I know. I haven't written a blog in such a long time. Every time I thought of it, I'd wind up getting involved in something else (or just be plain lazy about it) and my idea for a blog slowly slipped from my mind. There is so much that has happened since my last post in August. Rather than try to cover everything, I'll treat this as a new blog, and just chronicle my thoughts right now.
The boys are almost 1. And I can't believe it. They have grown so much. While that was to be expected, it's kind of startling. I think back to the first time I held them; they were so small and fragile. But even that first day, there was a glimmer of the personalities that shine today. Yes, the boys are so similar. But there is such a huge difference to them too. Darius, my little shy boy. He's the one who's more skittish around new people, who's startled by loud noises and tends to cling to those he's comfortable with in new situations. He's my snuggle bug - the little man who loves to rest his head on you and give kisses. While he was the one who began with gross and fine motor skills first, he is now slower in learning how to walk. But I think it's only because when he starts to lose his balance he gets nervous and just sits down. And when he bear crawls (on hands and feet with his butt up in the air) he's much faster at getting around. He's quiet, but very observant. Those big blue eyes just take everything in. And then there's Micah, the social boy. He hates to be separated from us (and lets us know it every time he has to go to bed), and is working harder at talking so he can interact with us more. His first word was "cat" (at ten months old!), but he also says "Daddy", "tree", and "ouch." For about two days, ouch was my name (since he learned it after I said it whenever he pulled my hair) but now it's just another word. Darius babbles "dada" and "ouch" at everything, so we don't count them as words yet. Micah is more proficient at walking, but that's only because whenever he falls he gets right back up to go again. The thrilled smile that lights up his face as he toddles around with his arms pulled in like a T-Rex is just adorable. He gets so excited when he's walking. He's still a little smaller, but I'm sure that won't always be the case; this boy eats like a garbage compactor. I don't know how he gets it all in.
As they get older, I am adding more things to our lives. Not only do we participate in the Mom's Group at our church, but I have joined the Worship Team, and have recently signed up for a women's bible study at the church as well. Ben was Joseph in the Christmas play (and he wowed everyone with his gorgeous singing voice!) and is currently working on editing the footage we took of the 3 nights of the play. In the new year, I am working on becoming the woman I wish to be. I want to strengthen my relationship with God, work to keep a clean house, and stop being so selfish all the time. I don't always do a great job of it (as of right now, I'm ignoring the dishes on the counter...), but I so want to be a good mom and wife. I want my boys to look back on their childhood with good memories. In all honesty, I want to be the type of woman I want them to find when they are older. I remind myself of that sometimes. I think of the wives I want them to have, and try to behave in that way. It's not always easy. I've come up with a few rules to help "keep me in line" and so far they've helped. Before we go eat breakfast or lunch, we have to clean up the toys in the living room (ok, so Mommy picks them up. Eventually it will be them. At least that's what I tell myself.) While they eat breakfast, I start the dishes from the previous day. When they go for a nap right after breakfast, I finish the dishes. The kitchen table needs to remain clear of the things that aren't supposed to be there, instead of being the typical catch-all. Our bedroom isn't quite where I want it yet, but I'm trying to get it cleaned up. And another rule is, instead of putting something down to "put away in the morning" I just put it in its place before going to bed. Because I know me, and I won't put it away in the morning. My house isn't spotless, but it's better than it was.
Ben and I recently rearranged the living room, and the bedroom and office. The boys love the new living room, since it gives them so much more room to play. And I'm really digging the bedroom. We brought the desk in from the office, and got rid of the chaise that was the catch-all for the bedroom, and moved the hutch. We also brought in a bookcase. Even though there's more furniture in there, it's actually opened up floor space. There's less in the "office" but it's more just a storage room now. I really like it. Ben and I are trying to get the bedroom completely organized a little each night after the boys go to bed, but evenings tend to be more relaxation time than organizing time. Hopefully we can do more this weekend. :/ It will get done eventually. Or I will lose my mind, haha.
