural. Their baby was mildly interested in the boys, as long as Mommy wasn't holding one! And since they only have the one, Mrs. W had a hard time with the whole "brothers" thing. She'll get it when they have another. :) It was a great time, and I hope to get together again some time relatively soon. We've already been invited for a game night at some point. (The only reason I'm not using names is because it could cause some issues for them. Someone we both know has a problem with me, and I'd rather not cause drama for them. I'd like to say they're the only ones who know someone who has issues with me personally. That's not the case. But I'm glad it doesn't stop people from being friends with me.)
I suppose it's time to move on to my main point for this blog. Admittedly, I am a paranoid glass-is-half-empty type. How I wish that were different! I don't like the pessimistic way I view the world, the way my fears worm themselves into my brain and dig their claws in so that there is no way to remove them. Sometimes airing out my thoughts helps to eradicate them (as was the case with my previous blog where I raked myself over the coals. Within 10 minutes of writing, I felt infinitely better), though sometimes rehashing my thoughts only suffices in solidifying them. I never know which way it will turn out, so don't be surprised if you often read some brutally honest things. My blog is not a place to hide things - I'd rather own up to what I think. Even if it means that some people will think less of me.
Lately the thought I've been having is the endless wonder of whether or not I am properly bonding with the boys. I mentioned it to Ben, and his response was incredulousness - that they LOVE me. Yes, they watch my every move, often ignoring Daddy when he holds them to instead look my way. I can get them to smile in ways that no one else can. But my thoughts are not of them bonding to me, but of me bonding to them. It pains me to say this, but sometimes I just don't want them to be so in need of me. (And they're not even at the point where they can follow and hang on me yet!) I find myself getting irritated when they begin crying for my attentions. Mikey especially will cry until I look at him and say something. Then he just starts smiling and laughing. Instead of enjoying that I can make my son stop crying with just a look, I'm so annoyed that he's crying just for attention. I don't have the time to interact as much as he wants, because he's not my only baby. I'm tired of washing bottles and feedings and diaper changings every few hours. Sometimes I just need to step out of the room, and they begin to cry because they are alone. I don't like that they want me around so much. I know it's not separation anxiety yet, but just the fact that they need someone in the room with them all the time (and I'm the only one here most of the time) weighs on me heavily. If I need to take a shower, I pretty much have to wait til they're asleep, wait til Ben gets home, or know that they will be screaming by the time I'm done. I'm sure that part of my irritations and lack of patience has to do with the fact that I am majorly PMS-ing right now. (I've also got a cold) But this isn't something that has started within the last week. I've felt this way for a while.
Don't get me wrong, I love my kids. I would never wish to not have them. But sometimes I miss the freedom of not being a Mommy. I had so much more time to myself even when I was just pregnant. I know babies are needy, but having two little demanders is so tough. I also think that maybe I wouldn't worry about my bonding with them if I had never worked in daycares. I so loved the munchkins I took care of. And right now, I don't see a whole lot of difference in the way I love my own. If I had one, maybe the devotion I could give one-on-one would clearly show the difference. I could never choose just one baby (as in - say I wish we'd just had Monkey, or I wish we'd just had Darry), but having the two of them so reminds me of my days in the infant rooms of the daycares I worked in. Two-on-one does not make for easy days. I know that just one is hard, and so many women have a lot of trouble handling it. But there is a part of me that just does not understand how one baby can be that hard. There are times when I can't help but think how much easier it would be with just one baby. Again, I could never choose between my children. But two in the same stage is beyond anything I could have thought I could handle. (I can't even IMAGINE how moms of triplets do it.)
I hate this about myself. I wish I was one of those women who just loves being a mom - every part of it. After all, this is the job I always wanted. And there is a huge part of me that is so happy with the way things are. I love my husband, I love my kids. I love that I have my own family. But sometimes these thoughts circle in my brain, and the weight of my job bears down in ways I never expected. I'm not just a babysitter, watching two little boys. I'm the one who is responsible for who they will become. I'm the one instilling morals and teaching God's love and acceptance. I'm the one they'll be blaming all their issues on (after all, isn't it always Mom's fault later in life??). No one is a perfect parent. But I just stress so much about making mistakes with them.
Ben is beyond understanding. I really have lucked out with him. He comes home and takes over with the boys, or does dishes or cooks if I'm just so exhausted from the day. Just the other day he came home and cleaned the kitchen while the boys napped and I just watched a TV show on the computer. He totally gets that my days are exhausting and I can't always get to the house upkeep that I want to. I have the very best husband. I am so grateful to God for providing me with His very best. I may not always deserve him, but I so love my husband.
I know that things will change. The boys will grow. There will be new hassles, new stresses, new marvels. It will go from crying for a bottle to crying because they've fallen off the bookcase (I'm pretty positive my two will be climbers from the very start... -_-). I'm sure that one day I will look back on this and laugh about how I thought I wasn't bonding with them. They'll wake up one day and call me Mama, and my heart will be so melted I'll wonder why I ever feared. I love my children. And that love will change and grow as they do. They're my boys, my babies, my heart. Even now, as Monkey babbles away in his swing, I feel the tears well in my eyes. I love them so very much. I still can't believe that they came from me, that they're actually mine. God is so good to me.
All I know is, when I'm in full swing PMS mode, I pretty much become my mother-in-law. I question myself, I cry at a song or just they way my little men are smiling at me. If you know my mother-in-law at all, you will understand what I'm saying. And you will know that I am in no way putting her down or upset at the parallels. Ben and I often talk about how similar we are. And he and I are both ok with that. :) She's a great lady.
I can only hope that one day my sons will find a girl they love, and be ok with the ways she's similar to me.
