Another Dose

Well, what do you know. It's been four months since my last post. This certainly seems to be par for the course for me. :/

As I am writing this, I am currently 8 weeks and 5 days pregnant with our third child, whom we have lovingly nicknamed "Pooka." While we're hoping this is the little girl we're dreaming of, we know that this is our last "dose 'o baby" no matter what. After Pooka comes along, Ben and I are both getting procedures to prevent any more pregnancies. I just don't know if I could handle four kids (to be honest, I'm not even sure I can handle three!) and with us being a one income family, three is probably over our max. Ben had a moment the other day where he just couldn't believe we were going to be a family of five.

The boys "know" about the baby. We've told them and they even play a little game where I ask them, "Where's Mommy's baby?" and they point to my stomach. But being 17 months old, I don't really think they quite comprehend that they have a little brother or sister coming along. Micah tries to say Pooka, but it winds up sounding like "ucka" (which I think is adorable.) And he loves to say "baby."

Actually, the monkey's vocabulary has really grown. Every day he is picking up new words, or at the very least attempting to repeat words we say. Darry's vocabulary has grown too, but he's not quite as interested in words as Micah. But they both say quite a few animal noises: from lion to dog, sheep to rhinoceros, turtle to snake. (The turtle says "peek a boo") And all kinds of animals in between. We're currently working on alligator, and they've mostly gotten kitty down. They know most of the parts of their bodies and recently learned the train says "choo choo." They are growing so very fast.

I think one thing that really concerns me is that my due date is just about 3 weeks after the boys turn two. I'm so nervous about having a newborn and twins in the "terrible twos" which have already seemed to have started. Darius has such a little attitude and M already throws awful temper tantrums. They really are typically well behaved, but of course they're going to have their moments. Part of it is just wanting independence. Part of it is just not knowing certain things are wrong (like biting or hitting. Something I'm really trying to break them of before they truly start up with it.)

My pregnancy with Pooka is definitely different from my first. I'm more tired (though I now have twins to chase around instead of being able to rest all day) and my morning sickness is worse. I was nauseous all the time with the boys, but have thrown up far more in 8 weeks than I had in 38 with the boys. While I know this is my last pregnancy, and therefore want to enjoy every minute of it, there is a part of me that can't wait for the second trimester - for morning sickness to end, for quickening to begin, for more energy... I'm trying to be patient, though, and just enjoy the time I'm in. :)

Well, that's it for now. Pooka is currently the size of a raspberry but will graduate to green olive size on Saturday. :)

A Thought Process

Over the past two days I have had a few long conversations with different people. People I admire, people in my family, people who agree with me, and people who disagree, but all of whom I consider to be friends. It was throughout the course of these conversations that I came to realize why my previous post was so horrifically misunderstood. The points that were raised during the ensuing debate on my Facebook wall had nothing whatsoever to do with what I had been trying to say, and for the life of me I couldn't understand where they were coming from. Most of the following came to fruition during a conversation with Ben last night, but a few things were cultivated from talking with other people.

We live in what is known as a free country. It is one of the greatest things about living in America. People are free to do just about anything they wish (we do have laws, after all) and we have been given certain rights because of these freedoms. As long as you're not breaking the law (ie drugs, murder, underage drinking, etc) you can live your life however you please. You have the right to sit at home and drink yourself into oblivion (as long as you're over 21...) whenever you choose. You have the right to try on three, five, eighteen different sexual relationships before you choose to settle down and marry, or simply live with that person for the rest of your life. You have the right to decide you do not want the child growing within your body and to terminate your pregnancy. You have the right to lie to your boss about why the report is late, to cut your parents out of your life, to start a relationship with that amazing new woman you just met while your wife waits for you at home, to raise your child in the dressing room of the strip club where you work, to ignore your children while you're sitting in front of the television, to hate your neighbor for that stupid tree of his hanging into your yard.  You have the right to live your life however you see fit, including (in certain areas) marrying a member of the same sex, or simply living together in a homosexual relationship. None of the things I have mentioned are against the law. We live in America, and that's ok here. But, because we live in America, I also have the right to not support the way in which you choose to live your life. I have the right to voice the way I see things.

