On January 1st of this year, I posted this as my Facebook status - "A new year - 2012. Yes, I intend to lose weight, to keep my home clean, to play with and teach my boys more. But my true resolutions are to rid myself of unkind words and to become completely and truly unapologetic about my faith. No more hiding my beliefs within watered down truths. I may lose friends this year, but I will grow closer to my Saviour."
I'll be brutally honest. Most of these have been more than a little difficult to keep up with. I'm pretty sure I've gained weight. I currently have a nice sized pile of dishes on my kitchen counter. And I'm pretty sure every single inch of floorspace is in desperate need of some form of cleaning (vacuum, mop, etc). Unkind words tumble from my lips more often than I'd like to admit. But in effort to tackle what I believe was the biggest of my resolutions, I have decided to start a blog series.
Now, I never blatantly lied about my beliefs. I have never hidden the fact that I am a Christian. However, I have (almost always) had a really bad habit of speaking half of the truth, and keeping the more religious half under wraps. For example: while at a New Year's party, I mentioned to a friend that I do not ever want to get drunk again. When he incredulously asked, "Why?" my answer was that as a parent, I have to think about how my actions will effect my children. What would happen if I get wasted and then receive a call from the babysitter that one of my boys has had a major accident and is being taken to the hospital? What would happen if I show up in the ER drunk out of my mind? He kind of rolled his eyes, but accepted it. Now. Was what I said a lie? Not at all! Being a parent has changed me in many ways. But the whole truth is that drunkeness is a sin. And I don't want to knowingly do something that God has commanded I not do.
So here is where I am. I need to walk away from the fear of true honesty with my friends - even if it means that I may lose some of them. And I wouldn't really be surprised if I did lose some of them. In a world of politcal correctness, the Christian opinion tends to garner hatred. But I'm not even talking about just the non-Christians. Because a lot of my opinions differ from that of many Christian people too. I am not liberal, by any means. But I think that within the scope of those following the Man, I would probably be more on the liberal side of the Cross.
I'm sure you're wondering what my little series is going to cover. I know a few, but I don't have every single blog planned out. Some of the topics I will be hitting are: homosexuality, cohabitation, abortion, gay marriage, children born out of wedlock, and something that hits a little closer to home - the relationships between the saved and the unsaved. I know that more ideas will pop up. And if anyone has a suggestion for a topic, I'm making a promise now ... Whatever the topic is, if you request my opinion on it, I will write a blog response. I can't hide my feelings about things anymore. Because I'm not ashamed of Jesus. But the way I've been acting makes it seem like I am. And I just can't do that any more.
Monday, January 23, 2012
Friday, January 13, 2012
Of Pride and Selfishness
In my effort to be brutally honest in my blog, along with wanting to be openly self aware, I feel this post needs to be written. There is so much about me that I am desperately wanting to change. Unfortunately, most of these changes are ones I've been wanting to make for a long time. Still, there are things that my eyes have been opened to within myself. The knowledge of what is hidden in the darkest corners of my heart saddens me, but they drive me further to break out of the stagnant waters.
For a while now, I have been working toward becoming a better person - in varying ways. I try to keep my house cleaner, to play with my children more, to work on my relationship with Christ. But most of the time my intentions slip from my thoughts, and I find myself spending my days as I usually do. Mainly, sitting in front of the computer (which I know is what I am doing now...). My computer is, at times, an addiction. I crave the instant gratification of high speed internet. I want constant entertainment, and strive to avoid boredom or even real work. In the spirit of honesty - I am lazy. I seek only pleasure for myself. This is the biggest thing I need to change about myself. Most days, I forget to even pray. How can I honestly say I want to strengthen my relationship with Christ when on most days I don't even think to speak to Him?