I suppose it's time to move on to my main point for this blog. Admittedly, I am a paranoid glass-is-half-empty type. How I wish that were different! I don't like the pessimistic way I view the world, the way my fears worm themselves into my brain and dig their claws in so that there is no way to remove them. Sometimes airing out my thoughts helps to eradicate them (as was the case with my previous blog where I raked myself over the coals. Within 10 minutes of writing, I felt infinitely better), though sometimes rehashing my thoughts only suffices in solidifying them. I never know which way it will turn out, so don't be surprised if you often read some brutally honest things. My blog is not a place to hide things - I'd rather own up to what I think. Even if it means that some people will think less of me.
Lately the thought I've been having is the endless wonder of whether or not I am properly bonding with the boys. I mentioned it to Ben, and his response was incredulousness - that they LOVE me. Yes, they watch my every move, often ignoring Daddy when he holds them to instead look my way. I can get them to smile in ways that no one else can. But my thoughts are not of them bonding to me, but of me bonding to them. It pains me to say this, but sometimes I just don't want them to be so in need of me. (And they're not even at the point where they can follow and hang on me yet!) I find myself getting irritated when they begin crying for my attentions. Mikey especially will cry until I look at him and say something. Then he just starts smiling and laughing. Instead of enjoying that I can make my son stop crying with just a look, I'm so annoyed that he's crying just for attention. I don't have the time to interact as much as he wants, because he's not my only baby. I'm tired of washing bottles and feedings and diaper changings every few hours. Sometimes I just need to step out of the room, and they begin to cry because they are alone. I don't like that they want me around so much. I know it's not separation anxiety yet, but just the fact that they need someone in the room with them all the time (and I'm the only one here most of the time) weighs on me heavily. If I need to take a shower, I pretty much have to wait til they're asleep, wait til Ben gets home, or know that they will be screaming by the time I'm done. I'm sure that part of my irritations and lack of patience has to do with the fact that I am majorly PMS-ing right now. (I've also got a cold) But this isn't something that has started within the last week. I've felt this way for a while.
Don't get me wrong, I love my kids. I would never wish to not have them. But sometimes I miss the freedom of not being a Mommy. I had so much more time to myself even when I was just pregnant. I know babies are needy, but having two little demanders is so tough. I also think that maybe I wouldn't worry about my bonding with them if I had never worked in daycares. I so loved the munchkins I took care of. And right now, I don't see a whole lot of difference in the way I love my own. If I had one, maybe the devotion I could give one-on-one would clearly show the difference. I could never choose just one baby (as in - say I wish we'd just had Monkey, or I wish we'd just had Darry), but having the two of them so reminds me of my days in the infant rooms of the daycares I worked in. Two-on-one does not make for easy days. I know that just one is hard, and so many women have a lot of trouble handling it. But there is a part of me that just does not understand how one baby can be that hard. There are times when I can't help but think how much easier it would be with just one baby. Again, I could never choose between my children. But two in the same stage is beyond anything I could have thought I could handle. (I can't even IMAGINE how moms of triplets do it.)
I hate this about myself. I wish I was one of those women who just loves being a mom - every part of it. After all, this is the job I always wanted. And there is a huge part of me that is so happy with the way things are. I love my husband, I love my kids. I love that I have my own family. But sometimes these thoughts circle in my brain, and the weight of my job bears down in ways I never expected. I'm not just a babysitter, watching two little boys. I'm the one who is responsible for who they will become. I'm the one instilling morals and teaching God's love and acceptance. I'm the one they'll be blaming all their issues on (after all, isn't it always Mom's fault later in life??). No one is a perfect parent. But I just stress so much about making mistakes with them.
Ben is beyond understanding. I really have lucked out with him. He comes home and takes over with the boys, or does dishes or cooks if I'm just so exhausted from the day. Just the other day he came home and cleaned the kitchen while the boys napped and I just watched a TV show on the computer. He totally gets that my days are exhausting and I can't always get to the house upkeep that I want to. I have the very best husband. I am so grateful to God for providing me with His very best. I may not always deserve him, but I so love my husband.
I know that things will change. The boys will grow. There will be new hassles, new stresses, new marvels. It will go from crying for a bottle to crying because they've fallen off the bookcase (I'm pretty positive my two will be climbers from the very start... -_-). I'm sure that one day I will look back on this and laugh about how I thought I wasn't bonding with them. They'll wake up one day and call me Mama, and my heart will be so melted I'll wonder why I ever feared. I love my children. And that love will change and grow as they do. They're my boys, my babies, my heart. Even now, as Monkey babbles away in his swing, I feel the tears well in my eyes. I love them so very much. I still can't believe that they came from me, that they're actually mine. God is so good to me.
All I know is, when I'm in full swing PMS mode, I pretty much become my mother-in-law. I question myself, I cry at a song or just they way my little men are smiling at me. If you know my mother-in-law at all, you will understand what I'm saying. And you will know that I am in no way putting her down or upset at the parallels. Ben and I often talk about how similar we are. And he and I are both ok with that. :) She's a great lady.
I can only hope that one day my sons will find a girl they love, and be ok with the ways she's similar to me.
Monday, April 25, 2011
Alive, Alive, Alive Hallelujah
Welp, yesterday was Easter. They boys' first one! Of course, we had to dress them in matching outfits. ^_^ Unlike some twin parents, Ben and I don't like dressing the boys the same all the time - just on holidays/special occasions. I had wanted to get them those super cute vest/dress shirt combos, but I couldn't find any when I went to Wal*Mart last weekend (except in the older boy section. Grrr.) so we just picked up polo onesies and blue pants. I know I could have gotten them at Babies R Us (since I had seen them there the last time I'd been there) but I just couldn't justify spending $20+ an outfit when I was able to get both for $12 at Wally's. Sorry, but when you've got two little ones and one income, you need to be a little careful with money.