I'm not political. In fact, politics so bores me, I'm surprised I make it to the polls when it comes time to vote for the president. And that is the only voting I have ever done in my life. Politics, like the news, like history, like science makes my brain fuzz over. Much of it I don't understand. So I'm not going to start lobbying for changes to the law to prevent for the things written above. It's just not my personality. Plus, America is known for "freedom of religion". While I would love nothing more than to have the laws reflect God's law, and to live in a Christian country, I do not think it's right for a country founded on freedom of religion to have laws in effect that support or squash any one religion (ie a law that states it is illegal to practice Judaism). But, I will not support laws that go against what I believe. I will never support a law that allows abortion. And I will not support a law that grants marriages to same sex couples. You've heard the phrase "call a spade a spade?" Well I am living my life by "call a sin a sin." I will not support sinful lifestyles.

In my previous blogs, and in the very long thread that followed on my Facebook, I want to make very clear what I was truly saying. Things I NEVER said:

• Homosexuals should be rounded up and wiped off the face of the earth.
• They should be isolated so no one has to suffer through their existence.
• They should have their rights stripped of them.
• I am better than everyone who does not follow Christ.
• I deserve more than other people because I live my life the "right" way.
• Gay couples are only having children to raise a generation of voters that will support them.

Things I DID say:

• The "Christians" who savagely beat gay people, who blow up abortion clinics, who picket funerals, are far worse than the "sinners" they are raging against.
• I am a sinner.
• I love homosexual people.
• I hate the sin they commit.

Christ called us to love everyone. He also called us to hate sin. By choosing not to support sinful lifestyles, I am proclaiming that I hate sin. I am not saying that I hate the people who have committed the sins. If that was how I was going to live my life, I would have to hate every single person on the face of the planet, including myself. There is no one on Earth, alive or dead, who has never sinned. No one except for Jesus. I sin every day. It's impossible not to! I am jealous, lazy, self serving. I hold onto grudges. I am prideful and often angry. You could probably even call me gluttonous. These are things about myself that I hate, because I hate sin. I fight these things within myself on a daily basis. I bring them to Christ in prayer. I repent of the sins I commit, and I ask for the strength to not fall into temptation. And there are sins that God has not only forgiven me for, He has taken them so far away they are no longer temptations.

In high school, I was in a lesbian relationship. A few years into my Christian walk of faith, I had to fight against the desire to begin new relationships with 2 different girls who attended the same church I did. When I previously compared homosexuality to alcoholism, stating that some people can turn away from it and never have the desire to go back while others will struggle every day of their lives, it was because I was speaking from experience. Homosexuality holds no temptation for me any more. And I personally know a man who can say the exact same thing. God changes people. Everyone has a past. Everyone has a struggle. And everyone who turns to God can find healing for the things they have done. 

I hope this has helped to clear up the misunderstandings. But, in the end, I will continue to take a stand for Christ; to call a sin a sin. And I will continue to refuse to support laws embracing sinful lifestyles. I will love those God has called me to love (everyone) and hate the sins that they commit. Even if that means I garner hatred, lose friends, and am ripped apart for doing so.

My Unpopular Opinion - Gay Marriage

I suppose this post won't come as a surprise to anyone, considering my views on homosexuality, but I feel like in the spirit of total honesty, this needs to be written.

I do not support gay marriage. I believe that marriage consists of one man and one woman, end of story. Marriage is sacred; it is a holy thing. In my opinion, our country is slowly but surely destroying the purity of marriage. I'm not only talking about homosexuals here. I'm talking about adultery, divorce, civil unions, common law marriages ... people "try on" marriage the way the try on shoes. This one doesn't work for you? Go find another. Marriage is not meant to be a temporary thing. It's for life. Just because you decide that you've "fallen out of love" with your spouse doesn't mean you've got a "get out of jail free" card. Marriage is hard work. It's meant to be hard work. It is something that you are supposed to work on and fight for every single day of the rest of your life. But I'm getting off topic (I'll probably post a marriage blog later).

I see gay marriage as a - for lack of a better term - defilement of the institution of marriage. Because I see marriage as a holy thing - something ordained by God - I see gay marriage as a twisted version of His plan. And because I believe that one cannot control who they fall for, but CAN control what they do about it, I don't believe that gay relationships/gay marriage is a valid option. Yes, I'm conservative. And yes, I do not think that people should be in same sex relationships. Because of this, I do not support gay marriage/"gay rights" (I do, however, support HUMAN rights - gay men and women should not be treated as less than human). I'm not saying that homosexuals should spend their lives pretending; prancing about in heterosexual relationships to please the world. As cruel as this may sound, I feel that homosexuals should abstain from romantic relationships altogether. Being in a loveless marriage (because you are attracted to the same sex instead of the opposite sex, ie your spouse) is just as much of an abomination as being in a gay marriage.