I have started attending a women's bible study by Beth Moore on the book of James. The first meeting was today, and I feel like there were things that were brought to my attention. My heart is in serious need of a cleaning out. My life is not meant for myself. It's not about me. God has placed me on this earth for a purpose, and right now I'm wasting my days seeking only what I want. My children, instead of getting to interact and learn from me, spend most of their time playing by themselves/with each other. I don't mean to say that I completely ignore them, but there is so much more that I could be doing with them. I want them to have good memories from the start. Which is why I have begun leaving my computer in the bedroom during the day. At least for the majority. Perhaps it's just the mood I've gotten myself in at the moment that has me picking out solely the bad about myself. I do get this way sometimes, but I don't want to make it seem like I do nothing, nor play up what I do happen to get done. I'm simply trying to state the way I am living as I see it. I do the dishes daily, try to keep the kitchen table cleared, make attempts at laundry, and cook dinner. I'm not saying I should be vacuuming and washing the floors every day, or even that I need to be cleaning more. I simply need to break out of the monotony of trying to keep myself entertained. It's bad for me, bad for my spirit, and bad for my family.
I mentioned that I joined a bible study. I'm also trying to get the family to attend the mini church more. I'm also on the worship team (so I can give my talents back to God) and am doing what I can to help out in the Mom's Group. And speaking of the Mom's Group ... a few weeks ago I was crying with Ben about my need for friends. I feel like I am missing that essential part of life - friendships. A lot of what I am doing at the church is in the effort to build these relationships, because my soul yearns for them. I can not count the prayers I have whispered to God about my desire for sisters in Christ, usually thinking of a few specific women as I do so. And this past Tuesday I realized that there was one particular woman that I seem to be growing closer to. But my first thought was, "Wait, I didn't want to form a friendship with her. I wanted to become closer to T or L or even I. But when I was asking for friends, I wasn't thinking about J." And today, the memory of that popped into my head. And it was like I could hear a voice of rebuke, "I love her. You wanted a sister spirit, and I am giving you this beautiful soul who is like you in so many ways. You, who feels belittled by others. How can you turn around and think so about someone I love?" It was heartbreaking. Because much of the time, I do feel unimportant. I see myself as less than others, and believe that they see me the same way. And it wasn't that I don't want to be friends with this woman. She was not who I had thought of when wishing for friends, and so I didn't want to break out of what I had pictured. My pride needed a severe kick in the teeth, and it still does.
Because I don't want to work. I don't want to put in the effort to read my Bible, to pray, to get onto the floor and wear myself out playing chase with my kids. I want the easy road. These are the things that I try to keep buried within me, because it is so painful to admit that they are firmly planted into my heart. The knowledge that I am baring my soul is uncomfortable, but I truly feel led to do it. But the thought that I can't remember the last time I prayed, or even where my Bible is, nevermind the last time I read from it, is even more painful. How can I call myself a Christian, one of the redeemed, when I can't even be bothered to speak to my Saviour? Who am I to look about the room filled with like minded women seeking to learn from the book of James and be disappointed that I am the youngest, and therefore "can't" form bonds? How dare I put my insecurities on someone else and believe that a woman in my mini church has it out for me? What right do I have to lament over the people in my mini church not involving me in their lives, or asking me to pray over what they are going through when A) I haven't prayed in such a long time or B) I refuse to take a step out of my comfort zone and put in the effort to try to properly get to know them.
How can I possibly aspire to become like the wonderful women that I have met through the mom's group or the Bible study, admiring them for their faith and wholehearted joy in the Lord, when I don't do anything about it??? I am a prideful, selfish, lazy woman who dreams of being better yet completely lacks followthrough. These are the things I need to change. And maybe by baring my soul to the world, I will find myself held accountable for what I say. I will find the subtle reminders in everyday life that I'm better than this. I'm better than making my life all about me. I'm better than my pride. I know this, and I can say this, because God has made me a new person. So who am I to try and hold on to the past?
For a while now, I have been working toward becoming a better person - in varying ways. I try to keep my house cleaner, to play with my children more, to work on my relationship with Christ. But most of the time my intentions slip from my thoughts, and I find myself spending my days as I usually do. Mainly, sitting in front of the computer (which I know is what I am doing now...). My computer is, at times, an addiction. I crave the instant gratification of high speed internet. I want constant entertainment, and strive to avoid boredom or even real work. In the spirit of honesty - I am lazy. I seek only pleasure for myself. This is the biggest thing I need to change about myself. Most days, I forget to even pray. How can I honestly say I want to strengthen my relationship with Christ when on most days I don't even think to speak to Him?