We have yet to put the boys in the nursery when we go to church. The first week we decided to do it, we had to skip church because I was waiting on the pediatrician to get back to me (I wasn't sure if I'd have to bring Darry in and didn't want to get ready for church if we weren't going to be able to go) and by the time the doc called back, it was too late to go. Last week Ben stayed home because he was sick, and so I'd asked his mom to help me bring them. I didn't want to put them in the nursery without Ben (I don't know why. I'm weird. :P). And then yesterday was Easter, so we didn't want that to be their first week in the nursery. Hopefully next week will work out. I like having the boys in the nursery so that they can get some socialization (and be used to being taken care of by someone else). They already spend time in there on MOPS days, so hopefully the transition on Sundays will be an easy one.
After church (and being stopped by many many people who had to fawn), we went to Donna's family's house. Auntie Maria made a wonderful Italian Easter dinner (seriously, you could get full just on the appetizers. Then there's the pasta course, and then the normal Easter dinner foods.) The boys were pretty well behaved. They got mad once we got off the highway on our way, since there wasn't as much motion lulling them to sleep and they were hungry. But once we were there, they were well-behaved. They even took a nap during dinner (which made it so much easier to eat in peace!) I can't believe how many pictures we took. Since we don't typically dress them alike, I tend to take a lot of pictures when they're so adorably similar.
Once we left, we made an appearance at Ben's parents' house. Grandma Y. was coming over so we stayed until she got there. She hasn't gotten to see much of them yet, since she lives in FL, but hopefully she'll be able to see them a lot while she's here for the summer. We weren't able to stay very long since Mikey started crying for a bottle and it was too close to bathtime to feed him (our nightly routine is bath at 6:30 - whoever is fussier gets the first bath - then bottle and then bed. Typically they get into bed around 8). So we just headed home and gave the boys and early bath. They were both in bed by 7:15, so we actually had some time to ourselves before we needed to go to bed. (Once the boys are in bed, we usually just get ready and go to bed ourselves - typically by 8:30) It was a nice end to a busy holiday. I love the few moments I get alone with Ben. It reminds me that I'm not just a Mommy. It's during that time that I get to be a wife again. It's such a recharge of my batteries. Man. I love my husband. <3
I suppose I should have written about our first playdate at the W's on Saturday before writing the Easter blog, but Easter was more on my mind. I suppose I'll just include it in the next blog. Unless I forget. I'd write in now but Monkey's already up with me in the living room, and Ducky is waking. Time to go be a Mommy. ^_^
We have yet to put the boys in the nursery when we go to church. The first week we decided to do it, we had to skip church because I was waiting on the pediatrician to get back to me (I wasn't sure if I'd have to bring Darry in and didn't want to get ready for church if we weren't going to be able to go) and by the time the doc called back, it was too late to go. Last week Ben stayed home because he was sick, and so I'd asked his mom to help me bring them. I didn't want to put them in the nursery without Ben (I don't know why. I'm weird. :P). And then yesterday was Easter, so we didn't want that to be their first week in the nursery. Hopefully next week will work out. I like having the boys in the nursery so that they can get some socialization (and be used to being taken care of by someone else). They already spend time in there on MOPS days, so hopefully the transition on Sundays will be an easy one.
After church (and being stopped by many many people who had to fawn), we went to Donna's family's house. Auntie Maria made a wonderful Italian Easter dinner (seriously, you could get full just on the appetizers. Then there's the pasta course, and then the normal Easter dinner foods.) The boys were pretty well behaved. They got mad once we got off the highway on our way, since there wasn't as much motion lulling them to sleep and they were hungry. But once we were there, they were well-behaved. They even took a nap during dinner (which made it so much easier to eat in peace!) I can't believe how many pictures we took. Since we don't typically dress them alike, I tend to take a lot of pictures when they're so adorably similar.
Once we left, we made an appearance at Ben's parents' house. Grandma Y. was coming over so we stayed until she got there. She hasn't gotten to see much of them yet, since she lives in FL, but hopefully she'll be able to see them a lot while she's here for the summer. We weren't able to stay very long since Mikey started crying for a bottle and it was too close to bathtime to feed him (our nightly routine is bath at 6:30 - whoever is fussier gets the first bath - then bottle and then bed. Typically they get into bed around 8). So we just headed home and gave the boys and early bath. They were both in bed by 7:15, so we actually had some time to ourselves before we needed to go to bed. (Once the boys are in bed, we usually just get ready and go to bed ourselves - typically by 8:30) It was a nice end to a busy holiday. I love the few moments I get alone with Ben. It reminds me that I'm not just a Mommy. It's during that time that I get to be a wife again. It's such a recharge of my batteries. Man. I love my husband. <3
I suppose I should have written about our first playdate at the W's on Saturday before writing the Easter blog, but Easter was more on my mind. I suppose I'll just include it in the next blog. Unless I forget. I'd write in now but Monkey's already up with me in the living room, and Ducky is waking. Time to go be a Mommy. ^_^
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Did You Know That Dolphins Are Just Gay Sharks?
What a fun day it's been so far! Well ... half of that is sarcastic. This morning I'm pretty sure I broke my toe. Not exactly what I would call fun. I thought it would hurt a lot more, but if I don't move it it doesn't really hurt much. I was walking past our lantern and stubbed my toe on it. Afterward, I wiggled it back and forth and could feel it clicking... which my other toe doesn't do... And then it swelled up and got all bruise colored. So, I think it's broken, but I'm not doing anything about it. The doctors can't really do anything for a broken toe, so why bother going to get it checked?