Also, I do not believe that gay couples should be allowed to adopt/go through in-vitro. Children are a precious gift and desperately need to be protected from the evils of the world. While many children who have been raised by same sex couples turn out to be wonderful additions to the community, they have, of course, been raised to support same sex unions. They are entering the voting world with the desire to change the laws to support the lifestyle the were raised in. They do not see that it is wrong. (Yes, I know this is "only my opinion" and of course the people raising these children want exactly what I have written above. But, because this is my opinion, that is precisely what I do not want for our or any country). Not only that, children need a father and mother figure. They need to be raised seeing the differences in gender. Boys need a father and mother. They need to be able to interact appropriately with each gender in order to model the way they will interact with men and women in the future. And the same with girls. I'm not a scientist or sociologist. But I have read studies about the long lasting effect of a child raised without one parent. Maybe the personal views of the researcher skewed the study (as I am sure there are studies that will show the benefit of same sex couples raising children), but I believe what I have read.

I know my beliefs are not for everyone, and will probably highly offend those in support of gay marriage/families. But I'm not pulling any punches here. This is what I believe to be true. Plain and simple.

My Unpopular Opinion: Abortion

Considering how well my last blog went over (and the length of the ensuing debate on Facebook), I decided to go ahead to make blog #2 in my series another hot button issue. :P I'm sure there will eventually be topics I cover that people will read and just think "Duh." But for now, I'm going with one that very well may upset some people.

For most of you that know me, my stance on this topic will be no surprise - I view a life as a life, a child as a child, from the moment of conception. I don't understand how some people can say that "it's not a baby" until 3 months, 6 months, birth. What exactly is "it" if not a baby? It's not like women are carrying fish in their uteruses (uterii?). I've heard the "mass of cells" argument, but let's be honest here - that's all we are too. Every living, breathing being on this earth is a mass of cells. I've also heard the stance that since the fetus can't survive on its own, then it can't be called a baby. But neither can an infant. Or a toddler. Babies and children rely on their parents/guardians because they can't take care of themselves. Every argument I've heard that is pro-choice ultimately makes no sense to me. So, in the end, I view abortion as murder. Plain and simple.

Let's talk about a child as a product of rape. Many people have stated that the only way they would be ok with abortion is if the pregnancy resulted from the mother's rape. She didn't ask for this; she didn't even do anything to cause it. It was thrust upon her, and it's unfair to force her to live with the child of her attacker within her. But do you know what I find unfair? That you would say it's ok to murder this innocent baby because of the crime of his or her father. This child didn't ask to be a product of rape. He didn't do anything to harm his mother. Why should she have to die because her father committed a heinous crime? Let's look at it this way - a man is struggling to feed and care for his 2 year old. He makes enough to provide for himself, but the added mouth to feed is taking it's toll, and there is always more month left at the end of the money. In a panic, he decides to rob a store. All he wants is to provide for his child. But during the robbery, something goes wrong and 3 people wind up dead. So the world says "kill the kid. After all, if there hadn't been this child, he never would have committed the crime." ... It's the father's crime. It's the father's choices. We have no right to murder a child for something her father has done.

What about medical reasons? The baby will be born with a disease or mental disability. The baby will die. The mother will die. All I can say is, doctors are not infallible. I can't tell you how many times I have heard that there will be something horrifically wrong, only for everyone to be completely healthy. When my aunt was pregnant with her first child, she had all the testing done and was told her child would be born with Down's Syndrome. She spent the rest of her pregnancy stressed and worrying. He was perfectly healthy when he was born. And I have a friend who's doctors never noticed anything wrong throughout her pregnancy, and her son was born with a heart defect. Love is not weighted by perfection. Even if the doctor is right, and your child has a mental disability or is born needing surgeries, do you really think you will be incapable of loving them? Doctors have been wrong so many times in these situations. A mother could be told she would die from giving birth, but that doesn't mean it will happen. I just can't see this as an excuse. A doctor could tell you that the baby will have no quality of life because of a defect he would be born with. But who can really say what qualifies as quality of life? Who can say that the life they live isn't "good enough"? Talk to anyone who has a child with Down's.  Ask them if their child really has any quality of life, and suggest that they should have had an abortion. Then run for cover.

I've even heard people saying that abortion is ok if the parents can't care for the child (they are jobless, already have too many children, etc). This is the one that makes the least amount of sense to me. There are millions of people just waiting to adopt a child. People who would give him a good home, love her endlessly, build him up to be a fruitfully contributing member of society. Adoption is such a good resource for those who do not wish to raise their child, or can't.

