I've had so much on my mind that I wanted to write about, but of course I've forgotten just about all of it. I really need to start keeping a little notepad with me, so I can write things down. Not just for this, but for everything in life - tasks I want to accomplish, things we need at the store, funny stories I want to tell Ben (these I usually remember once we've gotten into bed and are ready to go to sleep). As my mommy friends have agreed, pregnancy brain sticks around after the baby is born. I swear they steal your brain cells so that you're just a little more stupid once they're here. And I've heard it gets worse with each one. I think for the safety of my brain, I need to not have any more kids...
The boys are growing so fast. I can't believe they're almost 5 months old! Darius is still the little bruiser. He's my gross motor boy. Not only does he flip from back to belly and belly to back, I watched him pull himself forward on his arms the other day. I swear this child is going to be crawling any day now. He loves to jump when you've got him standing on your lap. It makes him absolutely crack up laughing. I had him leaning back on my arm so I could feed him, and he actually sat up on his own. Of course, the effort of pulling himself into a sitting position with his stomach muscles used a little too much momentum and he went flopping forward. But I'm pretty sure he'll be sitting on his own soon too. The one problem with him being able to roll over is that he sometimes smacks his head on the floor when he goes from belly to back. This kid has got to have one tough noggin. And his newest thing is to wake up at all hours of the night and talk to himself. Then he rolls over and goes back to sleep. It's so cute. And as long as he's quiet, I'm good. Ben's heard it more than I have; I sleep through it. Sometimes when he talks, he sounds like a duck. He's got such a low voice for a baby! Mikey's is higher pitched, and D's got this slight gravely-ness to his voice. I love to hear him chatter.
Lil Mymy has figured out how to flip from his belly to his back, and can go from back to belly only when he's in his bouncy chair. We have to buckle him in whenever he sits in it. I'm so nervous he'll wind up rolling completely out of the chair. He still chatters up a storm, though Ducky has caught up to his babbling. They'll talk to each other if they're facing each other lying down, but I haven't seen them do it while in chairs. The one problem with having a social-emotional child is that he wants to be involved in everything. He hates when you leave him alone (though now his brother is an acceptable playmate. Unlike before, he'll be ok if you put the two of them in a playpen and leave the room), and he is now fighting sleep like you wouldn't believe. It took an hour to get him to go down last night. We've had to resort to cry-it-out on occasion. As long as we know he's fed and dry and safe, it has to be done. He'll eventually learn that bedtime is bedtime and there's no changing that. At least I hope so. His new thing is to scream bloody murder at the drop of a hat. It's his new cry - beyond high pitched and makes you feel like your ears are about to bleed. In fact he was sleeping in his bouncy and startled himself awake. He immediately began screaming so much that I thought he was in pain. But once I picked him up, he stopped and settled back to sleep. I hate when he cries like that. There was one day that he did it so much I was ready to take him to the hospital. It sounds just like the pain cry they used to have. I really hope he gets over crying like that. It's awful.
I've tried cereal a couple more times, but they don't seem to like it much. I can't get them to even take a tablespoon of it in one sitting. I know it's not a necessity for them to eat solids yet, but I want to give them new experiences. I don't like that they pretty much go through the same thing everyday. I know babies love repetition, but I know that new things help their brains develop. We're going to the doctor today for their four month check up and shots (5 days before they turn 5 months. Don't get me started on this), and I'm going to ask if they have to be on cereal for a full week before we start with vegetables. I'm wondering if flavor will get them more interested. And they've had cereal in their bottles for quite a while now, so it's not like they haven't experienced it at all. I also need to ask about poor Duck Man's back. It's so dry and almost scaly. I don't know if it's a rash or just really bad dry skin, but I'm hoping we can do something about it. Ben thinks it's heat rash. I suppose it's possible, but I didn't think it had gotten hot enough for that to happen.
The boys are so young, but already our summer is so busy! We've got birthdays coming up, staycations with the church, beach days... and, of course, Bing and Erin's wedding (squee!). I can't even imagine how much busier summers will be when they get older. I love my little men, but I'm so excited for when they're older and we can go on vacations and make memories. There's great things about every age. Ben says that in his mind they're 20 and moved out, but I think that's just him joking. They're at the age where we can (kind of) play with them, and get them to laugh, and I know he loves that. He comes home and immediately picks one of them up and just holds him for a while. In fact, when they stayed with my parents this weekend, Ben said he missed them when he woke up the next morning. He's started taking them for walks after dinner. I know he loves his boys. And I think as they get older, it will just get easier to love them. Each stage will bring something new to adore, and we'll get to relive things as they experience them for the first time. I can't wait to take them to the aquarium or the zoo or museums. I can't wait to see their eyes light up for the first time (though the concentration face is so adorable right now). I love my boys. Helping them grow is so fun, and I know it's just going to get better.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Monday, June 13, 2011
Penny For Your Thoughts, Oh No, I'll Sell Them For A Dollar
I don't like when it takes me a while to get to blog again. I feel like there are so many things that I intended to write that I just forget. But every time I wanted to, one or both of my little men decided to act up and need Mommy's attention.
They seem to be doing well on the medication. It's been nearly 2 weeks, and while they are eating more than they had been, they're still not quite to where they need to be. Two days they got about 27 ounces, which was awesome, but we haven't seen that for a while. I think yesterday they were both around 22/24. Then again, they had been in the nursery at church in the morning, and I think that if they had been at home we would have wound up feeding them more. I don't blame the nursery workers, though. They had 7 or 8 kids in there! I can't ask them to concentrate on my two when they've got so many to look after! Including another set of twins!
I'm hoping that we'll just keep getting better as far as intake is concerned. I'm trying my hardest not to stress about it. While I want them to get to the 30/32 ounce minimum, I know that they are gaining weight properly. As long as they're not staying the same or losing, I'm not going to freak out. Mainly because when I do, I tend to force-feed, and I don't want the boys to learn to eat when they're not hungry. I know it's a problem with formula fed babies, and if they learn the American way of eating not solely based on hunger, then they will have a higher risk of childhood obesity and juvenile diabetes. And I don't even want to think about going down that road. If I'm stressed out now, I can't even imagine how I would be then!