I have started attending a women's bible study by Beth Moore on the book of James. The first meeting was today, and I feel like there were things that were brought to my attention. My heart is in serious need of a cleaning out. My life is not meant for myself. It's not about me. God has placed me on this earth for a purpose, and right now I'm wasting my days seeking only what I want. My children, instead of getting to interact and learn from me, spend most of their time playing by themselves/with each other. I don't mean to say that I completely ignore them, but there is so much more that I could be doing with them. I want them to have good memories from the start. Which is why I have begun leaving my computer in the bedroom during the day. At least for the majority. Perhaps it's just the mood I've gotten myself in at the moment that has me picking out solely the bad about myself. I do get this way sometimes, but I don't want to make it seem like I do nothing, nor play up what I do happen to get done. I'm simply trying to state the way I am living as I see it. I do the dishes daily, try to keep the kitchen table cleared, make attempts at laundry, and cook dinner. I'm not saying I should be vacuuming and washing the floors every day, or even that I need to be cleaning more. I simply need to break out of the monotony of trying to keep myself entertained. It's bad for me, bad for my spirit, and bad for my family.
I mentioned that I joined a bible study. I'm also trying to get the family to attend the mini church more. I'm also on the worship team (so I can give my talents back to God) and am doing what I can to help out in the Mom's Group. And speaking of the Mom's Group ... a few weeks ago I was crying with Ben about my need for friends. I feel like I am missing that essential part of life - friendships. A lot of what I am doing at the church is in the effort to build these relationships, because my soul yearns for them. I can not count the prayers I have whispered to God about my desire for sisters in Christ, usually thinking of a few specific women as I do so. And this past Tuesday I realized that there was one particular woman that I seem to be growing closer to. But my first thought was, "Wait, I didn't want to form a friendship with her. I wanted to become closer to T or L or even I. But when I was asking for friends, I wasn't thinking about J." And today, the memory of that popped into my head. And it was like I could hear a voice of rebuke, "I love her. You wanted a sister spirit, and I am giving you this beautiful soul who is like you in so many ways. You, who feels belittled by others. How can you turn around and think so about someone I love?" It was heartbreaking. Because much of the time, I do feel unimportant. I see myself as less than others, and believe that they see me the same way. And it wasn't that I don't want to be friends with this woman. She was not who I had thought of when wishing for friends, and so I didn't want to break out of what I had pictured. My pride needed a severe kick in the teeth, and it still does.
Because I don't want to work. I don't want to put in the effort to read my Bible, to pray, to get onto the floor and wear myself out playing chase with my kids. I want the easy road. These are the things that I try to keep buried within me, because it is so painful to admit that they are firmly planted into my heart. The knowledge that I am baring my soul is uncomfortable, but I truly feel led to do it. But the thought that I can't remember the last time I prayed, or even where my Bible is, nevermind the last time I read from it, is even more painful. How can I call myself a Christian, one of the redeemed, when I can't even be bothered to speak to my Saviour? Who am I to look about the room filled with like minded women seeking to learn from the book of James and be disappointed that I am the youngest, and therefore "can't" form bonds? How dare I put my insecurities on someone else and believe that a woman in my mini church has it out for me? What right do I have to lament over the people in my mini church not involving me in their lives, or asking me to pray over what they are going through when A) I haven't prayed in such a long time or B) I refuse to take a step out of my comfort zone and put in the effort to try to properly get to know them.
How can I possibly aspire to become like the wonderful women that I have met through the mom's group or the Bible study, admiring them for their faith and wholehearted joy in the Lord, when I don't do anything about it??? I am a prideful, selfish, lazy woman who dreams of being better yet completely lacks followthrough. These are the things I need to change. And maybe by baring my soul to the world, I will find myself held accountable for what I say. I will find the subtle reminders in everyday life that I'm better than this. I'm better than making my life all about me. I'm better than my pride. I know this, and I can say this, because God has made me a new person. So who am I to try and hold on to the past?
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
The Hostess With The Mostest
I don't know if you can tell, but I've changed the way I title my blogs. I used to use quotes from Glee or songs, usually aiming for things that had nothing to do with what I was writing about; just what I found funny or what I was listening to at the moment I started writing. Now I'm using whatever pops into my head about what I'm about to write. Not sure if I'll keep it this way. 2011 has some really strange and silly titles, and I may start missing that after a while ... hmm.