So there you have it: my unpopular opinion. I can not think of a single reason why I would ever say that abortion is ok. Recently my church asked people to watch a documentary. It's short (about half an hour) but so very compelling. A word of warning - it's not for younger viewers. There are images that can only be deemed graphic, and not something a child should see. But if you want to really figure out where you stand on abortion, you should watch this. Or watch it anyway. You may find your opinions changing. Ben's did. I'm not going to lie to you, there are parts that are hard to see. But I really feel that everyone should watch this. It is compelling and thought provoking.

http://180movie.com/

My Unpopular Opinion - Homosexuality

I believe that every word of the Bible is true. And so, I believe that homosexuality is a sin. However, let me also say this - I do not believe that homosexuals should be treated as lesser beings. Nor do I believe that it is a choice. Let's be honest - who would ever choose to be gay? What person would look at the hatred homosexuals endure and say "Yeah. I wanna do that." One thing that I can not stand is how some Christians use their "faith" as an excuse to bash the very people God loves. And let me say this as well - I believe that if Jesus were to be here in flesh and blood today, He would be hanging out with the gay kids. The same way that He broke bread with tax collectors and sinners, He would be spending his time with the gay and lesbian teens.

I have friends who are gay. Do they know my opinion about it? I think so. I know at least one of them sat down with me to talk about it. And we maintained the friendship. I love these men because they are funny and sweet and wonderful friends. I do not love what they do. "Love the sinner, hate the sin."

So while I don't believe that the homosexual lifestyle is a choice, I do believe that there are things that happen to these men when they are young boys that bring them to that lifestyle. From books I have read, the way I see it is this - as a young boy (meaning 1-3 years old) they do not have the proper relationship with their father. He could be a deadbeat, have died, too harsh (in manner of speaking/discipline/etc), or many other things, but it all boils down to this - as a boy, he did not get the loving and respectful relationship he needed from his father. As he grows, he looks for that love and respect from other men. I know I may not be explaining this well, or even completely, but this is what I understand of what I've read in very basic form. No, I'm not necessarily blaming the father, but I am saying that there is a cause and effect. The other cause that I have read about is in the form of sexual abuse. Usually at the hand of a woman (for men) or at the hand of a man (for women).

I also believe that homosexuals can be Christians. I can think of a few people who would feel that was a scandalous statement. But let me explain. While no one can control who they are attracted to (homosexuality is not a choice), they can control what they do about it. A Christian teen can't prevent a crush from forming on a non-Christian teen, but they can refrain from beginning a relationship. A homosexual male may not be able to prevent a crush from forming on another male, but he can certainly stop himself from starting a relationship. See what I mean?

I can speak to this from experience. I was bisexual in high school. And I truly believe that God can save us from any and all sin. I am no longer bisexual. However, shortly after becoming a Christian, I began to develop a crush on a girl in my church. But I never did anything about it. Because I knew that going down that road was sinful, and so I avoided it. In the same way that some alcoholics have the healing hand of God remove their desire for alcohol, some homosexuals can - through Christ - no longer have the desire for a same sex relationship. It happened to someone I know (though I won't use names, because it is his testimony and not mine.) In his youth, he was gay. But he became a Christian and God changed him. He has now been happily married for over 20 years.

God can do all things. But I'm not going to sit here and say that every single gay man or woman would turn away from same sex desires if they were to become a Christian. It's not that God can't do it, it's that sometimes He has a different plan for us. There are people who come out of drug addiction (through Christ) and never turn back. There are others who struggle every day of their lives and have to choose, every single day, to rely on God. This is how I feel about homosexuality.

So, in a nutshell, it is a sin. It's not a choice. There is a cause. It isn't something that has to keep him or her from God. This is just my opinion on the matter. This is what I think about homosexuality. But no matter what we think about it, treating gay people like dirt is not showing the love of Christ. It's only sending them running in the other direction.

My Unpopular Opinion

On January 1st of this year, I posted this as my Facebook status - "A new year - 2012. Yes, I intend to lose weight, to keep my home clean, to play with and teach my boys more. But my true resolutions are to rid myself of unkind words and to become completely and truly unapologetic about my faith. No more hiding my beliefs within watered down truths. I may lose friends this year, but I will grow closer to my Saviour."