Saturday night I was taking Ducky out of the tub and I had him standing while I held his hands. His feet slipped backwards and his face smacked into the lip of the tub wall. One moment of shock and the screaming started. I was surprisingly calm and just set to calming him. When I pulled him from my shoulder, I saw the blood coming from his mouth. Poor little boy. Everything seems to happen to him. He was the one who had a hard time being delivered (and wound up with a bruise that covered his entire forehead from the vacuum), and he was the one to roll off the bed at only a few weeks. It just seems like if anyone is going to get hurt, it's my Duck Man. Ben came in and took him from me (only because he thought I would be freaking out) and told me to go feed Mymy. Darius seemed to calm right down once Daddy had him. Ben checked his mouth, and said that there was a cut where his upper lip met the gums. While I wasn't too worried about it, Ben was concerned about the risk of infection, so I called the pediatrician. Whoever it was that called me back said that the risk of infection in the mouth is very low, and it will show by fever, redness, or swelling in the first 48 hours. He then said that we would be fine to treat at home with a cold compress and Tylenol. My first encounter with my son bleeding, and I think I handled it pretty well.
Of course, that got me upset later. I wound up crying to Ben that I fear I don't love them enough. After all, if I was a "normal" Mommy, I'd have been freaking out that he was hurt ... wouldn't I? While I do have my head-over-heels-crazy-parent-love moments with them, they are not a consistent, or even daily thing. I guess my biggest fear right now is that they will grow to feel that I don't love them. When I was hanging out with Cassie on Friday, I told her how we're going to Bing and Erin's wedding at Loon Mountain in August, and we're going to have to stay 2 nights because of the minimums the hotels have, so the boys will be spending the weekend at Granny Grace and Grampy Jack's. She was in shock that I would leave them for the weekend, and asked how I could do it. For me, it's such an exciting thing. I can't wait to have a whole weekend for just me and Ben. I explained that we've had a baby free night at least once a week since the boys have been born, so I'm pretty much used to it. Of course, this is the first time we'll actually be going away instead of just being at home, so I really have no idea how I'll be when I'm so far from them. ... But that's part of what makes me question myself. If I "truly" loved them, wouldn't I be anxious about leaving them for a weekend? Or is it that I've had so many nights without them to prep myself for the prospect of going away? I've never been a parent before, so I can only judge by how I've seen others do it. I know everyone is different, but I worry that I'm not doing anything right. Even loving my kids.
My main prayer for right now is that if I were to be able to bond more easily to another child, or feel "in-love" with them all the time, or just overall have an easier time loving on them, that God would not give us any more children. As much as I have that dream of a daughter in the back of my head (and God knows the desire to have a little girl), I would rather go without her than to have one or both of my sons feel that I love her more than them. Or even if we were to wind up with another boy, I don't want either of them to think that I love their little brother more than them. I know the dynamic is completely different with each of your children, but I don't ever want to hurt Mikey or Darius by having them feel that I love someone else more than them. So that is the cry of my heart right now - Lord, do not give us any more children if I will have an easier time feeling my love for them.
I really do stress about everything...
Saturday was the fifth Particle Accelerator. It was, unfortunately, a dreary and cold day. We didn't have as good a turnout as last year, but it still seemed to go well. My dad wrote a song called "Choose Life" and performed it at the event. It was beautiful, and I cried from the first line. He had been so nervous, since he hadn't performed in about 15 years, but he did an absolutely amazing job. I'm hoping he'll sing it again next year. :)
I think I've babbled long enough. Since the boys are sleeping, I may try to do a little reading. Ben had gotten me so many books for Mother's Day, and I haven't gotten through a single one. Father's Day is this Sunday! I'm so excited. :)
They seem to be doing well on the medication. It's been nearly 2 weeks, and while they are eating more than they had been, they're still not quite to where they need to be. Two days they got about 27 ounces, which was awesome, but we haven't seen that for a while. I think yesterday they were both around 22/24. Then again, they had been in the nursery at church in the morning, and I think that if they had been at home we would have wound up feeding them more. I don't blame the nursery workers, though. They had 7 or 8 kids in there! I can't ask them to concentrate on my two when they've got so many to look after! Including another set of twins!
I'm hoping that we'll just keep getting better as far as intake is concerned. I'm trying my hardest not to stress about it. While I want them to get to the 30/32 ounce minimum, I know that they are gaining weight properly. As long as they're not staying the same or losing, I'm not going to freak out. Mainly because when I do, I tend to force-feed, and I don't want the boys to learn to eat when they're not hungry. I know it's a problem with formula fed babies, and if they learn the American way of eating not solely based on hunger, then they will have a higher risk of childhood obesity and juvenile diabetes. And I don't even want to think about going down that road. If I'm stressed out now, I can't even imagine how I would be then!
Saturday night I was taking Ducky out of the tub and I had him standing while I held his hands. His feet slipped backwards and his face smacked into the lip of the tub wall. One moment of shock and the screaming started. I was surprisingly calm and just set to calming him. When I pulled him from my shoulder, I saw the blood coming from his mouth. Poor little boy. Everything seems to happen to him. He was the one who had a hard time being delivered (and wound up with a bruise that covered his entire forehead from the vacuum), and he was the one to roll off the bed at only a few weeks. It just seems like if anyone is going to get hurt, it's my Duck Man. Ben came in and took him from me (only because he thought I would be freaking out) and told me to go feed Mymy. Darius seemed to calm right down once Daddy had him. Ben checked his mouth, and said that there was a cut where his upper lip met the gums. While I wasn't too worried about it, Ben was concerned about the risk of infection, so I called the pediatrician. Whoever it was that called me back said that the risk of infection in the mouth is very low, and it will show by fever, redness, or swelling in the first 48 hours. He then said that we would be fine to treat at home with a cold compress and Tylenol. My first encounter with my son bleeding, and I think I handled it pretty well.