Anyways. After throwing Ben's surprise 30th birthday party in November (the planning stages of which had begun in June...) I swore to him that I'm never throwing him a surprise party again. Or maybe it was I would never throw another party. But either way, it was the stress of trying to make things go off without a hitch that navigated me into the anti-party lands. And yet, here we are in January and I am in the midst of trying to throw together a 1st birthday party for the twins. The stress level is hovering around 85, threatening to rise with each passing day. Could this be because I waited until after Christmas to even think about their party? One month plan time is horrific when compared to 4 1/2 months. Even if I don't have to worry about "ruining" it by talking about it in front of them. Luckily, things seem to be coming together pretty quickly. We're re-using the Winnie the Pooh theme from the baby shower and room decor.
We're using the Kids of the Kingdom big room at the church, since the hall we'd rented for Ben's party was already booked for that day. Most of the decorations have already been purchased by my mum. She's also getting the cakes. We've decided on pizza and chips (simple fare) for the meal, and I'm hoping for a relaxed atmosphere. Quiet, simple, relaxed ... with a ton of kids running around. I've never hosted a kid's party before, but I'm sure it's going to be crazy. Wooo.
The one thing I'm trying to figure out (since the rest is decided if not already taken care of) is favors. I don't want to do something that winds up breaking the budget, especially since Ben and I are focusing on tightening belts and cutting spending this year. My friend Missy suggested candies, and I think that's the way I'm going to go. For her husband's party, she'd put out a basket of mini reeses, since those are his favorite. I may do mini packs of M & Ms and glue on these little cardboard confetti things Mum purchased.
I'm still not sure. But worst case, at least I've got an idea that will work. The main stressor right now is people. The room holds 60 max (or at least that's what I was told). I know that not everyone you invite comes to the party. So I sent out the invites with the hope that some people would say no. Because in total, with adults and kids, we've got 93 people invited. 25 have said yes. 4 have said no. I don't think I'm going to stop stressing about it until 29 more people say no. And if enough say they can't come (with enough time before hand) I have a couple more people I'd like to invite. Eventually it just became "I have to draw the line somewhere." And now I just have to take a few breaths and know that in the end everything will be ok.
This may wind up being the "last party I throw for the boys" too .... (as if a Mama could refuse her kids a birthday party)
Anyways. After throwing Ben's surprise 30th birthday party in November (the planning stages of which had begun in June...) I swore to him that I'm never throwing him a surprise party again. Or maybe it was I would never throw another party. But either way, it was the stress of trying to make things go off without a hitch that navigated me into the anti-party lands. And yet, here we are in January and I am in the midst of trying to throw together a 1st birthday party for the twins. The stress level is hovering around 85, threatening to rise with each passing day. Could this be because I waited until after Christmas to even think about their party? One month plan time is horrific when compared to 4 1/2 months. Even if I don't have to worry about "ruining" it by talking about it in front of them. Luckily, things seem to be coming together pretty quickly. We're re-using the Winnie the Pooh theme from the baby shower and room decor.
We're using the Kids of the Kingdom big room at the church, since the hall we'd rented for Ben's party was already booked for that day. Most of the decorations have already been purchased by my mum. She's also getting the cakes. We've decided on pizza and chips (simple fare) for the meal, and I'm hoping for a relaxed atmosphere. Quiet, simple, relaxed ... with a ton of kids running around. I've never hosted a kid's party before, but I'm sure it's going to be crazy. Wooo.
The one thing I'm trying to figure out (since the rest is decided if not already taken care of) is favors. I don't want to do something that winds up breaking the budget, especially since Ben and I are focusing on tightening belts and cutting spending this year. My friend Missy suggested candies, and I think that's the way I'm going to go. For her husband's party, she'd put out a basket of mini reeses, since those are his favorite. I may do mini packs of M & Ms and glue on these little cardboard confetti things Mum purchased.