Anyways, today I went down to Sarah's house. She was having an Easter egg hunt in her yard for the kids (and my Lord, she has a HUGE yard!) but she said I was welcome to come even though the boys aren't ready for Easter egg hunts yet. So we went. It was so nice getting together with some of the moms from MOPS. Roxanne and Jennifer were there too, with their two munchkins (each). Honestly, I feel like talking to other moms makes me relax about what I'm doing with the boys. The reassurance I get from them means more than from my parents or even Ben. They know what I'm going through, and I get some of the best advice. One thing that Roxanne does is when she gets frustrated with one of her boys she just puts on this teeth-gritting grin and says "Ohhh, I love you. I love you so much." It's a little funny to watch, but I can so understand what would prompt something like that. I told her I may be stealing her catch phrase. Yes, it sounds a little sarcastic to say it when you're beyond frustrated, but I take it as a personal reminder. "Kid, you are driving me up the freaking wall, making me want to drop you off at a safe haven, but wait ... I do love you. Maybe I don't feel it so much right now, but I love you, kiddo." I know I could use a reminder, sarcastic or not, when I'm getting frustrated with the munchkins.
Sometimes I'm surprised by how honest I am with the other moms. The fears I have about how I'm doing that bubble below the surface, the things that I think people would view as absolutely horrible, I find them tumbling out of my mouth. And typically one of the other moms will say "Oh, me too." It's such a relief! The knowledge that I'm not alone with how I feel, that what I'm going through is normal... it takes a huge weight off my shoulders. I find that every time I leave one of the MOPS meetings or even this little playdate today, I feel so much better. My spirit so needs the salve of these gatherings. I guess I never realized just how much mom friendships would mean to me. I think I thought I'd be ok just doing it on my own. But having these other women to talk to has maintained my sanity.
Just today I confessed that I worry if I'm properly bonding with the boys. Sometimes they just seem like a weight on my shoulders. Others I just want to squish them and kiss their chubby cheeks. Having worked in two daycares, I find myself treating it like I'm back at work - just get them through this fussy patch, just put them in their bouncers and rock them, just get them to sleep so I can have a few minutes to myself. Maybe it wouldn't be like this if I had just one to devote myself to, but sometimes it feels more like I'm babysitting. I don't know. It's not often, and I love my kids beyond measure. It's just so tiring. I feel like "If I really loved my kids, I'd want to hold them all the time." But most of the day they're in their bounceys or swings or having tummy time. I only pick them up if they're crying or eating. I suppose there's all different kinds of ways to be a mom. Maybe I'm just more of a "hands off" Mama. I just don't know what to do with them right now. They aren't ticklish, can't grab onto toys ... I can't really play with them yet. They're finally at the stage where they just smile and laugh when you talk to them. (Man, I love those little laughs!) I love how little and snuggly they are. But I sometimes find myself looking forward to when they are just a little more interactive. I want to be able to play with them.
Of course, I really want to just enjoy whatever stage they're in. I've always been impatient, though. I'm trying to change that. I don't want to look forward to the next stage so much that I miss out on all the great things going on now.
I love my boys. I think I just haven't gotten used to the fact that they're mine yet. It took me about 6 months before I finally got to the point where it felt normal to be married. It's going to take some time before I feel settled as Mommy. I just have to stare at them sometimes and remind myself "... Hey ... I made you." It's just still so weird... Hasn't cemented in my head yet. Maybe I'll feel more bonded to them once I'm used to being Mommy.
Yesterday morning I had the scare of my life. I thought Darius was dead... He slept for 12 hours. I had to check to make sure he was still breathing. Neither of them had ever slept that long before! My mind went crazy, imagining how I'd have to call Ben, call 911 because there's no way I could drive them to the hospital, how I'd manage telling people. Such a cruel imagination I have...
Speaking of odd sleeping habits... Micah has now slept for 2+ hours. They typically take cat naps - 20 or 30 minutes. But he's just out. And Darius is on half an hour. I just have to wonder how long it's going to last...
They're going to their Pepe and Nonni's tonight. I'm so excited - especially since Ben has tomorrow off. They went over there Monday night too, but Ben had to work Tuesday. At least this time we'll get to sleep in together. <3 AND, depending on how Ben's mom feels, she may be staying over Friday night and watching them for us. If so, all I can say is WOW. Three baby free nights? Yes, please! Haha. We've never had three baby free nights in one week.
I'm so very blessed. Not only do I have the best husband to be Daddy to my kids, I have the most supportive and loving Grandparents for my children too. I've spent my whole life looking forward to having my own family. And now I have the most amazing family anyone could ever ask for. <3<3<3
Anyways, today I went down to Sarah's house. She was having an Easter egg hunt in her yard for the kids (and my Lord, she has a HUGE yard!) but she said I was welcome to come even though the boys aren't ready for Easter egg hunts yet. So we went. It was so nice getting together with some of the moms from MOPS. Roxanne and Jennifer were there too, with their two munchkins (each). Honestly, I feel like talking to other moms makes me relax about what I'm doing with the boys. The reassurance I get from them means more than from my parents or even Ben. They know what I'm going through, and I get some of the best advice. One thing that Roxanne does is when she gets frustrated with one of her boys she just puts on this teeth-gritting grin and says "Ohhh, I love you. I love you so much." It's a little funny to watch, but I can so understand what would prompt something like that. I told her I may be stealing her catch phrase. Yes, it sounds a little sarcastic to say it when you're beyond frustrated, but I take it as a personal reminder. "Kid, you are driving me up the freaking wall, making me want to drop you off at a safe haven, but wait ... I do love you. Maybe I don't feel it so much right now, but I love you, kiddo." I know I could use a reminder, sarcastic or not, when I'm getting frustrated with the munchkins.
Sometimes I'm surprised by how honest I am with the other moms. The fears I have about how I'm doing that bubble below the surface, the things that I think people would view as absolutely horrible, I find them tumbling out of my mouth. And typically one of the other moms will say "Oh, me too." It's such a relief! The knowledge that I'm not alone with how I feel, that what I'm going through is normal... it takes a huge weight off my shoulders. I find that every time I leave one of the MOPS meetings or even this little playdate today, I feel so much better. My spirit so needs the salve of these gatherings. I guess I never realized just how much mom friendships would mean to me. I think I thought I'd be ok just doing it on my own. But having these other women to talk to has maintained my sanity.