Of course, that got me upset later. I wound up crying to Ben that I fear I don't love them enough. After all, if I was a "normal" Mommy, I'd have been freaking out that he was hurt ... wouldn't I? While I do have my head-over-heels-crazy-parent-love moments with them, they are not a consistent, or even daily thing. I guess my biggest fear right now is that they will grow to feel that I don't love them. When I was hanging out with Cassie on Friday, I told her how we're going to Bing and Erin's wedding at Loon Mountain in August, and we're going to have to stay 2 nights because of the minimums the hotels have, so the boys will be spending the weekend at Granny Grace and Grampy Jack's. She was in shock that I would leave them for the weekend, and asked how I could do it. For me, it's such an exciting thing. I can't wait to have a whole weekend for just me and Ben. I explained that we've had a baby free night at least once a week since the boys have been born, so I'm pretty much used to it. Of course, this is the first time we'll actually be going away instead of just being at home, so I really have no idea how I'll be when I'm so far from them. ... But that's part of what makes me question myself. If I "truly" loved them, wouldn't I be anxious about leaving them for a weekend? Or is it that I've had so many nights without them to prep myself for the prospect of going away? I've never been a parent before, so I can only judge by how I've seen others do it. I know everyone is different, but I worry that I'm not doing anything right. Even loving my kids.
My main prayer for right now is that if I were to be able to bond more easily to another child, or feel "in-love" with them all the time, or just overall have an easier time loving on them, that God would not give us any more children. As much as I have that dream of a daughter in the back of my head (and God knows the desire to have a little girl), I would rather go without her than to have one or both of my sons feel that I love her more than them. Or even if we were to wind up with another boy, I don't want either of them to think that I love their little brother more than them. I know the dynamic is completely different with each of your children, but I don't ever want to hurt Mikey or Darius by having them feel that I love someone else more than them. So that is the cry of my heart right now - Lord, do not give us any more children if I will have an easier time feeling my love for them.
I really do stress about everything...
Saturday was the fifth Particle Accelerator. It was, unfortunately, a dreary and cold day. We didn't have as good a turnout as last year, but it still seemed to go well. My dad wrote a song called "Choose Life" and performed it at the event. It was beautiful, and I cried from the first line. He had been so nervous, since he hadn't performed in about 15 years, but he did an absolutely amazing job. I'm hoping he'll sing it again next year. :)
I think I've babbled long enough. Since the boys are sleeping, I may try to do a little reading. Ben had gotten me so many books for Mother's Day, and I haven't gotten through a single one. Father's Day is this Sunday! I'm so excited. :)
Friday, June 3, 2011
By research, do you mean Glamour magazine? Because I read that article, too.
What a crazy week it's been. Last weekend my mum came up to visit with us, and she is a force of nature! For four days she was a whirlwind and accomplished more than we could have in a week. I can't believe the mountains of laundry that she did, the pile of dishes, steam-cleaning the floors (so they are also sterilized), and general tidying. Our bedroom looks fantastic. The bathroom is amazing. I love having a fresh, clean kitchen. There is still some de-cluttering that needs to be done, but I am so appreciative of how wonderful she made the apartment look.
The first day she came up we went to get portraits done at Sears. I, of course, dressed the boys in their pirate skull onesies from John and Melissa, and they looked AWESOME in them! We got some of the cutest pictures. Mum insisted we go back Sunday (since we'd had more prints to pick out) with the boys in different outfits because she wanted a certain pose. She admitted afterward that she wanted them in non-pirate wear for the picture she wanted to hang. I still prefer my pirate boys. (I can't wait for their hair to be long enough to faux-hawk!)
For the boys' first Memorial Day, it rained all morning. It was a disappointment because they cancelled the parade. I wanted to take them to it, and it was the first year that Particle Accelerator would have a float. Ben's family was disappointed. I can't believe Particle is one week away. And it's the fifth year running! I can only hope that it does better than ever (last year was the best year yet!). I don't know how many people they've reached, but I truly believe that many people are touched and saved by the benefit concert to raise money for suicide prevention and awareness. This is the first year that Sam's family will be a part of it. It's going to be a hard day for them. I hope my mother-in-law can help Ginny. They just had to go through their fourth anniversary of Jack's death. It will never be easier, but somehow it becomes more tolerable. At least I hope so. It would have been his 31st birthday...
Anyways, Tuesday we had Liz and Natalya-Rose's baby sprinkle! She is such a beautiful baby. The boys were mostly behaved, but it was outside and hot, and they don't appreciate being too warm. Those two hours were great, though. It was almost like having a mini mom's group! Missy was a wonderful hostess, and she really pulled off a great event. (Of course, I brought the brownies and cookies while everyone else had fruit dishes!! I laughed about it later with Ben.)
Wednesday the boys did not do well with eating. Ben came home, and Micah had only had 8 1/2 ounces of formula, while Darius had only had 11. I called the pediatrician and they had us come in at 7:30. I couldn't believe how much they spat up while we were there. I had never seen them spit up like that. They were super grumpy, since it was bedtime, but they did well. We left the appointment surprised to find that even with their eating issues, the boys had gained a pound each in two weeks, and with medication (FINALLY) for them! We're on day two of the meds, and I'm not sure yet how they're doing. I was told by a friend that it can take a week to work, so I'm willing to give it time. For now we're keeping the upper GI appointments (to rule out any anatomy issues) and praying that the Zantac will work for them. They didn't eat so well yesterday, but it was definitely better than the day before. And Mikey wouldn't settle in the middle of the night (after having 7 1/2 ounces before bed! He hasn't eaten like that in a long time!) so Ben got up and fed him another 4 ounces. I hope things get better for them. I hate when they're not feeling well.