I'll be brutally honest. Most of these have been more than a little difficult to keep up with. I'm pretty sure I've gained weight. I currently have a nice sized pile of dishes on my kitchen counter. And I'm pretty sure every single inch of floorspace is in desperate need of some form of cleaning (vacuum, mop, etc). Unkind words tumble from my lips more often than I'd like to admit. But in effort to tackle what I believe was the biggest of my resolutions, I have decided to start a blog series.

Now, I never blatantly lied about my beliefs. I have never hidden the fact that I am a Christian. However, I have (almost always) had a really bad habit of speaking half of the truth, and keeping the more religious half under wraps. For example: while at a New Year's party, I mentioned to a friend that I do not ever want to get drunk again. When he incredulously asked, "Why?" my answer was that as a parent, I have to think about how my actions will effect my children. What would happen if I get wasted and then receive a call from the babysitter that one of my boys has had a major accident and is being taken to the hospital? What would happen if I show up in the ER drunk out of my mind? He kind of rolled his eyes, but accepted it. Now. Was what I said a lie? Not at all! Being a parent has changed me in many ways. But the whole truth is that drunkeness is a sin. And I don't want to knowingly do something that God has commanded I not do.

So here is where I am. I need to walk away from the fear of true honesty with my friends - even if it means that I may lose some of them. And I wouldn't really be surprised if I did lose some of them. In a world of politcal correctness, the Christian opinion tends to garner hatred. But I'm not even talking about just the non-Christians. Because a lot of my opinions differ from that of many Christian people too. I am not liberal, by any means. But I think that within the scope of those following the Man, I would probably be more on the liberal side of the Cross.

I'm sure you're wondering what my little series is going to cover. I know a few, but I don't have every single blog planned out. Some of the topics I will be hitting are: homosexuality, cohabitation, abortion, gay marriage, children born out of wedlock, and something that hits a little closer to home - the relationships between the saved and the unsaved. I know that more ideas will pop up. And if anyone has a suggestion for a topic, I'm making a promise now ... Whatever the topic is, if you request my opinion on it, I will write a blog response. I can't hide my feelings about things anymore. Because I'm not ashamed of Jesus. But the way I've been acting makes it seem like I am. And I just can't do that any more.

Of Pride and Selfishness

In my effort to be brutally honest in my blog, along with wanting to be openly self aware, I feel this post needs to be written. There is so much about me that I am desperately wanting to change.  Unfortunately, most of these changes are ones I've been wanting to make for a long time. Still, there are things that my eyes have been opened to within myself. The knowledge of what is hidden in the darkest corners of my heart saddens me, but they drive me further to break out of the stagnant waters.

For a while now, I have been working toward becoming a better person - in varying ways. I try to keep my house cleaner, to play with my children more, to work on my relationship with Christ. But most of the time my intentions slip from my thoughts, and I find myself spending my days as I usually do. Mainly, sitting in front of the computer (which I know is what I am doing now...). My computer is, at times, an addiction. I crave the instant gratification of high speed internet. I want constant entertainment, and strive to avoid boredom or even real work. In the spirit of honesty - I am lazy. I seek only pleasure for myself. This is the biggest thing I need to change about myself. Most days, I forget to even pray. How can I honestly say I want to strengthen my relationship with Christ when on most days I don't even think to speak to Him?

I have started attending a women's bible study by Beth Moore on the book of James. The first meeting was today, and I feel like there were things that were brought to my attention. My heart is in serious need of a cleaning out. My life is not meant for myself. It's not about me. God has placed me on this earth for a purpose, and right now I'm wasting my days seeking only what I want. My children, instead of getting to interact and learn from me, spend most of their time playing by themselves/with each other. I don't mean to say that I completely ignore them, but there is so much more that I could be doing with them. I want them to have good memories from the start. Which is why I have begun leaving my computer in the bedroom during the day. At least for the majority. Perhaps it's just the mood I've gotten myself in at the moment that has me picking out solely the bad about myself. I do get this way sometimes, but I don't want to make it seem like I do nothing, nor play up what I do happen to get done. I'm simply trying to state the way I am living as I see it. I do the dishes daily, try to keep the kitchen table cleared, make attempts at laundry, and cook dinner. I'm not saying I should be vacuuming and washing the floors every day, or even that I need to be cleaning more. I simply need to break out of the monotony of trying to keep myself entertained. It's bad for me, bad for my spirit, and bad for my family.