Just today I confessed that I worry if I'm properly bonding with the boys. Sometimes they just seem like a weight on my shoulders. Others I just want to squish them and kiss their chubby cheeks. Having worked in two daycares, I find myself treating it like I'm back at work - just get them through this fussy patch, just put them in their bouncers and rock them, just get them to sleep so I can have a few minutes to myself. Maybe it wouldn't be like this if I had just one to devote myself to, but sometimes it feels more like I'm babysitting. I don't know. It's not often, and I love my kids beyond measure. It's just so tiring. I feel like "If I really loved my kids, I'd want to hold them all the time." But most of the day they're in their bounceys or swings or having tummy time. I only pick them up if they're crying or eating. I suppose there's all different kinds of ways to be a mom. Maybe I'm just more of a "hands off" Mama. I just don't know what to do with them right now. They aren't ticklish, can't grab onto toys ... I can't really play with them yet. They're finally at the stage where they just smile and laugh when you talk to them. (Man, I love those little laughs!) I love how little and snuggly they are. But I sometimes find myself looking forward to when they are just a little more interactive. I want to be able to play with them.
Of course, I really want to just enjoy whatever stage they're in. I've always been impatient, though. I'm trying to change that. I don't want to look forward to the next stage so much that I miss out on all the great things going on now.
I love my boys. I think I just haven't gotten used to the fact that they're mine yet. It took me about 6 months before I finally got to the point where it felt normal to be married. It's going to take some time before I feel settled as Mommy. I just have to stare at them sometimes and remind myself "... Hey ... I made you." It's just still so weird... Hasn't cemented in my head yet. Maybe I'll feel more bonded to them once I'm used to being Mommy.
Yesterday morning I had the scare of my life. I thought Darius was dead... He slept for 12 hours. I had to check to make sure he was still breathing. Neither of them had ever slept that long before! My mind went crazy, imagining how I'd have to call Ben, call 911 because there's no way I could drive them to the hospital, how I'd manage telling people. Such a cruel imagination I have...
Speaking of odd sleeping habits... Micah has now slept for 2+ hours. They typically take cat naps - 20 or 30 minutes. But he's just out. And Darius is on half an hour. I just have to wonder how long it's going to last...
They're going to their Pepe and Nonni's tonight. I'm so excited - especially since Ben has tomorrow off. They went over there Monday night too, but Ben had to work Tuesday. At least this time we'll get to sleep in together. <3 AND, depending on how Ben's mom feels, she may be staying over Friday night and watching them for us. If so, all I can say is WOW. Three baby free nights? Yes, please! Haha. We've never had three baby free nights in one week.
I'm so very blessed. Not only do I have the best husband to be Daddy to my kids, I have the most supportive and loving Grandparents for my children too. I've spent my whole life looking forward to having my own family. And now I have the most amazing family anyone could ever ask for. <3<3<3
Saturday, April 16, 2011
Because Unlike Other Robin Hoods Before Me, I Can Speak With An English Accent
It was definitely a "I'm having a crappy day, I need to vent" moment that inspired my last blog. I just needed to air out some worries, to bring some perspective into my mind. Mum reminded me of a gentleman she sat next to on the plane on her way home from visiting with us. Not only did he live in her area, work in a building that she used to work in, and was returning from visiting family three towns away from us, but he was a twin! He asked who was helping me with the babies. Mum replied that Ben did all he could while he was home, my dad and step-mom helped when they could, as did my mother-in-law, but during the day I had them on my own. Apparently this man began sputtering, and repeatedly asking if I was really all by myself with them (they were about one month old at that point). Mum told him that I was a stay-at-home mom, and yes, I had them alone most of the time. He was shocked. Apparently, his mother - when he and his brother were young - had an army of people helping her until they were about 6 months old. She was never alone, and relied on all these other people for assistance. That story really helped ease my mind. Ok, maybe I have a hard time sometimes, maybe I lose my patience or get frustrated, but I have two newborns that need my attention. There are moms who go through the same thing when they have just one at home. A little change of perspective for me. I'll have more bad days, I'm sure. But for now my heart is soothed.
I'm mildly bummed. We were supposed to go to our friends' house this afternoon, so that we could have some adult time and a game night and the boys could have a playdate with their daughter. But since the boys still have a cold they asked that we reschedule. I totally get it. I wouldn't want to risk getting the boys sick if they had been supposed to visit someone and their kid had a cold. Still, I'm a little bummed. Hopefully they'll be better so that next Saturday we can go over.
Ben's sort of made up for it, though. He stayed home from work today! He only works a few hours of overtime on Saturdays, but I hate when he goes in. I'm so jealous of his time - always have been. When it's finally the weekend, I just want to have him home with me. I want to be able to see him and spend time together. Those few hours at work I just don't like. But I guess he woke up too tired or something, because he decided to skip on overtime and just stay home with me. ^_^ We're planning on going shopping today. It'll be nice to take the boys out as a family.
Yesterday I surprised Ben at work by bringing the boys by on his lunch break. He got to cart them around the shop, show us where he worked, and show off his babies to his work friends. He was thrilled. I'll wait a while before I do it again. I'd like the boys to grow up with fun little trips to surprise Daddy. I can't wait for the day that they ask me if we can go see him. Unfortunately, because I hadn't told him we were coming so he could tell others not to leave on lunch, he got in a little bit of trouble with some of his workmates. I'll have to plan my next visit with him knowing so he can let everyone who wants to meet the lil men know we're coming. I'm sure it will create quite the buzz, lol.