I'm surprised I was able to get all this down. I thought I'd have to step away from the blog to tend to the boys, as they hadn't woken yet and it's after 6. But I hear Ducky chirping in his crib, so I guess I've finished right on time!
The first day she came up we went to get portraits done at Sears. I, of course, dressed the boys in their pirate skull onesies from John and Melissa, and they looked AWESOME in them! We got some of the cutest pictures. Mum insisted we go back Sunday (since we'd had more prints to pick out) with the boys in different outfits because she wanted a certain pose. She admitted afterward that she wanted them in non-pirate wear for the picture she wanted to hang. I still prefer my pirate boys. (I can't wait for their hair to be long enough to faux-hawk!)
For the boys' first Memorial Day, it rained all morning. It was a disappointment because they cancelled the parade. I wanted to take them to it, and it was the first year that Particle Accelerator would have a float. Ben's family was disappointed. I can't believe Particle is one week away. And it's the fifth year running! I can only hope that it does better than ever (last year was the best year yet!). I don't know how many people they've reached, but I truly believe that many people are touched and saved by the benefit concert to raise money for suicide prevention and awareness. This is the first year that Sam's family will be a part of it. It's going to be a hard day for them. I hope my mother-in-law can help Ginny. They just had to go through their fourth anniversary of Jack's death. It will never be easier, but somehow it becomes more tolerable. At least I hope so. It would have been his 31st birthday...
Anyways, Tuesday we had Liz and Natalya-Rose's baby sprinkle! She is such a beautiful baby. The boys were mostly behaved, but it was outside and hot, and they don't appreciate being too warm. Those two hours were great, though. It was almost like having a mini mom's group! Missy was a wonderful hostess, and she really pulled off a great event. (Of course, I brought the brownies and cookies while everyone else had fruit dishes!! I laughed about it later with Ben.)
Wednesday the boys did not do well with eating. Ben came home, and Micah had only had 8 1/2 ounces of formula, while Darius had only had 11. I called the pediatrician and they had us come in at 7:30. I couldn't believe how much they spat up while we were there. I had never seen them spit up like that. They were super grumpy, since it was bedtime, but they did well. We left the appointment surprised to find that even with their eating issues, the boys had gained a pound each in two weeks, and with medication (FINALLY) for them! We're on day two of the meds, and I'm not sure yet how they're doing. I was told by a friend that it can take a week to work, so I'm willing to give it time. For now we're keeping the upper GI appointments (to rule out any anatomy issues) and praying that the Zantac will work for them. They didn't eat so well yesterday, but it was definitely better than the day before. And Mikey wouldn't settle in the middle of the night (after having 7 1/2 ounces before bed! He hasn't eaten like that in a long time!) so Ben got up and fed him another 4 ounces. I hope things get better for them. I hate when they're not feeling well.
I'm surprised I was able to get all this down. I thought I'd have to step away from the blog to tend to the boys, as they hadn't woken yet and it's after 6. But I hear Ducky chirping in his crib, so I guess I've finished right on time!
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
I Fear You Are Underestimating The Sneakiness, Sir
I finally got some kind of answer about the boys' upper GIs. After waiting until Thursday to start my daily calls (after the appointment had been on Monday...), and getting "oh, I see you've already called" on Friday (ugh! Yes, I already called. But no one called me back. Do you not understand the I'm going to call til I get an answer thing? Cuz I'm sure I'm not the first Mom to try it!), I decided to try being a little sneaky on Monday. (You know, cuz it's not like I'd been waiting a whole week for some kind of answer...) Since the boys are four months on Friday (SOB!) I called the ped center to ask about feedings. When the nurse called me back (since they always answer for a question like that) I asked her if it would be ok to start cereal, since that's the age I had been reading online was the typical start time. She said it should be fine, then asked a few questions. When she asked if they spat up, I told her that we think they have acid reflux and are waiting for upper GI appointments. She said that they don't suggest starting cereal until that is figured out, because it can make it worse (which is weird, since they tell you to put cereal in their bottles...), and then said she would look into the appointments for me. When she called back a few hours later, she told me that she'd sent the referral to UMASS (a whole week and they hadn't even sent the referral yet!!! ARGH!) and to give them until the end of this week to contact me to make the appointment. So at least we're getting somewhere. I'm still beyond frustrated though. At least she gave me their number, so I can call them Friday. I just want to get the boys seen. I hate this.
So, a little sneakiness paid off. I don't care. I'll do what I have to to take care of my boys. Speaking of which, Monkey's getting fussy so I think he needs to eat. SUPER SHORT BLOOOOOOGGGG! Yeah... later.
So, a little sneakiness paid off. I don't care. I'll do what I have to to take care of my boys. Speaking of which, Monkey's getting fussy so I think he needs to eat. SUPER SHORT BLOOOOOOGGGG! Yeah... later.
Friday, May 20, 2011
"I'm not tossing the baby out with the bathwater here" "I've totally done that"
Again, it's been a while since I've posted. This time due more to stress than anything else. We've been having such issues with the boys. I took them to the doctor (since they've had this cold for well over a month, and all the issues we're having with feedings) and she gave us nebulizers to break up the congestion of the cold, and wants to make appointments for upper GIs to diagnose reflux in the babies. Due to my history of moderate to severe acid reflux, she's pretty sure that's what it is, but we have to wait for the tests in order to get any kind of medicine. As of right now, we don't even have a date on the appointment. I'm calling them every day until I get some kind of resolution. I don't even know what STATE the appointment will be in. They may send us out of state to one of the bigger hospitals. I'm just so upset, because they are having such problems. Ben nearly drove Darius to the ER the other day, because the boy was screaming in pain for so long. It's a fight to get them to eat, and yesterday they only had about 20 ounces. That's it. I've been told at this age the minimum they should be eating is 30. What am I supposed to do? If I try to feed them when they aren't crying for it, they will not eat. Even when they ARE crying for it, they don't eat much. I'm so frustrated. I worry about their brains developing properly, about their growth. If I can't get them to take at least 6 ounces before going to bed, they're up every hour. We have to keep going down and giving them their binkies. And they fall right back to sleep. So it's not even like we could feed them more. They'd just pass out in the first few sips.