I'm still not sure. But worst case, at least I've got an idea that will work. The main stressor right now is people. The room holds 60 max (or at least that's what I was told). I know that not everyone you invite comes to the party. So I sent out the invites with the hope that some people would say no. Because in total, with adults and kids, we've got 93 people invited. 25 have said yes. 4 have said no. I don't think I'm going to stop stressing about it until 29 more people say no. And if enough say they can't come (with enough time before hand) I have a couple more people I'd like to invite. Eventually it just became "I have to draw the line somewhere." And now I just have to take a few breaths and know that in the end everything will be ok.
This may wind up being the "last party I throw for the boys" too .... (as if a Mama could refuse her kids a birthday party)
Thursday, January 5, 2012
New Year - Time To Restart!
I know. I haven't written a blog in such a long time. Every time I thought of it, I'd wind up getting involved in something else (or just be plain lazy about it) and my idea for a blog slowly slipped from my mind. There is so much that has happened since my last post in August. Rather than try to cover everything, I'll treat this as a new blog, and just chronicle my thoughts right now.
The boys are almost 1. And I can't believe it. They have grown so much. While that was to be expected, it's kind of startling. I think back to the first time I held them; they were so small and fragile. But even that first day, there was a glimmer of the personalities that shine today. Yes, the boys are so similar. But there is such a huge difference to them too. Darius, my little shy boy. He's the one who's more skittish around new people, who's startled by loud noises and tends to cling to those he's comfortable with in new situations. He's my snuggle bug - the little man who loves to rest his head on you and give kisses. While he was the one who began with gross and fine motor skills first, he is now slower in learning how to walk. But I think it's only because when he starts to lose his balance he gets nervous and just sits down. And when he bear crawls (on hands and feet with his butt up in the air) he's much faster at getting around. He's quiet, but very observant. Those big blue eyes just take everything in. And then there's Micah, the social boy. He hates to be separated from us (and lets us know it every time he has to go to bed), and is working harder at talking so he can interact with us more. His first word was "cat" (at ten months old!), but he also says "Daddy", "tree", and "ouch." For about two days, ouch was my name (since he learned it after I said it whenever he pulled my hair) but now it's just another word. Darius babbles "dada" and "ouch" at everything, so we don't count them as words yet. Micah is more proficient at walking, but that's only because whenever he falls he gets right back up to go again. The thrilled smile that lights up his face as he toddles around with his arms pulled in like a T-Rex is just adorable. He gets so excited when he's walking. He's still a little smaller, but I'm sure that won't always be the case; this boy eats like a garbage compactor. I don't know how he gets it all in.
As they get older, I am adding more things to our lives. Not only do we participate in the Mom's Group at our church, but I have joined the Worship Team, and have recently signed up for a women's bible study at the church as well. Ben was Joseph in the Christmas play (and he wowed everyone with his gorgeous singing voice!) and is currently working on editing the footage we took of the 3 nights of the play. In the new year, I am working on becoming the woman I wish to be. I want to strengthen my relationship with God, work to keep a clean house, and stop being so selfish all the time. I don't always do a great job of it (as of right now, I'm ignoring the dishes on the counter...), but I so want to be a good mom and wife. I want my boys to look back on their childhood with good memories. In all honesty, I want to be the type of woman I want them to find when they are older. I remind myself of that sometimes. I think of the wives I want them to have, and try to behave in that way. It's not always easy. I've come up with a few rules to help "keep me in line" and so far they've helped. Before we go eat breakfast or lunch, we have to clean up the toys in the living room (ok, so Mommy picks them up. Eventually it will be them. At least that's what I tell myself.) While they eat breakfast, I start the dishes from the previous day. When they go for a nap right after breakfast, I finish the dishes. The kitchen table needs to remain clear of the things that aren't supposed to be there, instead of being the typical catch-all. Our bedroom isn't quite where I want it yet, but I'm trying to get it cleaned up. And another rule is, instead of putting something down to "put away in the morning" I just put it in its place before going to bed. Because I know me, and I won't put it away in the morning. My house isn't spotless, but it's better than it was.