Once we got back home, I prepped a couple bottles, and my step-mom called. She was wondering if we were up for surprising my Grandma in the nursing home. So they ate, got packed up, and we carted them down to visit my grandmother, who had yet to meet them. When we got there, Donna woke her up and said she had a surprise for her. Actually, she had two surprises. My grandmother's face just lit up and she let out this "Oooooo!" I have never in my life heard her make a noise like that! She held them and kissed them and just got to snuggle. Once everyone else heard about the boys being there, my grandmother had a few extra visitors, haha! Donna took Darius out and showed him around while I visited and Grandma held Micah. Our visit was shortened when Ducky decided he wasn't happy anymore and just wanted to go to bed. But at least she finally got to see them. I guess she had been talking about them to anyone who would listen. I feel bad that it took so long, but first they weren't going anywhere, then they were too little to visit because there was too much sickness in that place, then Grandma herself got sick. I know we'll go again. Hopefully we'll be able to stay longer next time.
I feel so content right now. I love my life. Yes, it's hard. Yes, it is far more than I ever expected. It takes so much out of me. But I'm still getting in the swing of things. I'll get used to a stage, and then the boys will progress into the next and I'll have to start all over. But I get to watch these beautiful little boys grow. I get to see their smiles and hear their laughs. I get to be splashed when they're just so happy in the tub. I get to help them learn and discover. I get to hear their cries stop when I walk in the room (something they just started and makes me feel so good). These little miracles fill my heart. I have the most important job in the world - I'm training two little boys to become strong, healthy, smart, open-hearted young men. I love these boys. I love my husband. I love being a mommy. Things get hard, and will get harder, and I'll have my bad days. But I'm living the life I always wanted. God has blessed me beyond measure.
I'm mildly bummed. We were supposed to go to our friends' house this afternoon, so that we could have some adult time and a game night and the boys could have a playdate with their daughter. But since the boys still have a cold they asked that we reschedule. I totally get it. I wouldn't want to risk getting the boys sick if they had been supposed to visit someone and their kid had a cold. Still, I'm a little bummed. Hopefully they'll be better so that next Saturday we can go over.
Ben's sort of made up for it, though. He stayed home from work today! He only works a few hours of overtime on Saturdays, but I hate when he goes in. I'm so jealous of his time - always have been. When it's finally the weekend, I just want to have him home with me. I want to be able to see him and spend time together. Those few hours at work I just don't like. But I guess he woke up too tired or something, because he decided to skip on overtime and just stay home with me. ^_^ We're planning on going shopping today. It'll be nice to take the boys out as a family.
Yesterday I surprised Ben at work by bringing the boys by on his lunch break. He got to cart them around the shop, show us where he worked, and show off his babies to his work friends. He was thrilled. I'll wait a while before I do it again. I'd like the boys to grow up with fun little trips to surprise Daddy. I can't wait for the day that they ask me if we can go see him. Unfortunately, because I hadn't told him we were coming so he could tell others not to leave on lunch, he got in a little bit of trouble with some of his workmates. I'll have to plan my next visit with him knowing so he can let everyone who wants to meet the lil men know we're coming. I'm sure it will create quite the buzz, lol.
Once we got back home, I prepped a couple bottles, and my step-mom called. She was wondering if we were up for surprising my Grandma in the nursing home. So they ate, got packed up, and we carted them down to visit my grandmother, who had yet to meet them. When we got there, Donna woke her up and said she had a surprise for her. Actually, she had two surprises. My grandmother's face just lit up and she let out this "Oooooo!" I have never in my life heard her make a noise like that! She held them and kissed them and just got to snuggle. Once everyone else heard about the boys being there, my grandmother had a few extra visitors, haha! Donna took Darius out and showed him around while I visited and Grandma held Micah. Our visit was shortened when Ducky decided he wasn't happy anymore and just wanted to go to bed. But at least she finally got to see them. I guess she had been talking about them to anyone who would listen. I feel bad that it took so long, but first they weren't going anywhere, then they were too little to visit because there was too much sickness in that place, then Grandma herself got sick. I know we'll go again. Hopefully we'll be able to stay longer next time.
I feel so content right now. I love my life. Yes, it's hard. Yes, it is far more than I ever expected. It takes so much out of me. But I'm still getting in the swing of things. I'll get used to a stage, and then the boys will progress into the next and I'll have to start all over. But I get to watch these beautiful little boys grow. I get to see their smiles and hear their laughs. I get to be splashed when they're just so happy in the tub. I get to help them learn and discover. I get to hear their cries stop when I walk in the room (something they just started and makes me feel so good). These little miracles fill my heart. I have the most important job in the world - I'm training two little boys to become strong, healthy, smart, open-hearted young men. I love these boys. I love my husband. I love being a mommy. Things get hard, and will get harder, and I'll have my bad days. But I'm living the life I always wanted. God has blessed me beyond measure.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Going Down In Flames
I have so many people tell me that I'm a good mom. That I'm doing so well, that the babies are flourishing, that they can't believe how well I'm handling things. I just feel that they're wrong. My mum, my mother-in-law, my step-mom, the in-home visitor from the hospital, my friends ... they're all just wrong. They see how great everything is. All is see is what's wrong.
I see a dirty house, a constant state of dishes needing to be done in the sink, mountains of laundry, clutter building exponentially, two little boys who don't get held enough, read to enough, shown black and white pictures to stimulate their brains enough, who desperately need love and attention and cuddles but have a mom who doesn't have enough arms and time to give it to them. I see a husband who comes home to a mess, and a wife who is so tired of baby care that he gets his children thrown at him so she can escape to the kitchen to try to prepare him a good meal. I see a man who works so hard for his family, but doesn't get a break when he gets home because his wife hasn't done dishes and needs him to do them, or just a wife who is so at her wits end that he has to now juggle two babies on his own so she can have five minutes of escape. I see a woman who is failing. Failing in the job she has dreamed of since she was a teenager - the one thing she always wanted - to be a stay-at-home wife and mother.
If this were a regular job, I'd have been fired by now.