I'm getting run down. My lungs started hurting again, I wake with a headache (today was migraine level pain) just about every day, I'm getting body aches - maybe from getting sick, or perhaps just how I'm sleeping. When I actually sleep, I fall so quickly into such a deep sleep that my body doesn't move. I'll usually turn over a few times during the night, which I think keeps my muscles a little loose. When I stay in the same position all night, I wake up feeling sore and hurt all day long. I've gotten to the point where I'm sleeping through them crying because I'm just that tired, and poor Ben jumps up to take care of them until he's so wiped he has to wake me. This morning he came to wake me up because Micah was at the point of hunger and not just fussy for a binky, and I was in so much pain from my headache, and it felt like I'd only slept a few hours. I truly thought it was midnight. I looked at the clock and saw it was 4:45 - normal wake up time for one of them. I'd slept all night, and it felt like I hadn't really slept at all. It was a bad morning. Mikey ate fine, but then was awake and just so babbly. All I wanted was for him to go back to bed so I could try to get a few more hours and hopefully be more awake/in less pain by the time I got up again. At 5:30, he was ready to go back to bed, so I got him down, laid down myself, and slept another one and a half hours. My headache is less, but still so very there, and both boys are currently napping again.
We've tried cereal in the bottles to help with the spit up/reflux, but then the problem was that the nipples would get clogged, and they would scream out of hunger and frustration. Ben bought cereal nipples, and they couldn't suck hard enough to get the Y-cut to open. Again, screams of hunger and frustration. No more cereal in the bottles, but they only have really bad spit up on occasion. They'll spit up almost every feeding, but it seems to be less (especially since they're on the soy - the doctor wants them to stay on soy for now). The biggest problem we have with them (especially at night - I read that GERD symptoms tend to be worse at night, joy) is the arching and pain cries. Ducky usually does the screaming, Mikey just arches so bad he nearly tosses himself out of your arms/the chair (he would if he wasn't strapped in), and doesn't want to eat. Infants with GERD either want to eat all the time (it soothes the pain as they're sucking) or very little (the food agitates the reflux). It seems like they go back and forth with it, but mostly don't want to eat. They're gaining weight ok, and I think that makes the doctor feel like it's a slight enough case that they can take their time with it. I'm sorry, but hearing my kids scream and watching them arch so much I wonder if they're going to snap in half is NOT something I can keep doing day after day! I know what it's like to have a fire in your chest. To be so hungry it starts the reflux, and then have it continue because you've eaten. They're just babies. They shouldn't have to suffer. I'm so upset, but I can't make them give me medicine. But I can call them day after day until they get so annoyed they give me the appointment. The boys need to be seen. I need to have them not be in pain all the time.
The weather is not helping. I want to take them outside on walks - get us all some fresh air and get me out of cabin fever mode. But the dreary, rainy, somewhat chilly weather keeps us homebound and I hate it. I hate being cooped up. Adding insult to injury, it just makes me antsy and, I feel, tends to make me get frustrated easier. I have no outlet except for complaining on facebook, and don't get me started on that. I hate feeling like all I do is tell the world I hate my children. I love them, but what we're going through is stressful and I don't know how to handle it. I honestly think that some of my FB friends think I hate my kids. I just need to get it out, for fear I'll explode otherwise. Maybe facebook isn't the best outlet, but I don't think feel like I have any other way.
This is just a phase. It will come to an end. I keep reminding myself that this will not last forever, even though it feels like it will sometimes. Eventually this will just be a memory. One day the boys won't scream every time they eat. ... One day...
I'm getting run down. My lungs started hurting again, I wake with a headache (today was migraine level pain) just about every day, I'm getting body aches - maybe from getting sick, or perhaps just how I'm sleeping. When I actually sleep, I fall so quickly into such a deep sleep that my body doesn't move. I'll usually turn over a few times during the night, which I think keeps my muscles a little loose. When I stay in the same position all night, I wake up feeling sore and hurt all day long. I've gotten to the point where I'm sleeping through them crying because I'm just that tired, and poor Ben jumps up to take care of them until he's so wiped he has to wake me. This morning he came to wake me up because Micah was at the point of hunger and not just fussy for a binky, and I was in so much pain from my headache, and it felt like I'd only slept a few hours. I truly thought it was midnight. I looked at the clock and saw it was 4:45 - normal wake up time for one of them. I'd slept all night, and it felt like I hadn't really slept at all. It was a bad morning. Mikey ate fine, but then was awake and just so babbly. All I wanted was for him to go back to bed so I could try to get a few more hours and hopefully be more awake/in less pain by the time I got up again. At 5:30, he was ready to go back to bed, so I got him down, laid down myself, and slept another one and a half hours. My headache is less, but still so very there, and both boys are currently napping again.
We've tried cereal in the bottles to help with the spit up/reflux, but then the problem was that the nipples would get clogged, and they would scream out of hunger and frustration. Ben bought cereal nipples, and they couldn't suck hard enough to get the Y-cut to open. Again, screams of hunger and frustration. No more cereal in the bottles, but they only have really bad spit up on occasion. They'll spit up almost every feeding, but it seems to be less (especially since they're on the soy - the doctor wants them to stay on soy for now). The biggest problem we have with them (especially at night - I read that GERD symptoms tend to be worse at night, joy) is the arching and pain cries. Ducky usually does the screaming, Mikey just arches so bad he nearly tosses himself out of your arms/the chair (he would if he wasn't strapped in), and doesn't want to eat. Infants with GERD either want to eat all the time (it soothes the pain as they're sucking) or very little (the food agitates the reflux). It seems like they go back and forth with it, but mostly don't want to eat. They're gaining weight ok, and I think that makes the doctor feel like it's a slight enough case that they can take their time with it. I'm sorry, but hearing my kids scream and watching them arch so much I wonder if they're going to snap in half is NOT something I can keep doing day after day! I know what it's like to have a fire in your chest. To be so hungry it starts the reflux, and then have it continue because you've eaten. They're just babies. They shouldn't have to suffer. I'm so upset, but I can't make them give me medicine. But I can call them day after day until they get so annoyed they give me the appointment. The boys need to be seen. I need to have them not be in pain all the time.