I mentioned that I joined a bible study. I'm also trying to get the family to attend the mini church more. I'm also on the worship team (so I can give my talents back to God) and am doing what I can to help out in the Mom's Group. And speaking of the Mom's Group ... a few weeks ago I was crying with Ben about my need for friends. I feel like I am missing that essential part of life - friendships. A lot of what I am doing at the church is in the effort to build these relationships, because my soul yearns for them. I can not count the prayers I have whispered to God about my desire for sisters in Christ, usually thinking of a few specific women as I do so. And this past Tuesday I realized that there was one particular woman that I seem to be growing closer to. But my first thought was, "Wait, I didn't want to form a friendship with her. I wanted to become closer to T or L or even I. But when I was asking for friends, I wasn't thinking about J." And today, the memory of that popped into my head. And it was like I could hear a voice of rebuke, "I love her. You wanted a sister spirit, and I am giving you this beautiful soul who is like you in so many ways. You, who feels belittled by others. How can you turn around and think so about someone I love?" It was heartbreaking. Because much of the time, I do feel unimportant. I see myself as less than others, and believe that they see me the same way. And it wasn't that I don't want to be friends with this woman. She was not who I had thought of when wishing for friends, and so I didn't want to break out of what I had pictured. My pride needed a severe kick in the teeth, and it still does.

Because I don't want to work. I don't want to put in the effort to read my Bible, to pray, to get onto the floor and wear myself out playing chase with my kids. I want the easy road. These are the things that I try to keep buried within me, because it is so painful to admit that they are firmly planted into my heart. The knowledge that I am baring my soul is uncomfortable, but I truly feel led to do it. But the thought that I can't remember the last time I prayed, or even where my Bible is, nevermind the last time I read from it, is even more painful. How can I call myself a Christian, one of the redeemed, when I can't even be bothered to speak to my Saviour? Who am I to look about the room filled with like minded women seeking to learn from the book of James and be disappointed that I am the youngest, and therefore "can't" form bonds? How dare I put my insecurities on someone else and believe that a woman in my mini church has it out for me? What right do I have to lament over the people in my mini church not involving me in their lives, or asking me to pray over what they are going through when A) I haven't prayed in such a long time or B) I refuse to take a step out of my comfort zone and put in the effort to try to properly get to know them.

How can I possibly aspire to become like the wonderful women that I have met through the mom's group or the Bible study, admiring them for their faith and wholehearted joy in the Lord, when I don't do anything about it??? I am a prideful, selfish, lazy woman who dreams of being better yet completely lacks followthrough. These are the things I need to change. And maybe by baring my soul to the world, I will find myself held accountable for what I say. I will find the subtle reminders in everyday life that I'm better than this. I'm better than making my life all about me. I'm better than my pride. I know this, and I can say this, because God has made me a new person. So who am I to try and hold on to the past?

The Hostess With The Mostest

I don't know if you can tell, but I've changed the way I title my blogs. I used to use quotes from Glee or songs, usually aiming for things that had nothing to do with what I was writing about; just what I found funny or what I was listening to at the moment I started writing. Now I'm using whatever pops into my head about what I'm about to write. Not sure if I'll keep it this way. 2011 has some really strange and silly titles, and I may start missing that after a while ... hmm.

Anyways. After throwing Ben's surprise 30th birthday party in November (the planning stages of which had begun in June...) I swore to him that I'm never throwing him a surprise party again. Or maybe it was I would never throw another party. But either way, it was the stress of trying to make things go off without a hitch that navigated me into the anti-party lands. And yet, here we are in January and I am in the midst of trying to throw together a 1st birthday party for the twins. The stress level is hovering around 85, threatening to rise with each passing day. Could this be because I waited until after Christmas to even think about their party? One month plan time is horrific when compared to 4 1/2 months. Even if I don't have to worry about "ruining" it by talking about it in front of them. Luckily, things seem to be coming together pretty quickly. We're re-using the Winnie the Pooh theme from the baby shower and room decor.

We're using the Kids of the Kingdom big room at the church, since the hall we'd rented for Ben's party was already booked for that day. Most of the decorations have already been purchased by my mum. She's also getting the cakes. We've decided on pizza and chips (simple fare) for the meal, and I'm hoping for a relaxed atmosphere. Quiet, simple, relaxed ... with a ton of kids running around. I've never hosted a kid's party before, but I'm sure it's going to be crazy. Wooo.

The one thing I'm trying to figure out (since the rest is decided if not already taken care of) is favors. I don't want to do something that winds up breaking the budget, especially since Ben and I are focusing on tightening belts and cutting spending this year. My friend Missy suggested candies, and I think that's the way I'm going to go. For her husband's party, she'd put out a basket of mini reeses, since those are his favorite. I may do mini packs of M & Ms and glue on these little cardboard confetti things Mum purchased.