Ben and I recently rearranged the living room, and the bedroom and office. The boys love the new living room, since it gives them so much more room to play. And I'm really digging the bedroom. We brought the desk in from the office, and got rid of the chaise that was the catch-all for the bedroom, and moved the hutch. We also brought in a bookcase. Even though there's more furniture in there, it's actually opened up floor space. There's less in the "office" but it's more just a storage room now. I really like it. Ben and I are trying to get the bedroom completely organized a little each night after the boys go to bed, but evenings tend to be more relaxation time than organizing time. Hopefully we can do more this weekend. :/ It will get done eventually. Or I will lose my mind, haha.
I think about my life, and I realize how very blessed I am. We have a home. Yes, it has flaws, and there are things that irritate me about it (like how we still don't have a handle on the bathroom door), but we live here rent-free. We each have a car. Sure they break down/need maintenance sometimes. But they work for what we need. We're on the lookout for an SUV, or minivan. (Have you ever tried doing a large grocery shopping trip with two boys in carseats and a stroller in the trunk? Ugh.) We may not have a ton of money, but our bills are always paid. Our children are so well behaved (yeah, temper tantrums now and then, but on the whole they are so even keeled). And I am blessed with the perfect man for me. I'm not going to lie and say that we are infatuated every second of every day. We have our disagreements and hurt feelings sometimes. But I am amazed at just how well Ben gets me, and the lengths he goes to for me.
I may have to edit this later, in case he wants me to take this next part down, but it's kind of swimming in my head, and I just want to get it out.
I am a very insecure person. While I no longer fear that Ben is going to walk out on me, or even believe that he would ever cheat on me, the thought that another woman would try to take him drops an iceberg in my stomach. There are times that I fear he will meet someone prettier than me, or more sane than me, or funnier/kinder/overall better than me. Most of the time I'm able to squash my fears with knowledge of the truth. But sometimes life throws situations at us. And Ben's strength, love for me, and choice to be a godly man gets to shine. I'll try to make a long story short...
When I met Ben, he had a few female friends. I have no problem with him being friends with girls, as long as the relationship remains appropriate. There was one girl that never failed to bring out my insecurities, though. Let's call her Ava. She was completely beautiful, and unbelievably sweet. Ava was the kind of girl who fit in with guys (at least the ones who weren't intimidated by her beauty), and had the tendency to flirt with every one she met. Ben met her at an old job, and the two of them were very close while they were working together. I eventually told Ben that I didn't care if they were friends, but the way that she flirted made me uncomfortable. He told me that he never saw her as more than a friend, and that she (like me) had a very low self esteem and needed people in her life that weren't out to use her, but agreed to not be alone with her. All was well.
Since they no longer worked together, they never really saw much of each other, but would text on occassion - just to stay in touch. After a while, he told me that she had gotten inappropriate in how she was talking to him, so he stopped responding to her. It wasn't until recently (after receiving a "Happy New Years" text from her, and having to ask who it was since he'd deleted her number) that he told me exactly what had happened. Apparently, late one night, Ava texted him to say that she was in a really bad place. She felt all alone, and wanted some comfort. So she asked if he would phone sex over texting with her. He told her that he could never do such a thing to his marriage and responded that he could no longer be friends with her. And until New Years, he hadn't heard from her again.
I wasn't angry that he didn't tell me the whole story immediately. In a way, I was kind of grateful. He and I both knew that if I had been awake/around when it happened, I would have called her from his phone and started yelling at her. And Ben knew that with her being in the place she was in, that would have been the worst thing for her. He was a good enough friend to not tell me the details (and send me over the edge) and a strong enough man to defend his marriage in a way that would ensure the threat was gone. There is still a part of me that is angry with Ava. She knew he was married, and how he felt about his marriage. What kind of woman knowingly goes after a married man? But there is another part of me that has to wonder just how bad of a place she must have been in if that was the best idea she had. After she texted "happy new year" to him (and he found out who it was) he asked how she was doing, and heard that things are still not well for her. He's given an open invitation to her to come to church with us, offering to even go pick her up if she needed a ride. And as we were talking about everything that happened between them, he once agreed to never be alone with her. But not just that, to never be with her without me. Because I know that his friends could inadvertantly leave them alone, and that is too big a risk in my opinion. I trust Ben. I don't trust Ava. So if she ever agrees to come to church with us, and needs a ride, we will both go to pick her up. I don't want to be so selfish and insecure that I wind up chasing a girl away from Christ. But I'm not going to sit back and let a woman with any kind of sights on my husband (whether they be for a fling or a relationship or whatever else) have any form of free reign around him. I know that Ava needs good people in her life, and I am willing to be her friend. I would be glad to sit and talk with her, to lift her up and help her get to the right place in her life. But I won't be stupid enough to give her access to my husband. And I am so blessed to have a godly man who refuses to skirt around the issue and will protect my heart and our marriage at any cost.