The weather is not helping. I want to take them outside on walks - get us all some fresh air and get me out of cabin fever mode. But the dreary, rainy, somewhat chilly weather keeps us homebound and I hate it. I hate being cooped up. Adding insult to injury, it just makes me antsy and, I feel, tends to make me get frustrated easier. I have no outlet except for complaining on facebook, and don't get me started on that. I hate feeling like all I do is tell the world I hate my children. I love them, but what we're going through is stressful and I don't know how to handle it. I honestly think that some of my FB friends think I hate my kids. I just need to get it out, for fear I'll explode otherwise. Maybe facebook isn't the best outlet, but I don't think feel like I have any other way.
This is just a phase. It will come to an end. I keep reminding myself that this will not last forever, even though it feels like it will sometimes. Eventually this will just be a memory. One day the boys won't scream every time they eat. ... One day...
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
God could not be everywhere and therefore He made mothers. ~Jewish Proverb
The boys are growing by leaps and bounds. Ben will often comment that he'll come home from work to find them different. They're doing wonderfully, but there is still so much that we are just learning.
On Saturday we started the boys on soy formula. After three weeks of unbelievably hungry babies who screamed through every nighttime feeding, we knew we had to try something different. At their 2 month appointment, we had told the doctor how gassy and spit uppy they were, and he suggested trying different formulas. But since we are on WIC, I told Ben we couldn't do that. So we went through many nights of screaming matches, stress, and some anger. Finally I asked Ben what he thought about trying soy. We figured, it can't hurt to try, right? So we tried soy Saturday night and for the first time, Micah drank a full 4 ounce bottle without a peep. Ben was so happy that he cried. (Talk about melting your heart. It brought tears to my eyes to see him like that) And, for the first time, Mikey took 8 ounces before finally falling asleep. We've had him on soy ever since. Darius we weren't so sure about. We thought that maybe he still needed regular but after Sunday where he was pretty grumpy, we've got him on soy too. They're still gassy and have spit up, but it seems to be less of an amount than they used to. I still might make a doctor's appointment for them, though. Not only are they STILL super congested, but they will spit up hours after eating. I'm not sure if that's normal...
Sunday was our first Mother's Day. It was also the first day that we put the boys in 3-6 month clothes (talk about an unhappy Mama. I was mad when they grew out of Newborn stuff!) Not only were they in matching outfits, but Ben and I had gotten shirts the same color as what they were going to wear. Yes, we did make sure to get a family picture. And, of course, Micah has to look minorly grumpy in the one where we look the best. It has to be someone, right? :P
Our first Mother's Day was pretty busy. We went to first service at church so that we could go to the nursing home to see my grandmother for noon. My parents bought Chinese food for everyone, so we had a nice lunch with her. After visiting with Grandma L, we went to my in-law's to have birthday cake. Ben's mom had made one for Jack, since he would have been 31. It was the first Mother's Day that fell on his birthday since his passing, and so it was a very difficult day for her. I truly hope that having some time with the babies managed to brighten it for her. Not only did Mikey tell her lots of stories, Duck Man fell asleep on Dad. And Grandma Joan got to snuggle the Monkey and make him laugh.
By the time we finally got home, I was wiped. Going to an earlier service made the day seem so much longer, but at least we got some time to ourselves at home.
Monday night the boys went to their Nonni and Pepe's house. Luckily, they were well behaved and slept really well for them. I always feel bad when they have a hard time. But everyone enjoyed their sleepover. And Mommy and Daddy enjoyed a night of uninterrupted sleep.
Yesterday was not the best of days. Well, it was good until the end. I went to MOPS, picked up the boys, went to buy formula, then had to exchange it (the WIC checks have to be used for the regular formula, since that's what they list, but luckily Wal*Mart will exchange regular for soy), got the boys home and fed them, then went on a walk with Auntie Cassie and Lillie. Once we got home from that, my car had to be taken to the mechanic for an oil change, and when Ben got home we had dinner. After that we were able to video chat with my mum for the first time! It was really nice to be able to see her.
Once that was all over, the trouble started. The boys had been napping, but when Micah woke up he was very unhappy. I started his bath, but he had been straining, so I checked his diaper to find he needed a change. Not surprising, since he hadn't pooped yet that day, and they usually go at least once. When I went to change him, he was screaming bloody murder. I laid him down, and it got even worse. For the first (and hopefully only) time, I saw some blood in his stool. I made Ben call the doctor while I changed him, and the poor thing screamed the whole time. He was still trying to go, but it just wasn't working. It was hard as a rock and very difficult for him to pass. I felt so bad, I nearly cried. But after getting a new diaper on, and picking him up, the crying stopped. In fact, once he got into the tub, he was downright cheerful (amazing how babies can bounce back, huh?). Ben was told by the doctor (or nurse, whoever called) that it could be from the change in diet, or even because we had been trying cereal (we gave it an attempt to try and get them to go longer that 2 hours in between feedings. Hasn't worked. Giving up on cereal for now), but that we could give them juice. 1 ounce per month old per day. So right now they can have up to 3 ounces per day. Apple and pear work best, so after putting the boys to bed, Ben went to the store to buy juice. I'll be trying it once they wake up. I hope that it helps (Ducky never pooped yesterday, so I'm nervous about him), because I can not go through that again. My poor little boy.
It's nearly 6, and neither one has woken up yet, though I've been hearing some fidgeting. They went to bed between 8:30 and 9 so I'm not surprised they're still sleeping. We may start putting them to bed later, if it will help them to sleep in. They'll be going to bed late tonight because we're going to try going to Mini Church again. I hope it works out. I really hate not going.