I'm still not sure. But worst case, at least I've got an idea that will work. The main stressor right now is people. The room holds 60 max (or at least that's what I was told). I know that not everyone you invite comes to the party. So I sent out the invites with the hope that some people would say no. Because in total, with adults and kids, we've got 93 people invited. 25 have said yes. 4 have said no. I don't think I'm going to stop stressing about it until 29 more people say no. And if enough say they can't come (with enough time before hand) I have a couple more people I'd like to invite. Eventually it just became "I have to draw the line somewhere." And now I just have to take a few breaths and know that in the end everything will be ok.

This may wind up being the "last party I throw for the boys" too .... (as if a Mama could refuse her kids a birthday party)

New Year - Time To Restart!

I know. I haven't written a blog in such a long time. Every time I thought of it, I'd wind up getting involved in something else (or just be plain lazy about it) and my idea for a blog slowly slipped from my mind. There is so much that has happened since my last post in August. Rather than try to cover everything, I'll treat this as a new blog, and just chronicle my thoughts right now.

The boys are almost 1. And I can't believe it. They have grown so much. While that was to be expected, it's kind of startling. I think back to the first time I held them; they were so small and fragile. But even that first day, there was a glimmer of the personalities that shine today. Yes, the boys are so similar. But there is such a huge difference to them too. Darius, my little shy boy. He's the one who's more skittish around new people, who's startled by loud noises and tends to cling to those he's comfortable with in new situations. He's my snuggle bug - the little man who loves to rest his head on you and give kisses. While he was the one who began with gross and fine motor skills first, he is now slower in learning how to walk. But I think it's only because when he starts to lose his balance he gets nervous and just sits down. And when he bear crawls (on hands and feet with his butt up in the air) he's much faster at getting around. He's quiet, but very observant. Those big blue eyes just take everything in. And then there's Micah, the social boy. He hates to be separated from us (and lets us know it every time he has to go to bed), and is working harder at talking so he can interact with us more. His first word was "cat" (at ten months old!), but he also says "Daddy", "tree", and "ouch." For about two days, ouch was my name (since he learned it after I said it whenever he pulled my hair) but now it's just another word. Darius babbles "dada" and "ouch" at everything, so we don't count them as words yet. Micah is more proficient at walking, but that's only because whenever he falls he gets right back up to go again. The thrilled smile that lights up his face as he toddles around with his arms pulled in like a T-Rex is just adorable. He gets so excited when he's walking. He's still a little smaller, but I'm sure that won't always be the case; this boy eats like a garbage compactor. I don't know how he gets it all in.

As they get older, I am adding more things to our lives. Not only do we participate in the Mom's Group at our church, but I have joined the Worship Team, and have recently signed up for a women's bible study at the church as well. Ben was Joseph in the Christmas play (and he wowed everyone with his gorgeous singing voice!) and is currently working on editing the footage we took of the 3 nights of the play. In the new year, I am working on becoming the woman I wish to be. I want to strengthen my relationship with God, work to keep a clean house, and stop being so selfish all the time. I don't always do a great job of it (as of right now, I'm ignoring the dishes on the counter...), but I so want to be a good mom and wife. I want my boys to look back on their childhood with good memories. In all honesty, I want to be the type of woman I want them to find when they are older. I remind myself of that sometimes. I think of the wives I want them to have, and try to behave in that way. It's not always easy. I've come up with a few rules to help "keep me in line" and so far they've helped. Before we go eat breakfast or lunch, we have to clean up the toys in the living room (ok, so Mommy picks them up. Eventually it will be them. At least that's what I tell myself.) While they eat breakfast, I start the dishes from the previous day. When they go for a nap right after breakfast, I finish the dishes. The kitchen table needs to remain clear of the things that aren't supposed to be there, instead of being the typical catch-all. Our bedroom isn't quite where I want it yet, but I'm trying to get it cleaned up. And another rule is, instead of putting something down to "put away in the morning" I just put it in its place before going to bed. Because I know me, and I won't put it away in the morning. My house isn't spotless, but it's better than it was.

Ben and I recently rearranged the living room, and the bedroom and office. The boys love the new living room, since it gives them so much more room to play. And I'm really digging the bedroom. We brought the desk in from the office, and got rid of the chaise that was the catch-all for the bedroom, and moved the hutch. We also brought in a bookcase. Even though there's more furniture in there, it's actually opened up floor space. There's less in the "office" but it's more just a storage room now. I really like it. Ben and I are trying to get the bedroom completely organized a little each night after the boys go to bed, but evenings tend to be more relaxation time than organizing time. Hopefully we can do more this weekend. :/  It will get done eventually. Or I will lose my mind, haha.