The boys are almost 1. And I can't believe it. They have grown so much. While that was to be expected, it's kind of startling. I think back to the first time I held them; they were so small and fragile. But even that first day, there was a glimmer of the personalities that shine today. Yes, the boys are so similar. But there is such a huge difference to them too. Darius, my little shy boy. He's the one who's more skittish around new people, who's startled by loud noises and tends to cling to those he's comfortable with in new situations. He's my snuggle bug - the little man who loves to rest his head on you and give kisses. While he was the one who began with gross and fine motor skills first, he is now slower in learning how to walk. But I think it's only because when he starts to lose his balance he gets nervous and just sits down. And when he bear crawls (on hands and feet with his butt up in the air) he's much faster at getting around. He's quiet, but very observant. Those big blue eyes just take everything in. And then there's Micah, the social boy. He hates to be separated from us (and lets us know it every time he has to go to bed), and is working harder at talking so he can interact with us more. His first word was "cat" (at ten months old!), but he also says "Daddy", "tree", and "ouch." For about two days, ouch was my name (since he learned it after I said it whenever he pulled my hair) but now it's just another word. Darius babbles "dada" and "ouch" at everything, so we don't count them as words yet. Micah is more proficient at walking, but that's only because whenever he falls he gets right back up to go again. The thrilled smile that lights up his face as he toddles around with his arms pulled in like a T-Rex is just adorable. He gets so excited when he's walking. He's still a little smaller, but I'm sure that won't always be the case; this boy eats like a garbage compactor. I don't know how he gets it all in.
As they get older, I am adding more things to our lives. Not only do we participate in the Mom's Group at our church, but I have joined the Worship Team, and have recently signed up for a women's bible study at the church as well. Ben was Joseph in the Christmas play (and he wowed everyone with his gorgeous singing voice!) and is currently working on editing the footage we took of the 3 nights of the play. In the new year, I am working on becoming the woman I wish to be. I want to strengthen my relationship with God, work to keep a clean house, and stop being so selfish all the time. I don't always do a great job of it (as of right now, I'm ignoring the dishes on the counter...), but I so want to be a good mom and wife. I want my boys to look back on their childhood with good memories. In all honesty, I want to be the type of woman I want them to find when they are older. I remind myself of that sometimes. I think of the wives I want them to have, and try to behave in that way. It's not always easy. I've come up with a few rules to help "keep me in line" and so far they've helped. Before we go eat breakfast or lunch, we have to clean up the toys in the living room (ok, so Mommy picks them up. Eventually it will be them. At least that's what I tell myself.) While they eat breakfast, I start the dishes from the previous day. When they go for a nap right after breakfast, I finish the dishes. The kitchen table needs to remain clear of the things that aren't supposed to be there, instead of being the typical catch-all. Our bedroom isn't quite where I want it yet, but I'm trying to get it cleaned up. And another rule is, instead of putting something down to "put away in the morning" I just put it in its place before going to bed. Because I know me, and I won't put it away in the morning. My house isn't spotless, but it's better than it was.
Ben and I recently rearranged the living room, and the bedroom and office. The boys love the new living room, since it gives them so much more room to play. And I'm really digging the bedroom. We brought the desk in from the office, and got rid of the chaise that was the catch-all for the bedroom, and moved the hutch. We also brought in a bookcase. Even though there's more furniture in there, it's actually opened up floor space. There's less in the "office" but it's more just a storage room now. I really like it. Ben and I are trying to get the bedroom completely organized a little each night after the boys go to bed, but evenings tend to be more relaxation time than organizing time. Hopefully we can do more this weekend. :/ It will get done eventually. Or I will lose my mind, haha.