Time to go make coffee.......
On Saturday we started the boys on soy formula. After three weeks of unbelievably hungry babies who screamed through every nighttime feeding, we knew we had to try something different. At their 2 month appointment, we had told the doctor how gassy and spit uppy they were, and he suggested trying different formulas. But since we are on WIC, I told Ben we couldn't do that. So we went through many nights of screaming matches, stress, and some anger. Finally I asked Ben what he thought about trying soy. We figured, it can't hurt to try, right? So we tried soy Saturday night and for the first time, Micah drank a full 4 ounce bottle without a peep. Ben was so happy that he cried. (Talk about melting your heart. It brought tears to my eyes to see him like that) And, for the first time, Mikey took 8 ounces before finally falling asleep. We've had him on soy ever since. Darius we weren't so sure about. We thought that maybe he still needed regular but after Sunday where he was pretty grumpy, we've got him on soy too. They're still gassy and have spit up, but it seems to be less of an amount than they used to. I still might make a doctor's appointment for them, though. Not only are they STILL super congested, but they will spit up hours after eating. I'm not sure if that's normal...
Sunday was our first Mother's Day. It was also the first day that we put the boys in 3-6 month clothes (talk about an unhappy Mama. I was mad when they grew out of Newborn stuff!) Not only were they in matching outfits, but Ben and I had gotten shirts the same color as what they were going to wear. Yes, we did make sure to get a family picture. And, of course, Micah has to look minorly grumpy in the one where we look the best. It has to be someone, right? :P
Our first Mother's Day was pretty busy. We went to first service at church so that we could go to the nursing home to see my grandmother for noon. My parents bought Chinese food for everyone, so we had a nice lunch with her. After visiting with Grandma L, we went to my in-law's to have birthday cake. Ben's mom had made one for Jack, since he would have been 31. It was the first Mother's Day that fell on his birthday since his passing, and so it was a very difficult day for her. I truly hope that having some time with the babies managed to brighten it for her. Not only did Mikey tell her lots of stories, Duck Man fell asleep on Dad. And Grandma Joan got to snuggle the Monkey and make him laugh.
By the time we finally got home, I was wiped. Going to an earlier service made the day seem so much longer, but at least we got some time to ourselves at home.
Monday night the boys went to their Nonni and Pepe's house. Luckily, they were well behaved and slept really well for them. I always feel bad when they have a hard time. But everyone enjoyed their sleepover. And Mommy and Daddy enjoyed a night of uninterrupted sleep.
Yesterday was not the best of days. Well, it was good until the end. I went to MOPS, picked up the boys, went to buy formula, then had to exchange it (the WIC checks have to be used for the regular formula, since that's what they list, but luckily Wal*Mart will exchange regular for soy), got the boys home and fed them, then went on a walk with Auntie Cassie and Lillie. Once we got home from that, my car had to be taken to the mechanic for an oil change, and when Ben got home we had dinner. After that we were able to video chat with my mum for the first time! It was really nice to be able to see her.
Once that was all over, the trouble started. The boys had been napping, but when Micah woke up he was very unhappy. I started his bath, but he had been straining, so I checked his diaper to find he needed a change. Not surprising, since he hadn't pooped yet that day, and they usually go at least once. When I went to change him, he was screaming bloody murder. I laid him down, and it got even worse. For the first (and hopefully only) time, I saw some blood in his stool. I made Ben call the doctor while I changed him, and the poor thing screamed the whole time. He was still trying to go, but it just wasn't working. It was hard as a rock and very difficult for him to pass. I felt so bad, I nearly cried. But after getting a new diaper on, and picking him up, the crying stopped. In fact, once he got into the tub, he was downright cheerful (amazing how babies can bounce back, huh?). Ben was told by the doctor (or nurse, whoever called) that it could be from the change in diet, or even because we had been trying cereal (we gave it an attempt to try and get them to go longer that 2 hours in between feedings. Hasn't worked. Giving up on cereal for now), but that we could give them juice. 1 ounce per month old per day. So right now they can have up to 3 ounces per day. Apple and pear work best, so after putting the boys to bed, Ben went to the store to buy juice. I'll be trying it once they wake up. I hope that it helps (Ducky never pooped yesterday, so I'm nervous about him), because I can not go through that again. My poor little boy.
It's nearly 6, and neither one has woken up yet, though I've been hearing some fidgeting. They went to bed between 8:30 and 9 so I'm not surprised they're still sleeping. We may start putting them to bed later, if it will help them to sleep in. They'll be going to bed late tonight because we're going to try going to Mini Church again. I hope it works out. I really hate not going.
Time to go make coffee.......
Ever'body Like Parf- ... Cake
For those of you who used to follow my old blog, you'll know that I sometimes get a little lax in my blogging. Weeks tend to slip by unnoticed before I sit down to write again. What I can say about the past few weeks, however, is that this is not the case. I have been purposefully avoiding my blog, but not for the reason you might think.
This blog, while titled about my babes, is not for the sole purpose of my children. It's about my life, my thoughts, and whatever I feel like recording at the time. To be true to that purpose, I have to write about the first of this month. It's not going to be easy for me, and I might gloss over a few things, but it has to be done.
As most of you know, Ben's brother committed suicide on his birthday in 2007. It was the year he turned 27, and so is listed in the "27 Club" - a list of musicians who died at the age of 27. His birthday was May 8th, so it was on Mother's Day this year (more on that in my next blog). Even though I never met Jack, I took his loss hard - he was the one person I could call my brother and have it actually be true. I had been waiting to get married with excitement at finally having siblings. But by the time I met Ben, the man who was supposed to be my brother was already gone. I was angry, and had to grieve in my own way. One of the things I was most angry about was that I felt that Jack had stolen from my children. They will have plenty of aunts and uncles through our friends, but they will never have their one true uncle, or any cousins. It was very upsetting for me. I tell you this, so you can understand my state of mind for what happened May 1st.