I think about my life, and I realize how very blessed I am. We have a home. Yes, it has flaws, and there are things that irritate me about it (like how we still don't have a handle on the bathroom door), but we live here rent-free. We each have a car. Sure they break down/need maintenance sometimes. But they work for what we need. We're on the lookout for an SUV, or minivan. (Have you ever tried doing a large grocery shopping trip with two boys in carseats and a stroller in the trunk? Ugh.) We may not have a ton of money, but our bills are always paid. Our children are so well behaved (yeah, temper tantrums now and then, but on the whole they are so even keeled). And I am blessed with the perfect man for me. I'm not going to lie and say that we are infatuated every second of every day. We have our disagreements and hurt feelings sometimes. But I am amazed at just how well Ben gets me, and the lengths he goes to for me.

I may have to edit this later, in case he wants me to take this next part down, but it's kind of swimming in my head, and I just want to get it out.

I am a very insecure person. While I no longer fear that Ben is going to walk out on me, or even believe that he would ever cheat on me, the thought that another woman would try to take him drops an iceberg in my stomach. There are times that I fear he will meet someone prettier than me, or more sane than me, or funnier/kinder/overall better than me. Most of the time I'm able to squash my fears with knowledge of the truth. But sometimes life throws situations at us. And Ben's strength, love for me, and choice to be a godly man gets to shine. I'll try to make a long story short...

When I met Ben, he had a few female friends. I have no problem with him being friends with girls, as long as the relationship remains appropriate. There was one girl that never failed to bring out my insecurities, though. Let's call her Ava. She was completely beautiful, and unbelievably sweet. Ava was the kind of girl who fit in with guys (at least the ones who weren't intimidated by her beauty), and had the tendency to flirt with every one she met. Ben met her at an old job, and the two of them were very close while they were working together. I eventually told Ben that I didn't care if they were friends, but the way that she flirted made me uncomfortable. He told me that he never saw her as more than a friend, and that she (like me) had a very low self esteem and needed people in her life that weren't out to use her, but agreed to not be alone with her. All was well.

Since they no longer worked together, they never really saw much of each other, but would text on occassion - just to stay in touch. After a while, he told me that she had gotten inappropriate in how she was talking to him, so he stopped responding to her. It wasn't until recently (after receiving a "Happy New Years" text from her, and having to ask who it was since he'd deleted her number) that he told me exactly what had happened. Apparently, late one night, Ava texted him to say that she was in a really bad place. She felt all alone, and wanted some comfort. So she asked if he would phone sex over texting with her. He told her that he could never do such a thing to his marriage and responded that he could no longer be friends with her. And until New Years, he hadn't heard from her again.

I wasn't angry that he didn't tell me the whole story immediately. In a way, I was kind of grateful. He and I both knew that if I had been awake/around when it happened, I would have called her from his phone and started yelling at her. And Ben knew that with her being in the place she was in, that would have been the worst thing for her. He was a good enough friend to not tell me the details (and send me over the edge) and a strong enough man to defend his marriage in a way that would ensure the threat was gone. There is still a part of me that is angry with Ava. She knew he was married, and how he felt about his marriage. What kind of woman knowingly goes after a married man? But there is another part of me that has to wonder just how bad of a place she must have been in if that was the best idea she had. After she texted "happy new year" to him (and he found out who it was) he asked how she was doing, and heard that things are still not well for her. He's given an open invitation to her to come to church with us, offering to even go pick her up if she needed a ride. And as we were talking about everything that happened between them, he once agreed to never be alone with her. But not just that, to never be with her without me. Because I know that his friends could inadvertantly leave them alone, and that is too big a risk in my opinion. I trust Ben. I don't trust Ava. So if she ever agrees to come to church with us, and needs a ride, we will both go to pick her up. I don't want to be so selfish and insecure that I wind up chasing a girl away from Christ. But I'm not going to sit back and let a woman with any kind of sights on my husband (whether they be for a fling or a relationship or whatever else) have any form of free reign around him. I know that Ava needs good people in her life, and I am willing to be her friend. I would be glad to sit and talk with her, to lift her up and help her get to the right place in her life. But I won't be stupid enough to give her access to my husband. And I am so blessed to have a godly man who refuses to skirt around the issue and will protect my heart and our marriage at any cost.