I want - need - so desperately to be a good mother, to be proud of my home, to have Ben be proud that I am his wife. And I'm failing. When people tell me that I'm doing well, that I'm a good mom, I just want to scream at them that they're wrong. "Don't you see my house? Don't you see the mess? If you put a camera in my living room and watched me all day, there is no way you would say this!! You'd criticize me! You'd snatch my babies and snuggle them and whisper that you're sorry that I'm their mom. You'd praise Ben for putting up with me. Why can't you see that I'm a failure?!"
I can't keep up. I'm drowning in my shortcomings. I'm embarrassed when people see my house. I'm terrified that my kids will look back and pray they don't end up with a woman like their mom. I'm afraid that one day Ben will wake up and think, "Where did my life turn wrong?"
Maybe I'm just over-emotional because I'm in the midst of my period (yeah, TMI, I don't care.) Maybe I'm experiencing the first clutches of Post-Partum Depression. Maybe I'm wired to only see the bad in myself - it's always been that way. I can't see what I do right. Maybe I'm just having a bad day and need to vent everything out to save my sanity.
Or maybe I'm right.
Dear God in Heaven, please don't let me be right. I can't fail at this job. I can't fail these precious little boys. They need me to be the best mom I can. God, give me the strength and the ability to be that for them. Give me the power to be the wife that Ben deserves. I need You. I need Your strength. You've got to get me through. I can't do it on my own.
I can't let my family down.
I see a dirty house, a constant state of dishes needing to be done in the sink, mountains of laundry, clutter building exponentially, two little boys who don't get held enough, read to enough, shown black and white pictures to stimulate their brains enough, who desperately need love and attention and cuddles but have a mom who doesn't have enough arms and time to give it to them. I see a husband who comes home to a mess, and a wife who is so tired of baby care that he gets his children thrown at him so she can escape to the kitchen to try to prepare him a good meal. I see a man who works so hard for his family, but doesn't get a break when he gets home because his wife hasn't done dishes and needs him to do them, or just a wife who is so at her wits end that he has to now juggle two babies on his own so she can have five minutes of escape. I see a woman who is failing. Failing in the job she has dreamed of since she was a teenager - the one thing she always wanted - to be a stay-at-home wife and mother.
If this were a regular job, I'd have been fired by now.
I want - need - so desperately to be a good mother, to be proud of my home, to have Ben be proud that I am his wife. And I'm failing. When people tell me that I'm doing well, that I'm a good mom, I just want to scream at them that they're wrong. "Don't you see my house? Don't you see the mess? If you put a camera in my living room and watched me all day, there is no way you would say this!! You'd criticize me! You'd snatch my babies and snuggle them and whisper that you're sorry that I'm their mom. You'd praise Ben for putting up with me. Why can't you see that I'm a failure?!"
I can't keep up. I'm drowning in my shortcomings. I'm embarrassed when people see my house. I'm terrified that my kids will look back and pray they don't end up with a woman like their mom. I'm afraid that one day Ben will wake up and think, "Where did my life turn wrong?"
Maybe I'm just over-emotional because I'm in the midst of my period (yeah, TMI, I don't care.) Maybe I'm experiencing the first clutches of Post-Partum Depression. Maybe I'm wired to only see the bad in myself - it's always been that way. I can't see what I do right. Maybe I'm just having a bad day and need to vent everything out to save my sanity.
Or maybe I'm right.
Dear God in Heaven, please don't let me be right. I can't fail at this job. I can't fail these precious little boys. They need me to be the best mom I can. God, give me the strength and the ability to be that for them. Give me the power to be the wife that Ben deserves. I need You. I need Your strength. You've got to get me through. I can't do it on my own.
I can't let my family down.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Paging Dr. Acula
First experience with sick babes! Not something I was looking forward to, but as Ben kept saying, they have to get sick sometime. :( Doesn't mean I have to like it! Poor munchkins. Luckily it's not anything too bad. They just have a cold/virus. It started with Darry on Friday. A very croupy sounding cough. By Sunday, I called the Pediatrician to make sure that he didn't need to be seen immediately. After keeping an eye on him for Sunday, I took him in yesterday morning. Luckily it hadn't gotten into his ears or lungs - just nose congestion. This morning he's sounding SO much better, but Mikey is catching up on the congestion. Hopefully I won't have two miserable babies on my hands!! Darius has stayed pretty cheerful throughout. Micah is the grumpy man, though. I'll see how he deals with his first cold.
My mum came up this weekend to see the boys. Unfortunately she caught the stomach bug that had been going around and missed her Monday morning flight. She's back home now, and hopefully feeling much better! Saturday she took Ben and I to Olive Garden (hadn't been there since we went with Jon and Maria - when she was still pregnant! Elijah is 10/11 months now!!) after she and I had the boys out shopping pretty much all day Saturday. Sunday was a home day - just cleaning/laundry/baby care. She got sick in the afternoon, and was able to sleep pretty much all day Monday. Just hoping Ben or I don't wind up a third round of stomach bug after her stay! It was just awful.
Today was supposed to be a Mom's Group day, but with the boys being sick I didn't want to run the risk of getting any of the other babies sick, so I just kept them home. I'm bummed, but it's not like this was my last chance to go. I've got another 5 years to look forward to! At least we're still able to go to Cassie's later for lunch and a movie. Adults having a cold don't get quite so miserable as little ones do. Plus, Auntie Cassie works at a school. I think her immune system is pretty used to exposure to colds, lol. The one minor worry I have is Lillie - her dog. Lillie's never been around babies, but Cassie said that if she gets bad, she'll lock her in another room. I hope Lillie doesn't mind babies! She's going to have to get used to them sooner or later. ;)
Sunday into Monday I got a grand total of 2 1/2 hours of sleep. I just wasn't tired in the slightest, and luckily I didn't start getting tired until the evening on Monday. Sleep last night was great though! And when Duck man (Darius) woke up at 3, Ben graciously got up with him. He knew I hadn't gotten much sleep on Monday, so he wanted me to catch up. Such a wonderful hubby I have!! Monkey (Micah) woke up at 4, and I got up with him. Both boys ate quickly and went right back to sleep though. And they didn't get up until 8:45! They really are rock star sleepers. We're so lucky. I just hope that they manage to stay through-the-night sleepers. I hear it goes away sometimes...