My friend, Sam, took his own life.
We hadn't been close for quite some time, but years ago, Sam and I called each other sibling. He wasn't the typical super-close-awesome-guy-friend-so-I'll-call-you-my-brother kid. He was half super-close-awesome-guy-friend-so-I'll-call-you-my-brother kid and half I'm-going-to-bug-the-crap-out-of-you-just-like-a-REAL-little-brother kid. Sam and I had our ups and downs, but he was the type of person who no matter what he was going through, would drop everything and be there if you needed him. After his first suicide attempt, he was in the hospital and told to write down a list of people who were allowed to visit him. He wrote two names. One of them was mine. I immediately got in the car and went to see him. And once I got there, he just looked at me and asked, "How are you?" There he was in the hospital, and he was worried about me. Not only me, but some of the other patients. He met a little 9 year old anorexic girl, and convinced her to eat by promising to make her things. Half a donut? He made her a shrinky-dink. Sam spent his time recuperating by helping others. That was Sam. Also known as Sammycake, Sam My Cake, or just Cake.
One of the hardest things for Ben and I was the similarities between Jack and Sam. Both were musicians and artists. Both were addicted to drugs. Both would change their look about every 6 months (or so it would seem). In fact, every color that Jack dyed his hair, Sam had dyed his hair. Both went through the goth/punk eyeliner phase (there were pictures that looked exactly alike). Unfortunately, because Ben had gone through the loss of Jack, he was the perfect one to help me through my grieving for Sam. Everything I said, Ben understood without judgement. And, unfortunately, my loss of Sam made me better understand how Ben felt when he lost his brother. For the both of us, there had been a separation before hand. I had drifted apart from Sam, and not wanted to get closer because of his drug addiction (I couldn't put myself in that kind of relationship when my family was beginning), and Ben had pretty much given up on Jack because of his drug addiction. One major difference was that Sam was sober, and fighting to stay that way. The other is that Ben and I saw Sam two hours before it happened. Jack had been states away from his family.
One thing that is of a comfort to us is that we know we'll get to see them again. I don't believe that people who commit suicide aren't allowed into Heaven. My God would not make that one sin worse than any other. People who lie before being hit by a bus aren't any more likely to be kept from Heaven than those who commit adultery before having a heart attack. Sin is sin, and God looks at the heart. Jack and Sam made professions of faith at one point in their lives. I fully believe I will see them again.
Until then, every time I hear thunder, I'll think of Sam and Jack rockin' out in front of Jesus.
This blog, while titled about my babes, is not for the sole purpose of my children. It's about my life, my thoughts, and whatever I feel like recording at the time. To be true to that purpose, I have to write about the first of this month. It's not going to be easy for me, and I might gloss over a few things, but it has to be done.
As most of you know, Ben's brother committed suicide on his birthday in 2007. It was the year he turned 27, and so is listed in the "27 Club" - a list of musicians who died at the age of 27. His birthday was May 8th, so it was on Mother's Day this year (more on that in my next blog). Even though I never met Jack, I took his loss hard - he was the one person I could call my brother and have it actually be true. I had been waiting to get married with excitement at finally having siblings. But by the time I met Ben, the man who was supposed to be my brother was already gone. I was angry, and had to grieve in my own way. One of the things I was most angry about was that I felt that Jack had stolen from my children. They will have plenty of aunts and uncles through our friends, but they will never have their one true uncle, or any cousins. It was very upsetting for me. I tell you this, so you can understand my state of mind for what happened May 1st.
My friend, Sam, took his own life.
We hadn't been close for quite some time, but years ago, Sam and I called each other sibling. He wasn't the typical super-close-awesome-guy-friend-so-I'll-call-you-my-brother kid. He was half super-close-awesome-guy-friend-so-I'll-call-you-my-brother kid and half I'm-going-to-bug-the-crap-out-of-you-just-like-a-REAL-little-brother kid. Sam and I had our ups and downs, but he was the type of person who no matter what he was going through, would drop everything and be there if you needed him. After his first suicide attempt, he was in the hospital and told to write down a list of people who were allowed to visit him. He wrote two names. One of them was mine. I immediately got in the car and went to see him. And once I got there, he just looked at me and asked, "How are you?" There he was in the hospital, and he was worried about me. Not only me, but some of the other patients. He met a little 9 year old anorexic girl, and convinced her to eat by promising to make her things. Half a donut? He made her a shrinky-dink. Sam spent his time recuperating by helping others. That was Sam. Also known as Sammycake, Sam My Cake, or just Cake.
One of the hardest things for Ben and I was the similarities between Jack and Sam. Both were musicians and artists. Both were addicted to drugs. Both would change their look about every 6 months (or so it would seem). In fact, every color that Jack dyed his hair, Sam had dyed his hair. Both went through the goth/punk eyeliner phase (there were pictures that looked exactly alike). Unfortunately, because Ben had gone through the loss of Jack, he was the perfect one to help me through my grieving for Sam. Everything I said, Ben understood without judgement. And, unfortunately, my loss of Sam made me better understand how Ben felt when he lost his brother. For the both of us, there had been a separation before hand. I had drifted apart from Sam, and not wanted to get closer because of his drug addiction (I couldn't put myself in that kind of relationship when my family was beginning), and Ben had pretty much given up on Jack because of his drug addiction. One major difference was that Sam was sober, and fighting to stay that way. The other is that Ben and I saw Sam two hours before it happened. Jack had been states away from his family.
One thing that is of a comfort to us is that we know we'll get to see them again. I don't believe that people who commit suicide aren't allowed into Heaven. My God would not make that one sin worse than any other. People who lie before being hit by a bus aren't any more likely to be kept from Heaven than those who commit adultery before having a heart attack. Sin is sin, and God looks at the heart. Jack and Sam made professions of faith at one point in their lives. I fully believe I will see them again.
Until then, every time I hear thunder, I'll think of Sam and Jack rockin' out in front of Jesus.
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