I think about my life, and I realize how very blessed I am. We have a home. Yes, it has flaws, and there are things that irritate me about it (like how we still don't have a handle on the bathroom door), but we live here rent-free. We each have a car. Sure they break down/need maintenance sometimes. But they work for what we need. We're on the lookout for an SUV, or minivan. (Have you ever tried doing a large grocery shopping trip with two boys in carseats and a stroller in the trunk? Ugh.) We may not have a ton of money, but our bills are always paid. Our children are so well behaved (yeah, temper tantrums now and then, but on the whole they are so even keeled). And I am blessed with the perfect man for me. I'm not going to lie and say that we are infatuated every second of every day. We have our disagreements and hurt feelings sometimes. But I am amazed at just how well Ben gets me, and the lengths he goes to for me.
I may have to edit this later, in case he wants me to take this next part down, but it's kind of swimming in my head, and I just want to get it out.
I am a very insecure person. While I no longer fear that Ben is going to walk out on me, or even believe that he would ever cheat on me, the thought that another woman would try to take him drops an iceberg in my stomach. There are times that I fear he will meet someone prettier than me, or more sane than me, or funnier/kinder/overall better than me. Most of the time I'm able to squash my fears with knowledge of the truth. But sometimes life throws situations at us. And Ben's strength, love for me, and choice to be a godly man gets to shine. I'll try to make a long story short...
When I met Ben, he had a few female friends. I have no problem with him being friends with girls, as long as the relationship remains appropriate. There was one girl that never failed to bring out my insecurities, though. Let's call her Ava. She was completely beautiful, and unbelievably sweet. Ava was the kind of girl who fit in with guys (at least the ones who weren't intimidated by her beauty), and had the tendency to flirt with every one she met. Ben met her at an old job, and the two of them were very close while they were working together. I eventually told Ben that I didn't care if they were friends, but the way that she flirted made me uncomfortable. He told me that he never saw her as more than a friend, and that she (like me) had a very low self esteem and needed people in her life that weren't out to use her, but agreed to not be alone with her. All was well.
Since they no longer worked together, they never really saw much of each other, but would text on occassion - just to stay in touch. After a while, he told me that she had gotten inappropriate in how she was talking to him, so he stopped responding to her. It wasn't until recently (after receiving a "Happy New Years" text from her, and having to ask who it was since he'd deleted her number) that he told me exactly what had happened. Apparently, late one night, Ava texted him to say that she was in a really bad place. She felt all alone, and wanted some comfort. So she asked if he would phone sex over texting with her. He told her that he could never do such a thing to his marriage and responded that he could no longer be friends with her. And until New Years, he hadn't heard from her again.
I wasn't angry that he didn't tell me the whole story immediately. In a way, I was kind of grateful. He and I both knew that if I had been awake/around when it happened, I would have called her from his phone and started yelling at her. And Ben knew that with her being in the place she was in, that would have been the worst thing for her. He was a good enough friend to not tell me the details (and send me over the edge) and a strong enough man to defend his marriage in a way that would ensure the threat was gone. There is still a part of me that is angry with Ava. She knew he was married, and how he felt about his marriage. What kind of woman knowingly goes after a married man? But there is another part of me that has to wonder just how bad of a place she must have been in if that was the best idea she had. After she texted "happy new year" to him (and he found out who it was) he asked how she was doing, and heard that things are still not well for her. He's given an open invitation to her to come to church with us, offering to even go pick her up if she needed a ride. And as we were talking about everything that happened between them, he once agreed to never be alone with her. But not just that, to never be with her without me. Because I know that his friends could inadvertantly leave them alone, and that is too big a risk in my opinion. I trust Ben. I don't trust Ava. So if she ever agrees to come to church with us, and needs a ride, we will both go to pick her up. I don't want to be so selfish and insecure that I wind up chasing a girl away from Christ. But I'm not going to sit back and let a woman with any kind of sights on my husband (whether they be for a fling or a relationship or whatever else) have any form of free reign around him. I know that Ava needs good people in her life, and I am willing to be her friend. I would be glad to sit and talk with her, to lift her up and help her get to the right place in her life. But I won't be stupid enough to give her access to my husband. And I am so blessed to have a godly man who refuses to skirt around the issue and will protect my heart and our marriage at any cost.
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