Well, Monkey is grumping in his bouncey, and Mama needs a shower. Guess that means this blog is done.
My mum came up this weekend to see the boys. Unfortunately she caught the stomach bug that had been going around and missed her Monday morning flight. She's back home now, and hopefully feeling much better! Saturday she took Ben and I to Olive Garden (hadn't been there since we went with Jon and Maria - when she was still pregnant! Elijah is 10/11 months now!!) after she and I had the boys out shopping pretty much all day Saturday. Sunday was a home day - just cleaning/laundry/baby care. She got sick in the afternoon, and was able to sleep pretty much all day Monday. Just hoping Ben or I don't wind up a third round of stomach bug after her stay! It was just awful.
Today was supposed to be a Mom's Group day, but with the boys being sick I didn't want to run the risk of getting any of the other babies sick, so I just kept them home. I'm bummed, but it's not like this was my last chance to go. I've got another 5 years to look forward to! At least we're still able to go to Cassie's later for lunch and a movie. Adults having a cold don't get quite so miserable as little ones do. Plus, Auntie Cassie works at a school. I think her immune system is pretty used to exposure to colds, lol. The one minor worry I have is Lillie - her dog. Lillie's never been around babies, but Cassie said that if she gets bad, she'll lock her in another room. I hope Lillie doesn't mind babies! She's going to have to get used to them sooner or later. ;)
Sunday into Monday I got a grand total of 2 1/2 hours of sleep. I just wasn't tired in the slightest, and luckily I didn't start getting tired until the evening on Monday. Sleep last night was great though! And when Duck man (Darius) woke up at 3, Ben graciously got up with him. He knew I hadn't gotten much sleep on Monday, so he wanted me to catch up. Such a wonderful hubby I have!! Monkey (Micah) woke up at 4, and I got up with him. Both boys ate quickly and went right back to sleep though. And they didn't get up until 8:45! They really are rock star sleepers. We're so lucky. I just hope that they manage to stay through-the-night sleepers. I hear it goes away sometimes...
Well, Monkey is grumping in his bouncey, and Mama needs a shower. Guess that means this blog is done.
Friday, April 8, 2011
Down the Rabbit Hole
I'm sitting here at 6 in the morning, tooling around on the interwebs as my babes sleep. After getting up at 4 when Micah started crying for a bottle, and then getting back up around 5 (after lying down for 2 minutes, woo!) when Darius decided it was time for him to eat too, I decided there wasn't much use to going back to sleep when I'm feeling wide awake and have nearly finished the cup of coffee Ben prepared for me before he left. While I love being up with Ben in the morning (I get to see a little more of him this way!!), I'm awful about missing sleep. I just get so grumpy when I'm tired. Though we go to bed when the babies do (typically around 8/8:30, sheesh!) I find that when 4/5 rolls around and I've had a good 8 hours of sleep, I still feel tired. Honestly, I should be doing the mountain of dishes in the kitchen, but I just don't feel like it. Like I said, I'm pretty grumpy in the mornings.
After having a dear (close, then lost, then close, then lost, now very happily reunited) friend of mine comment that I needed to update my pregnancy blog, I decided to just make a new one. I couldn't see the point in updating when I would just want to revamp for this newest stage in life. Besides, I like the layout of my preggo blog. I'ma just leave it the way it is. Completely unfinished. ... Hmm ... maybe I will update at some point. At the very least, I can type up my birth story. What fun that was!! ha...
Anyways, I don't think I have a real point to this blog. It's more just for my thoughts, my life, a chronicle of the boys. Allowing strangers to have access to my kids' pictures is super unsettling for me, so don't plan on seeing pics posted here. If I was paranoid before babies, I'm SUPER paranoid now. Don't touch my kid in the grocery store. Don't come near them if you're sick. And for the dear Lord's sakes, don't ask me if you can have one! Ben jokes to people that we've got two, we have an extra to give away. But, uh uhhh, Mama don't play that game. Sorry. They're mine. Go make your own.
I suppose in the future my blogs will be a bit more introspective. Right now it's just rambling thoughts of a tired Mama. One of my little men is making noises in the nursery, so I'm sure he'll be up soon. Sounds like as good a time as any to sign off. Til next time.
After having a dear (close, then lost, then close, then lost, now very happily reunited) friend of mine comment that I needed to update my pregnancy blog, I decided to just make a new one. I couldn't see the point in updating when I would just want to revamp for this newest stage in life. Besides, I like the layout of my preggo blog. I'ma just leave it the way it is. Completely unfinished. ... Hmm ... maybe I will update at some point. At the very least, I can type up my birth story. What fun that was!! ha...
Anyways, I don't think I have a real point to this blog. It's more just for my thoughts, my life, a chronicle of the boys. Allowing strangers to have access to my kids' pictures is super unsettling for me, so don't plan on seeing pics posted here. If I was paranoid before babies, I'm SUPER paranoid now. Don't touch my kid in the grocery store. Don't come near them if you're sick. And for the dear Lord's sakes, don't ask me if you can have one! Ben jokes to people that we've got two, we have an extra to give away. But, uh uhhh, Mama don't play that game. Sorry. They're mine. Go make your own.
I suppose in the future my blogs will be a bit more introspective. Right now it's just rambling thoughts of a tired Mama. One of my little men is making noises in the nursery, so I'm sure he'll be up soon. Sounds like as good a time as any to sign off. Til next time.
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