I think about my life, and I realize how very blessed I am. We have a home. Yes, it has flaws, and there are things that irritate me about it (like how we still don't have a handle on the bathroom door), but we live here rent-free. We each have a car. Sure they break down/need maintenance sometimes. But they work for what we need. We're on the lookout for an SUV, or minivan. (Have you ever tried doing a large grocery shopping trip with two boys in carseats and a stroller in the trunk? Ugh.) We may not have a ton of money, but our bills are always paid. Our children are so well behaved (yeah, temper tantrums now and then, but on the whole they are so even keeled). And I am blessed with the perfect man for me. I'm not going to lie and say that we are infatuated every second of every day. We have our disagreements and hurt feelings sometimes. But I am amazed at just how well Ben gets me, and the lengths he goes to for me.
I may have to edit this later, in case he wants me to take this next part down, but it's kind of swimming in my head, and I just want to get it out.
I am a very insecure person. While I no longer fear that Ben is going to walk out on me, or even believe that he would ever cheat on me, the thought that another woman would try to take him drops an iceberg in my stomach. There are times that I fear he will meet someone prettier than me, or more sane than me, or funnier/kinder/overall better than me. Most of the time I'm able to squash my fears with knowledge of the truth. But sometimes life throws situations at us. And Ben's strength, love for me, and choice to be a godly man gets to shine. I'll try to make a long story short...
When I met Ben, he had a few female friends. I have no problem with him being friends with girls, as long as the relationship remains appropriate. There was one girl that never failed to bring out my insecurities, though. Let's call her Ava. She was completely beautiful, and unbelievably sweet. Ava was the kind of girl who fit in with guys (at least the ones who weren't intimidated by her beauty), and had the tendency to flirt with every one she met. Ben met her at an old job, and the two of them were very close while they were working together. I eventually told Ben that I didn't care if they were friends, but the way that she flirted made me uncomfortable. He told me that he never saw her as more than a friend, and that she (like me) had a very low self esteem and needed people in her life that weren't out to use her, but agreed to not be alone with her. All was well.
Since they no longer worked together, they never really saw much of each other, but would text on occassion - just to stay in touch. After a while, he told me that she had gotten inappropriate in how she was talking to him, so he stopped responding to her. It wasn't until recently (after receiving a "Happy New Years" text from her, and having to ask who it was since he'd deleted her number) that he told me exactly what had happened. Apparently, late one night, Ava texted him to say that she was in a really bad place. She felt all alone, and wanted some comfort. So she asked if he would phone sex over texting with her. He told her that he could never do such a thing to his marriage and responded that he could no longer be friends with her. And until New Years, he hadn't heard from her again.
I wasn't angry that he didn't tell me the whole story immediately. In a way, I was kind of grateful. He and I both knew that if I had been awake/around when it happened, I would have called her from his phone and started yelling at her. And Ben knew that with her being in the place she was in, that would have been the worst thing for her. He was a good enough friend to not tell me the details (and send me over the edge) and a strong enough man to defend his marriage in a way that would ensure the threat was gone. There is still a part of me that is angry with Ava. She knew he was married, and how he felt about his marriage. What kind of woman knowingly goes after a married man? But there is another part of me that has to wonder just how bad of a place she must have been in if that was the best idea she had. After she texted "happy new year" to him (and he found out who it was) he asked how she was doing, and heard that things are still not well for her. He's given an open invitation to her to come to church with us, offering to even go pick her up if she needed a ride. And as we were talking about everything that happened between them, he once agreed to never be alone with her. But not just that, to never be with her without me. Because I know that his friends could inadvertantly leave them alone, and that is too big a risk in my opinion. I trust Ben. I don't trust Ava. So if she ever agrees to come to church with us, and needs a ride, we will both go to pick her up. I don't want to be so selfish and insecure that I wind up chasing a girl away from Christ. But I'm not going to sit back and let a woman with any kind of sights on my husband (whether they be for a fling or a relationship or whatever else) have any form of free reign around him. I know that Ava needs good people in her life, and I am willing to be her friend. I would be glad to sit and talk with her, to lift her up and help her get to the right place in her life. But I won't be stupid enough to give her access to my husband. And I am so blessed to have a godly man who refuses to skirt around the issue and will protect my heart and our marriage at any cost.
No comments:
Post a Comment